The sermon today was How to Know God’s Plan for You? Ugh…. this is a question I battle with often.
See after Zachary, baby number five, we were done! I mean originally, we were down for 4 kids. This was our plan, as we chatted about love, life and children. It was the plan. We never thought about 4 boys! I mean… I just never thought of it. Then we had 4 boys… and I just couldn’t fathom not having a baby girl. So we have baby 5- BOY 5- Sweet beautiful Zach!
We were done. 5 boys. This was the edited plan. We were content. So I thought. Yet I still believed that we were to have a girl. 5 verses 6 children… not a big deal, right? Sanj never says no… obviously. So Baby 6 was on its way. I prayed hard. Over each pregnancy. I prayed for God’s will to be done. First ultrasound… those that have had babes, you know how those techs are. They can be very intense. I always find myself holding my breath. Is babe moving? Does he/she have two heads? Well then the tech excuses himself and in comes the doctor. Oye. This has never happened before. And… I GOTTA PEE!!! I am sent back to my OBGYN and told that I have a molar pregnancy. Huh?
Long and short was that I needed D&C and lost the baby.
It really sucked.
Here’s when I went into doubting God’s will. Maybe God’s will wasn’t for us to have 6 kids. Thus the molar pregnancy. How did I know God’s will because I really felt that God was ok with this plan… of course I could have just as easily convinced myself of all this.
I mean… please couldn’t God just shout it out or write on the snow or give me a dream?
Sigh. Again the long and short of it… we decided to give it one more try. I didn’t want that to be my end story … and I still wanted a girl. Yup… Josh was pregnancy number 7! All was well. He was a boy. I had to just give up. (I didn’t believe the doc when he said, “Its a boy”… I had to see between his legs before I believed!!!). And then I had to deal with the realization that girls were not in my cards. God said no.
Knowing His will… was hard. My will seemed to be mixed up with God’s will. Or maybe it was His will for us to have 6 boys. OR not but He worked with my stubbornness and decided He’s teach me a lesson. Josh. Yup. Instant birth control. lol
Thank You, Jesus.
Please help me to continue to see Your Will.
You know, six kids in this day and age is a lot. I didn’t see past babies. I sometimes think about how different life would be with 2.2 kids or 4.3 kids. (Don’t ask me what the point something kids is). Cheaper, faster, less messy, less laundry, did I say cheaper? And yet… I truly can’t imagine my life without Baby boy 5 & 6. They are so full of love. They are so full of life. They keep me young. There are so many days in a week that I just have to stop and thank God for these two extra blessings in my life.
Yes, I’m conviniced that I was meant to be momma to six crazy energetic boys. God saw it all… and knew that this is how to keep me… close to Him… I couldn’t do it without His grace.
Thank You, Jesus for making Your will be know.
I love You.