Living Loving Breathing Boys

Our weekends are usually filled with hockey. Sanj does as much as possible but since he coaches many of the boys teams, I am usually covering drop off and pick up… etc. This ends up taking most of our Saturdays.

Today was one of those days. Tyler and Jordan’s team was in a tournament… so that was all day. As I went through my day… I felt like a great comparison of hockey is much like labour and child birth.

Laboring, breathing, being brave, wondering why the hell am I here, push, push, push… and then… as I get home, do all the things that need to be done… wait for it….

AWWWWWWWWWWW… my head barely touches the cool of my pillow and I feel my shoulders relaxing… just as the doctor catches the baby.

Hearing the calling of “MOMMY” after my head hits that pillow is much like the doctor pushing on your belly after the child is out… to get that placenta out.

They love hockey! Love it. Jordan has been moping around saying “I hate my life,” as his expression of missing this tournament.

I always pray that I see the play that they are reciting back to me in the car. “Did you see me mom… when I deeked that guy?”

What the heck is deeked???

So I will do the hockey mom thing… for many years to come as I will continue to pray that the vasectomy worked!

This is a picture of my dad. I can’t help but stare at this picture. I see my past when I look into his face. I see his smile, I see his expressions I knew so well… so long ago. Now I see him I feel sad. I feel sad that he has to live the last years alone. I feel sad for the ending of his life story.

He looks so much like his mother. Am I in that face? Do you see me?

I found a copy of a “book” I wrote 10 years ago. It is pretty much what I would write now. Except the ending.

Back then, I had so much anger and wanted to hurt someone. I needed to place blame for all the suffering. But really it is about different people making choices. It is about time and consequence. It is about hope and love. It is about God’s faithfulness.

I look at this picture of my dad and hope that in his soul there is goodness. I hope that if God sees goodness there, that my father will be found faithful to be in heaven, healed and whole. I hope that he will see me, run to me and hold me. I hope that I will see and feel that love oozing out for me. But by then, being in heaven, it won’t matter what the results end up being … it is a place of eternal happiness.

Not sure where this comes from except that seeing him triggers a feeling of wanting. Maybe that never will go away.
Maybe because he is a part of me. I can accept life as is… and I am grateful to be in a place of acceptance of what he can offer me. Yet the child in me still yearns.

Today was my aunt’s funeral. Many of my cousins flew in from various places to pay their respects. My brother was filling me in on the day’s events. Despite the occasion, it is the only time we all come together.

As my brother was telling me about the funeral and what was said about my aunt, I couldn’t help wonder what would be said at mine.

What do you say when someone has not lived their life to the fullest of their potential? What do you say about some one that is mean or chooses to keep the world at a distance? Do people just make up stuff?

What will be said at my dad’s funeral… what about my mom’s?

What kind of a legacy am I leaving?

Just thoughts that have been running through my head… as one generation leaves this life one by one.

Do you ever wonder who will show up? Who will cry? What will they remember… what will their fondest memory be?

LIve each day as if it is your last.

Will you have live to the full potential that God intended?

So I have made a decision. After reviewing the last few days… what I really do at home in the evenings, I have realized that I will have to put my career as a real estate agent on hold for now. That time will come but it is not now.

I am a little disappointed, as I have envisioned myself with cool working clothes, being all business-like. But yet it is a decision that is made. I will revisit it at another time.

What I have decided to start is writing my book… a book. I am excited, scared and overwhelmed. But I know that it is going to be a journey and so what better time to start then now.

I have always dreamed of this … I hope that if this is God’s will, as I feel it is, then all the pieces will fall into place.

So… this is one of my big goals for 2009… just to write.

I want to really devote some time to photography to. Just learning my camera better and snapping shoots.
Along the same line is to take some video. We are so bad about video taping just for fun.

I am excited. I am full of thought. Oh dear, here come the sleepless nights.

Yesterday we went to the specialist in Peterborough to see how Jordan’s eye is. After 5 days, more bed rest than a 11 year old can handle… there is significant improvement.

On Sunday, when the doctor checked his sight, he could not see out of that eye. Yesterday the blood was significantly reduced, though there is still some there, and his vision is back and equal to his other eye.

He is still on bed rest till at least Friday and no physically activity at least for 10 days. He is a bit devastated because he will miss a big tournament this weekend.

The doctor mentioned how lucky he was that his eye is healing so nicely. I know this isn’t luck. Thank you all that have prayed for him. I know that God has been good to us.

