Here is a story:
I have “family” who I grew up with. My “aunt and uncle” are in there 70s now. Their marriage has been one much like my parents. There was violence. She is a battered woman. In there 70s, he still hits her. He beat her. He pulled her hair and wound it around his arm and dragged her. Then he choked her. This time she called the police. They came and put him in jail for 2 days. Then they let him go. Now he reminds her that she put him in jail. She is scared for her life. Yet the money seems to hold her hostage. The son, lives and breathes daddy’s money. She will likely die or rather be killed.,, unless she is saved.
I wonder what the police think will happen when they release him? Yes, we have come a long ways… now the police can step in at signs of abuse. Yet, we still have a long way to go. I know that if we are waiting for my “aunt” to leave or walk away, it isn’t going to happen. I know that she needs her son to take a stand against his daddy, Mr. Bank, and be a man. She won’t leave. She can’t leave. She is too weak. She is too broken. Yet she is crying out for help. She called the police. That is a huge move. That took a lot of courage. She went to the pastor. She told him she want to move into a nursing home. That is huge. Who wants to move into a nursing home? She is screaming for help. She can’t move without money.
I feel like screaming. Is there a special hell for men like him? Can I tell you that I hope so?
He is a bad man. He is loving. He is sweet. He is the devil. I cringe when I think of all the times we were together, a happy “family.”
My upbringing is pretty much American. Sure, I prefer Indian cuisine to any other out there. Sure, I can eat with my hands, with the best of them. I can even wear the beautiful outfits and pick up a word or two. That is the extent of my Indian-ness.
I have been reading a lot of stories about India. I have been trying to understand the craziness of the male species. I can’t understand the mentality that would kill or give up a child simply based on the sex of the babe. I can’t understand that feeling of entitlement that is given to males as to how they can treat the women. I can’t understand the mind set that allows women to simply accept it.
Of course this is a board statement. Not all men hit their wives. Not all women are subservient. Not all care about the gender of their babes. Yet, some do. Many do.
I feel like something must be done. I know there are things that are being done. Yet it is not enough. I feel so helpless. Helping one person at a time seems unreasonable…
Yet… there is my “aunt.” I have to start with her. I know I can’t force her. Yet, I must try. We must try. Complacency isn’t an option. Or I am just as bad as my “uncle.”
Reema,
It isn't just Indian culture. I'm American of European decent. English, Scottish, Irish, German, Dutch, and I'm sure others. Some of my ancestors came over on the Mayflower, we've been American before it was America… My father was a charmer, people liked him, but behind closed doors he was a monster. There is a strange hold they have on their victims. My mother had the job, she earned the money, yet he still had a financial hold on her. I was afraid of him yet couldn't stay away. It wasn't until he hurt my daughter that I finally stood up to him… That was my dad… I was trauma bonded to him…
I clung to my first husband too, he did a lousy job of supporting us, and he was abusive, yet getting away took years. I supported us better with daycare than he did, and he should have done well as a computer programmer/analyst. Abusers are lazy. It wasn't until he abandoned the kids in a time of need that I got the strength to end it… I needed to end it years before but couldn't…
By the time my second husband messed up I was stronger, yet was still afraid to be alone… and terrified financially. It still took time to get away.
Yes, culture does mess up the male/female relationship. Very early in the Bible we can read of male dominance and female submission. In my church we call it "Unrighteous Dominion" and it is a serious violation against God. Yes, they will answer to Him for it.
Do what you can to help her… it took a tremendous amount of courage for her to reach out, and she may not have the strength to do it again. We are our brother's (and sister's) keepers.
My prayers for your Aunt, no matter her age, to find peace, hope, and love outside of the abuse. May she find the source of help available to her in some agency, or social group, to leave this man who has demeaned her, hurt her and tried to take something from her that was not his to take.