Still Running…

It’s almost 9:30 p.m. I still have so much stuff I should do before even thinking of bed.

I worked today. Then the boys (Zachary, Maxwell and Tyler) were asked to be part of a photo shoot for Cymbalta. You know the depression medicine? No, I didn’t miss the irony of it! lol
It was a neat experience and they got a pretty pay check for it. So that was very exciting for them.
Then it was off to pick up the boys, stop off at the office and pick up flyers for the office Open House (that need to be stuffed in their envelope, stamped and labeled). I did a quick stop at the grocery store while the boys were enjoying their Frosty.
How come whenever I drive the truck (Sanj’s baby and true love) something happens?
I try to start it up and nope it doesn’t start. This is a newer vehicle. Give me a break!!! It is raining. The boys and I walk over to Sanj’s office (across the road from where we were). Why me with all the kids?
I get it jumped and there is obviously issues with it… a bunch of the electrical stuff was messed up. Phew… at least it wasn’t me! Yet things NEVER go wrong when Sanj is driving.
I am so jinxed.
I am feeling down. Life is coming at me too fast. And it seems to be kicking my butt a bit.
It is a busy week. My brother and family are coming here for American Thanksgiving.
They are also coming here for my other brother’s baby dedication.
My other brother. We had a falling out. I am not mad. I am not holding a grudge. I am just choosing boundaries for my life that keep me safe and sane.
My parents don’t understand this. I guess they think that I am still mad or having a temper tantrum. I am not. When things happen that make you feel unsafe or hurt you, it is your duty to protect yourself. Isn’t it?
Apparently my dad has been trying to call. He is calling to tell me “to come to the dedication and be a good sister.”
If it wasn’t all so sad, it would be laughable. First of all…. how does he think he can tell me what to do? After being absent for over a decade, I think that right is gone.
And then there is the Me? Be a good sister? It is all I have done my whole life. I have been a good sister… at my own expense too many a time. I have been a good daughter. Again, my whole life and whose expense?
I am the one that has weekly dreams of a father or brother or uncle that is coming after me to beat the crap out of me. I am always running in my dreams. I am always trying so hard to protect my children. I am always scared.
Then I wake up. Then I wake Sanj up. He knows what it means. He holds me. I lay there still unsure if I am safe… I wait. I am trying to calm my pounding heart. Eventually sleep will win and if I am really lucky, I will dream of something else. But there are those times it is safer to stay awake. It is those nights when my dreams keep coming back.
Last night I had one of those dreams. Except it was my aunt. My uncle was going to get her. I was there. I was trying to figure out how to help.
My brother doesn’t have these dreams. Why me?
Funny how the choices of others, my mom, my aunt, my brother keep haunting me.
Is that fair? I didn’t ask to live a life of fear and running. Yet I am running. I am looking over my shoulder. I am constantly waiting for it! The thing that sucks now is that I can’t escape it. Because it finds me when I have no choice. It finds me in my sleep.
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