I have so much to say. I feel so full of stuff… kind of like I am going to burst from too much stuff!
I don’t even know where to begin… it is morning… Sunday morning. Tyler asks are we going to church?
I have blogged many a time of my struggle with church. Yet here is my child wanting to go to church. We go. One child couldn’t find his pant… but not too much drama.
Then Sammy starts. I told him he is off his phone till he (like the rest of his brothers learns how to live in our house … keeping it tidy etc). He is mad.
We go to church, everyone gets out and goes in, except Sammy. (Sanj and Zach are else where).
I sit through the service … waiting for Sammy to show up. It never happened. I am so tired of his constant woe is me. He makes his life so hard!!!
I told him that his little stunt keeps him from any extracurriculars till the end of the month. It wasn’t intentional but then I realized this includes Halloween. (How come I care so much???)
Back to church… men have been an issue in my life. From the beginning… they have let me down… it started with my dad. When it begins with your dad… you begin at a young age to look for replacements… for me, it was Pastors.
This isn’t a slam on pastors, as they are human. It is a reminder that no one should be God or put themselves in the position of being all to someone. My journey lead to be very hurt by men in my life. I often wondered why I needed that male figure in my life so badly.
Church is like taking a lemon and rubbing it on my wound. I wish so badly it wasn’t … I wish for those days where I woke up and knew it was Sabbath and couldn’t wait to go to church.
Nowadays, I know people wonder… people even ask… yet I really don’t think that whether a person goes to church or not is a reflection of their relationship with God. Actually I know it is not.
I was one of those judgers… you know, judging other families as I watched them not following the stereotype of what a Christian family is… Shame on them!!! And I would feel so good that I was in church… Being a good christian… or so I thought.
It is all a journey. It is one that I am on… Only God knows my heart and hurts. Only God knows how I forgive yet can’t forget. Only God knows how much I want to be good and pure and yet am haunted by my sins.
So through this journey of being a Child of God, I keep stumbling and He keeps picking me up.
He keeps encouraging me, like He did today! He keeps reminding me that I am NOT alone. I CAN only do all things With Christ by my side.