Have you ever tried to keep a 11 year old boy down? We are redefining “bed” rest!

So thank you… and a note to all of you air soft gun owner… dangerous… not a toy!

This is one way to amuse your self in bed…

Have you ever felt like you were about to embark on something big? Or new or life changing?

I feel this in the pit of my stomach. Maybe it is know that I will soon be part of the working world. Or maybe it is something totally different. I feel I have so much to give or share. What that is? I am not really sure. Part of that is simply hope.

I feel there is a sense of helplessness within women… an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I am not sure… but part of what I feel is the need for sisterhood. For women to know that they are not alone in their worries and sadness. Often what women feel, whether it is under appreciated, tired or the endlessness of life… it is a universal feeling.

Unless you have a great girlfriend who is really open… you don’t realize that what you are feeling is pretty normal.

Have you ever just wanted to get in the car and drive? Drive away from life … even for just a short time? What if all you had to think about was yourself?

I feel a big something in my heart. Writing feels a part of it… yet I am not sure. I just know it will be changing. Maybe life changing for me… and maybe someone else… in a good way.

I feel a little jittery with the uncertainty of it all. Suddenly the real estate course is becoming a question rather than a period.
Part of that is Sanj. He said last night… “I am not sure how it will be with you working evening and weekends…” Then another lady that I know in that business said something similar…. that made me question it again.

Then I feel this book thing in the back of my mind. Yet it is such a huge daunting task, one that requires me to be emotionally ready, that perhaps I am being a Jonah. Maybe this is my calling and I am ignoring it out of fear or uncertainty. And can I make a living as an author?

Right now I am having serious heart palpitations and no one is here to give me CPR…

So please, if you have a moment, could you say a prayer for me? That God gives me clarity. Then strength, then wisdom… and money to ride the ride.

Why are all these doubts coming NOW? I felt so clear and certain. Now I feel like I have NO ANSWERS.
Well except that I never want my cleaning lady to not come!!! (Her absence over the holidays was felt and I am not meant to clean full time… as it turns me into a -itch. Thus I need a job, if only to continue to support this necessity).

So… what is this blog about? Confusion. The need for a good cry. To simply be cleansed. I need answers.
Can I really write a book? My arms have gone weak.

I better lie down. Help!

Ever since I was young I have had hair issues. In my heart, I am a short hair person. I love the very short Halle Berry look. I even went so far as to get a similar cut when I turned 30.

I learned a valuable lesson. What the salons don’t tell you is that you may like the hair cut… yet I was very disappointed with the results. Oh, she cut my hair just like the picture… yet what I learned that was so much more important to achieve that look is that I lacked that face!!!

Traumatized, I have never chopped all my hair off again. So now, it is a choice with long hair with layers with no bangs, or with bangs or no layers with or without bangs.

I may play with the level of longness… but it is got to be longer than a bob.

Here is one of my issues… do you ever notice that the senior ladies, for the most part, have short hair? It must be part of a retirement contract or something. SHORT HAIR! The ones that do have long hair have kind of a hippy thing going on.

So what are my choices? Sanj tells me I have major worries… and really I do! Big ones. But sometimes it is the small ones like an appropriate senior haircut that keeps my mind occupied!

So I am trying out new hair ideas.. .What do you think?

My mom’s family is in Maryland preparing to bury my aunt on Friday. Her remaining siblings are all there… my mom and 2 of her remaining sisters and her sister-in-law. They have gathered together to perhaps find comfort in each other’s presence. Or maybe they are together because it is what people do when someone dies.

Many of my cousins are there… we tend to see each other … it seems only at funerals now.

My mom has lived a life of being bullied. As a child, she was picked on by her siblings. Perhaps it was just the typical sibling stuff yet it had a significant impact on her self-esteem or lack there of. She was taunted with things as being to dark, or ugly. Instead of getting past this, she allowed it to dictate her view of herself.

She married “later” in life and “settled” for someone that would become her biggest bully. Again she lived with it. She fought back in her own way, yet live her life as a victim.

Back in the presence of her sisters, she is being bullied again. Jealousy causes her sister to resort to the age old method that worked. Even in their 70s… they continue to be hurtful. My aunt is consumed by meanness and bitterness. Ugly things continue to come out of her mouth…

Funerals and wedding seem to bring out the worst in people, don’t they say?

