I have hands that are shaking violently. My heart is pounding and skipping I feel like I may have a heart attack.
My legs are weak… I had to sit down while on the phone just to support myself.
He called. I see the number. I groan. I pick up. I can’t avoid it. He is persistent.
I hear his voice. I feel emotions that are indescribable.
He starts talking…my stomach is churning.
He talks and talks. He is the same. He is wanting me to come to the dedication. He is saying that this may be his last time when we are all together. He wants to talk about what he wants when he dies.
He wants me to be the older sister and forgive. He doesn’t understand there isn’t a grudge. Just fear.
He wants to be buried in Maryland. He names my uncles and aunts that are buried there. He never made attempts to get along with them ever. He always stirred the pot so my mom was kept at a distance from her family and friends. Now he is worried about being buried alone?
He talks about the same policy he has. (Not sure if this is for real). Whose name should he put for the benefactor? Not me. No thanks.
Then he talks about family that is struggling. He talks about bad behaviour (yet I am amazed that he is calling the behaviour… such a hitting a 3 year old, bad… since he did it time and again since I was one!)
He asks me to come to the dedication. Pray about it… He says. He says he has people praying for me. Um… not sure he gets it.
Then I say (not sure where I got the strength, well yes I am)… “Dad, I am not coming. I do not feel safe. I do not want to expose my children to any of it. I don’t know what will happen. I am not willing to put myself or them at risk.” (Thank you, Jesus for strength).
(When the three siblings are together, something always happens. Every time. So maybe this time it will be different. My absence may be a gift).
He says… (I can’t believe he said this) “I won’t let anything happen. I will call 911 if I have to.”
OK… you must get the picture. He asks for money for another life insurance policy. Money he will leave for us. He asks for $30 so he can leave us $2000.
He talks about my mom. But then says, “I don’t want to talk about her.”
This weekend the boys and I are away. We are at a hockey tournament.
Far and away.
My hands are still shaking.
As I hung up, I feel overwhelmed with emotions of sadness. When will it stop? I feel bad also because I know I have disappointed him. Again.
This is from a daughter that has lived with abuse her life after talking to her father.