Dreams and Fears..

It’s Boxing Day… which is one of my favourite days of the year.

Everyone is calm, relaxing and playing with their loot.  Sanj is off work and we are all just vegging out.

Last night I had one of my dreams.  I woke up in pure fear.  I was having one of my dad dreams… it is the dream where my dad loses his cool and every fiber of my being quakes with fear.

I could feel myself in a dream, just as he was coming at me with acid… which he was going to throw on my heart.

I was “home” and my dad was there.  I was an adult visiting.  There was a lot to the dream and then my dad loses it.  He is upset that I didn’t want him in my life.

Then he starts to lose his temper… his voice rose, body shaking with violence and he is walking towards me.  He said he was going to pour acid on my cold heart and teach me a lesson.

There is that moment between the land of dreaming and reality… I was on the edge.  I felt myself reaching for Sanj… and yet I was so scared that the dream was going to grab me back in.

This is part of my life… dreams that take me back to the moments of absolute fear that was once my reality.

The fear stays with me the rest of the night.

The scars of living with abuse are life long.

There is relief when it isn’t part of your everyday life… yet there are the scars… they stay with you forever… even in your most restful place… your dreams.