Dear God…

I give up!


Those are probably words that moms should never say, right?  Here’s the thing, when I thought of babies, of my family that I would have with Sanj, I never really took genetics into account.  Man!  Genetics is a powerful thing.

See, if I were to name   some traits about my husband and I… that I assumed would be passed on to my little being that I carried, loved and nurtured for many years… I would say that my children would be givers.  It’s in the gene.  We are naturally givers.  We are to a fault.  I would say that we are loving, thoughtful people.  I would say that strong headed would be a trait… that could be good or bad… depending…

Other traits that would be passed on would be loyal friend, lover of family.  Generous, selfless…   fierce temper, worker, fighter, lover.

Back to the one word that is Sanj and I… givers.  Why is it that my child is missing this gene?  Why is it he is so selfish?  Why is it that he can seriously only think of himself?  This is very concerning.  He is the most selfish person in our family and the bothersome part is that he doesn’t seemed bothered by it.

Is it my fault?  Yes, I admit, I have spoiled him to the core.  I have loved him senseless.  (Hum… maybe that is the problem!)  Sanj often tells me that I spoil the boys.  Yes, I admit… I have.

Growing up, I had to be too responsible.  I had to accept charity, second hand items and act like I didn’t care that I could wear or have all the things I see others having in abundance.  When I had my babes, I was so delighted to dress them in Baby Gap… even though it took forever for Sammy to fit into the 0-3 months clothing.  Nevertheless… I was delighted to shop all those stores.  Of course, the babes never knew nor cared what they wore.

I often wonder how we did it… back in the day, when we had nothing… Sanj was still building his practice, we had babies back to back… I still took great pleasure in buying the babes stuff that I never had.

As they grew up, yes, there was the overabundance of toys.

Yet… we also instilled the lesson of giving back.  I always explained the lists of names of kids that would not have Christmas is someone didn’t take their name and purchase that item listed.

Our family has always been conscious of our roots, of coming to this country with immigrant parents, who literally had nothing… and to understand the journey that has been make… to who we are today.

Blah Blah Blah… I don’t want to get off track… all I am saying is that despite the fact that my boys have been blessed with a comfy life… they are not given everything.  They are told NO.  They are taught that you must earn things… life is not a easy ride.

Somewhere in these lessons, this child of mine has not been listening.  (Sanj… Check his ears!)  This Christmas, I told them it is three gifts.  As my brother reminded me, Jesus had only three gifts.  I forgot the symbolism for the three gifts… till he reminded me.

One big gift.  One clothing.  One something.

My son whines:  “We only get ONE PRESENT? Aw… how come?”
REALLY???  He bought me this picture of a coat he wants from Hollister.  My problem is why is he thinking only of himself?  He never thinks of others.

The selfishness that comes from him stinks!  It makes me so sad.  It makes me so mad.  It makes me truly believe that I am not cut out for parenting.  It makes me so sad that genes, genetics are such a powerful thing.  I hate that all the negative traits in our gene pool seems to have gravitated towards this child… and the good, generous genes are being repelled.

Jesus,

Are you there?  I really need help.  I am so in dislike with this child of mine, right now.  I love him so much.  I can’t understand his heart.    I am so fearful of this child of mine’s character.  Could you please touch his heart? Please?

Amen

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