(Josh, last year, first day of JK)
I feel like writing… despite the fact that I still need to finish up some laundry, help the boys with lunches and tidy up a bit more… I need to write. Today, I took the boys to our sweet hairdresser, who did their hair at home, knowing a back to school haircut is important to mom and boys in high school.
We then went to East Side for lunch/supper and then it was back home. Sammy is off trying out for AA Hockey. He is such a sport. I love that he can love a game, try to move up and yet totally enjoy the effort even if the results aren’t always what he wants or hopes for.
I have a pain in my chest. I am pretty sure it is not a heart attack but rather an ache. I am really sad about summer ending. If I dig deeper, I am feeling life going to quickly. I am feeling the loss of childhood as my boys don’t fit into my arms anymore. Panic and yet not even panic but rather a yearning for time to slow down a bit. I so love being with my boys. Despite the fact that one minute they are name calling and mud slinging and I am pulling my hair wondering where I went wrong… I love the love that is always there, just seconds after.
My hairdresser, Helena, was asking how do I do it? I responded that I am not the perfect mommy… I have my share of yelling and freaking out. She responded that there is much love there for the boys that they can forgive the freaking fest and just turn around and love because love is felt and known. What a beautiful thought, isn’t it? What a reassurance that I am doing OK if they still can love me after the storm.
My friend’s son went to University today. I can’t stop thinking about it. I remember that day so clearly. I remember the huge lump in my throat as I waved bye to by brothers. That part was no fun… leaving them. Yet I remember the moments of driving up to campus, my dorm room and feeling the fear that was so good … knowing that I was there… Oh… it was such good times.
Yet… my boys are just years from this. I think that this is contributing to my ache. I think of next year when Josh is full time. I think of next year Jordan graduating from grade 8… soon 3 of my babes will be in high school.
So maybe the best way to describe the ache in my heart is the beauty of my life with my family. I love them each, Sanj, Sammy, Tyler, Jordan, Maxwell, Zachary and Joshua with every bit of my heart. I love my God for the gift of family. I love my God for answering my prayer of 30 years ago… for a happy family.
My heart is aching… and while my boys don’t fit into my arms anymore… I am so thankful that God gave moms hearts that can hold their boys no matter how big they get.
One more sleep…