My answer was quite simple.
“What does my soul need? In one word, REST. Rest from things that torment or hurt me. Learning to accept the family and parents I have, forgiving and letting go of those things that have really hurt the core of me. Learning boundaries are OK and setting them for those that drain or hurt me and not feeling guilty about it.
Giving myself permission to live the life I want… despite what society and family have dictated or suggested.
Guilt … not to be driven by it. To be freed of guilt and be ok with it.
I want to be one with God constantly and not feel the voids that seem to come.
I want to find REST in Him. Maybe that is my control issue.
My soul wants peace. Maybe that is unrealistic… I am not sure at this point if my wants and needs are unreasonable.
So in one word… REST from a unrestful life.”
I realized that my life within my family… Sanj and the boys… is a place of rest.
Maybe a lot of people don’t get it… but it is. Busy yes, yet restful, safe and a place of contentment.
I also realized that I am different. Most people seek time away from their children looking for rest. I don’t need that. Yes, a few hours alone is fabulous… an overnight getaway is an extra special treat… but I am not one that needs a lot of alone time. I probably am too social to even really enjoy it.
I think people that make judgement on our life don’t realize it isn’t ttheirlife. No need to stress… and please don’t stress for me.
I also learned that I need to really listen to my gut. It usually leads me in the right direction… and I need to stop trying to fix things for others or make peace in a situation that really does not work for me. This is hard to do especially when family is concerned.
Yet as I listen to my heart… and continue to act on its leading… I feel good. I do find it a restful place to be. I need to listen to where my heart leads and stay within my zone.
Then there is the fear factor… growing up in an abusive family… fear is a part of my life. Loud voices make me nervous. After 14 years of marriage, I know in my heart of hearts, Sanj will never ever raise his hand on me. Yet… if we are fighting… as his voice raises… so does my irrational fear. Yet… I know I will always stand up despite that fear… fight back… no matter what.
Yet there are still people that bring fear to the surface by just being around them. My father and middle brother… their presence is not a simple thing. It comes with fear that I will be hurt… physically or emotionally. As I discussed this… my doctor and I came to the conclusion that all fear is not bad. It is fear that keeps me cautious, in a protective mode… when with persons I need to have protection (in what ever form that may be). I tend to allow myself to feel sorry and feel the need to bail out… yet this is usually only a behavior of enabling.
So fear in my heart is a protector of my soul. I found that kind of interesting. I am not always smart enough to listen to my gut or warning bells that are ringing loud and clear. So … fear… which can be paralyzing is my body or mind’s way of keeping me safe.
I am learning to let the past go… learning to truly trust God to bring justice to those that have hurt me… in His time and LET IT GO. I no longer feel that I need to save the invisible… why have I been so consumed with watching people who have hurt me, continue to be successful… and allow my anger to hinder my growth and happiness?
God sees the big picture. I am only looking at today and possible tomorrow.
Trust is a huge factor in seeking REST… rest in my soul. I have to trust that God is IN control even when I am not feeling it. I have to have faith in my husband that his love is forever. I have to except my limitations as a mother and what I can do for my children daily. I have to really seek God’s will in my life… then the REST will just BE.
So I feel good. I feel glad and grateful for all the blessings in my life. I feel thankful for the strength that is just always a prayer away when I need a boost.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest.’ Matt. 11:28