Do you ever wonder what it is like to be famous?
Last night I took my mom, who is a die hard figure skater fan, to see Elvis Stokjo in his Rock the Ice Show, which came to Peterborough. My mom was so excited. She just kept grinning! Cute!
I took my three youngest… um… that was a mistake. LOL… they were not that fascinated with the show. True hockey players to the core… they found the show a bit silly, I am thinking.
I wonder at the discipline it takes to put your everything into something like this… whether it be figure skating, gymnastics etc. What makes a person have that kind of drive?
I wish I had a bit of it. Can you imagine being the best at something? I can’t. I wish that I had the stick to it thingy that is required to accomplish something something major. I keep seeking that with just my health… working out, being fit, blah blah blah.
I used to take pride in being a mom… I was a good little kid mom. I really suck at being a teenager mom. It is hard work. I don’t really like it. I wonder if maybe I should have put some of my energy into a career of some kind so maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a failure.
Being a parent to my teens seems to be an uphill battle. I hate climbing hills.
I hate that my 5 year old is repeating words that sound horrible coming out of his mouth… “I hate you”… hum… and he doesn’t even mean it. Oh sure he means it for one minute and then he is back to loving again. I wish it was that easy with my teenagers.
I feel like parenting which I loved and put my whole heart into for years has suddenly turned into a class that I have no silibus for. I am failing at it.
The problem is the self absorption and selfishness that oozes out. I just don’t get it. I can’t comprehend being so self-centred. Even when it was all about me… (and really that was never the case growing up)… there was always that factor of thinking of others. Maybe this was my survival skills. I couldn’t just think about me because I had a parent that was always thinking about himself.
I wonder if it is too late for me to try that method?
Don’t get me wrong… I love my boys to death. It’s those losing moments… Sometimes when I am fighting with my oldest I feel like I am 5 years old and can’t control myself. When he spits out ugliness, I want to spit back. Sometimes I can control myself and other times I suck at it.
Back to being the best at something… I don’t crave fame. I can’t imagine living in a world that I didn’t control. Yet I do crave success. I am not sure what that means to me, yet. I suppose this year, I am out to define that for myself.
What does success like look to me?
A while ago, it looked like having a husband I loved and that loved me back and a happy family. Happy is a relative word, I have learned. I wanted a house that was a home. I wanted to feel safe and secure.
I do feel this… and so in this sense, I have succeeded. Yet… there is more… I know that now that my children are not needing me the same way they did 5 years ago… now that I have time that is mine a bit in a day… what does that mean?
What am I looking to fill that space? What is God calling me to do? What is next in my life… what I will seek to achieve success in?
This is my quest.