Once a bully, I suppose always a bully. Once a victim, always a victim. This I know, not to be true… yet I wish that despite the growth my mom has made in her 70 years… she would be able to stand up to this bully.

Maybe both sisters should be thrown into a bath of mud… and fight it out! Oh.. the visual….

Sad that people have to put others down to build themselves up.

My mom says she is happy… after a lifetime of living by other people’s rules, she lives by her own. Mistakes that are made are her own. She is not made to clean up other’s messes… anymore. She has found her peace… it may not be what I would choose but it is hers only.

My aunt is jealous of this. She lacks peace… despite the fact that she may have lived a life that was a social norm. Sad. I think that life would suck if you have been robbed of true happiness, something that is in your power, has always been in your power to grasp. You have just missed it.

Maybe I need to just beat her up! (joke)

7 a.m. came way too early this morning. Back to school. Back to routine. Back to life in the faster lane. I am glad for a stay at home day. These kind of days don’t happen unless I am forced to stay at home literally.

Friday night we were at some friends home. Jordan got hit in the eye with an air soft gun. He cried and then seemed to be O.K.
Well the next 12 hours or so were spent with the on and off crying of it hurting. Finally Sanj took him to the E.R. The doctor didn’t like what he saw so he sent us to Trenton… an hour and bit away the next morning.

Apparently there is blood built up behind his eye causing the pain and swelling. Nothing can be seen till this subsides. So he is on bedrest till further notice. (Bedrest and a 11 year old boy???) Actually he has done nothing but sleep for most of the day yesterday… which is the best medicine.

So… I pray that all is well that ends well. I can’t help but be stressed by the waiting and wondering. My poor baby.

So, it is a quiet day home. The gym will have to wait. Returns will have to wait. I’d like to say that laundry will have to wait but guess this is a perfect day to get caught up.

Happy January 5th!

I got an email from a friend the other day and she ended with this…

“Well, I am getting tired….time to head to bed. Just finished watching an episode of Sex in the City. Interesting question was posed…..’Can you forgive, when you can’t forget?’ ”

It is just a simple email… but that question has really had me thinking. Can you forgive, when you can’t forget?”

Then different situations flash through my head… some from a lifetime ago… some big and some small.

Can you forgive when forgiveness hasn’t been asked for?

I would think that big hurts… are the ones you never forget. Yet can you REALLY forgive if it is not forgotten?
I would have to say it would depend on the hurt. I would have to say yes.

And here I thought Sex In the City was just about shoes and sex! Who would have thought?

Tonight I met a girl that was sweet, helpful to her parents, beautiful and lovely. I am always taken back by girls that are moody and whiney… all the time. I wonder why that kind of behavior is not put to a stop, especially in public?

Then there are those that have girls, some little and some a little older that are delightful.

This young lady is the kind of girl that we can hope that the boys will pick… she got on the ice with a dozen boys and held her own… actually better than held her own. If I had a daughter, I would hope she would be as delightful as her. I could tell she was not a goodie goodie either.

I am not sure where my mind is … even thinking of a girl my son may like… Oye… but I suppose that part of me is slowly coming around.

Still a scary thought… but it was a delight to see that there are “nice girls” out there.

Now I just have to hope that my sons will be attracted to the “nice girls.”

My mom’s younger sister died new year day. My mom left first thing. Sad, her siblings are slowing passing… which makes me think of my mom’s own mortality.

I lived with my aunt for a summer in Maryland while I finished some course work. My mom’s siblings are all similar to each other. They talk to each other constantly… loving and fighting.

I know my mom will miss her. Sad, yet I know that she is free of pain and suffering. I know that isn’t a comfort yet at the same time, it must be.

So many thoughts.

Last night we had a party. We used to always go out, Sanj and I but as the boys got older, we didn’t like being away from them on New Year’s Eve.

So You invite a few friends who you love…

You have a great hockey game on (Canada vs United States… World Juniors Game)…

You have some cold drinks…

You have a great game (Things In A Box)… Hum….

You have LOTS OF FOOD!

It was a wonderful night! I enjoyed every minute of it… my children enjoyed every minute, especially escaping any normal bedtime.

Goodbye 2008… what a year.

It is going to be a year full of big events for our family. Sammy will graduate and begin high school (wow) Josh will began JK (aw…) and I will start my journey to becoming a real estate agent. (Yikes).

Welcome 2009!