Male Bonding…

I am wondering at the extreme opposite it seems that we are as men and women.  I am not sure if this is a gender thing or a personality thing.

Does the man in your life (or DO YOU… if you are a male reading this) have a best friend  that is a male?  I mean a real friend… that they can bare their hearts to?

Why is it that this is such a rare thing?  I do know some men that do have that best buddy, so it isn’t impossible.  Yet it seems that when men get together there is such superficialness in their friendships.  How come?  How long can you talk about the Stanley Cup playoff or what ever issue is in the news, or their vehicles, or their kids or golf or any other topic that doesn’t bare their soul?

Or do men not have that need to be more than superficial?

I remember my girlfriend saying that her husband finds this so hard, as he is not into the usual male bonding stuff of sports etc.  She was saying how he wishes that he could have what we, as girlfriends have… a real relationship that goes beyond the shallow stuff.

Do women have this?  I have this with a few people… I hate the superficial stuff.  I want to know you… I want to know what’s in you and want to have that trust and friendship that allows for this true real relationship.

There have been so many times when we have gone out with a bunch of couples that one of the men wanders over to where the ladies are chattering simply because our conversation is much more titillating.

I notice that so many men need to have that beer, it seems, to go with their guys night out.  It seems that there is always that awkward few minutes of companionship, till a drink works it’s magic and then it seems that the men just can be… they are total different beings.

Why is that?

It seems that men need to be doing something.. golfing and hanging or shooting pool and hanging … they seems to need to do something.

I apologize for clumping all men in this catorgory… I realize that isn’t true.

Yet… it still remains that there are so many that do not have a buddy they can just hang with.

I so often see women hanging out and clicking with each other and then looking at their men… and then  we do what we do… “We should really get the guys out… they seem to be having a good time…”

Do we not?

Maybe our men are happy as they are… maybe they don’t need that bonding thing.  Maybe they are happy living life as what we would see as maybe lonely.

Who knows.

If you do, I’d love to know…

Men are forever saying it is so much easier to be friends with women.  And yet, once married, is it appropriate? Do we want our husband having a best buddy that is female besides us?   Probably not.

As I raise a houseful of boys to men… I wonder about this.  How does it work?  How can I raise my boys to be healthy men with strong friendships?  Is it important for males?  I do hope, as I have said many a time before, that my boys become friends… real friends as they grow up.  I hope that they have a special bond with one of their siblings.

My boys make fun of the number of times my brother may call me in a week… and yet I hope that they see that specialness there.  I really think it sucks when brothers, who love each other, make no effort to be more than blood relations.  🙁

So… Is this a gender thing?  Or a personality thing?  Can you explain it to me? Or men just happy being as they are …or do they yearn for that friendship with a fellow buddy?

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One Response to Male Bonding…

  1. Emily says:

    You have no idea how perfect this is for me to read at this time. I was actually trying to have a “heart to heart” with my hubby last night. I am not sure exactly what it was that I wanted, but I kept telling myself – if only he would open up to me and share from the inner depths of his soul. But he didn’t. And the longer he didn’t, the worse I felt. It was as if I couldn’t give myself permission to share from the inner depths of my soul unless he was doing the same. I guess I wanted to feel that bond that I think women feel for each other when they can open up and be real. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my husband does not have that need to open up. I think it’s a gender thing (to a large degree). Women need emotional contact. Men need physical contact. And I honestly don’t think that my husband was purposely “keeping things from me”. I just think that he didn’t have this inner drive to connect with me on an emotional level. So the bottom line of all of this for me is this: I need to honor my need to connect with people emotionally, and not beat myself up because my husband doesn’t do it or need to do that. I cannot compare apples to oranges. This also tells me that I NEED women in my life. Women who are real, who want and need to bare their souls – good, bad and ugly. And this has been missing for many years for me. It is difficult to find a true, close friend. So I was just sitting here at my computer thinking about the fact that in the last several months, I have lost over 20 pounds, I am eating better, I am exercising, but I am lonlier than ever. It’s like I am working on all the external stuff, but it is blatantly obvious that I have a long way to go on the internal stuff. And I can’t expect my husband to relate if he isn’t in this same space.
    Thanks for the blog!!

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