Withdrawal…

It’s cloudy.  It’s Thursday.  It’s been a busy week.  Our church is having their annual ball hockey camp.  The older three boys are all leaders.  I’m helping with the snacks which means up early and there for the morning.  Today it was rainy.  I did my thing and headed home.  There’s laundry.  There’s cleaning and tidying.  There’s so much that has my name on it, especially with school starting in a few weeks. Add to this … I’m feeling very low.  I hate that.  I hate feeling sad.  I hate feeling overwhelmed.  I hate feeling like I need to crawl in a cocoon and just sleep.  I realize that when I felt like this I’d shop.  It was therapy and it worked but obviously was not a healthy kind of therapy.  I’ve given up my shopaholic ways so now….. I obviously need to find another vice.  Why can’t the gym be that therapy?  SMH…

We’ve returned from a wonderful vacation in DC with family.  My brother and family was there too, so I got to catch up with each of them.  Then there are the cousins…. my boys are so in heaven when with them.  And this time… we reunited with some of my side  cousins and that was great.  It’s nice to build relations without parents forcing it.  It’s nice to reminisce and see that every one had such a different outlook on the same thing.  Wow.  It’s nice knowing that family is family.  We begin with family and end with family.

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 My boys were so subdued on the ride back, sad to say goodbye and leave.  I love that.  I love that they really don’t care if we do the sights as long as they are together with the family.  Am I in withdrawal? Maybe.

I am preparing for Sammy to leave again.  He’s only been home a short time.  He’s heading to Ottawa to go to school at Algonquin College.  His girlfriend, Tarah is moving here (Ottawa) from California and arrives today!!!  So craaaaazzzzyyyy, this life!  By next week they will be in Ottawa on their own… grown up.

Before blinked, three of my boys have girlfriends.  When did the cooties go away???  I am grateful I like them— the girls and wish my boys all the best with lots of love and praying for very little heart ache.

I think that the emotions I feel are confusion and sadness.  Letting go.  Letting my boys make choices— some that are not ones we’d make but as they grow, we have to let them do their thing.  We set rules and guidelines.  We have our morals and standards.  We pray that this is theirs too and yet have to be prepared to let go… when they make their own choices.  Yikes.

Confusion because parenting is so different now.  I mean, my parents told me that I was going to Andrews University after high school.  I didn’t even think otherwise.  (I am pretty   sure aside from the degree they wanted me to “find” a hubby there…. mission accomplished)!!!  My point though was I never really thought of not listening!  Now my kids have thoughts and opinions that they actually express!  Wow!  I remember maybe being bold enough to mutter under my breath but usually my thoughts stay in!!!  I love that my kids are secure in our love to be expressive.  Most of the time.  I’m saying that … and yet sometimes just miss the obedience that came with fear!!!  I guess the bottom line is that I’m confused if I’m doing it right.  I am confused by the individuals that have taken over my world… 20 years ago… that I’m not the #1 girl…. that I’m weird or embarrassing  with out even trying most times.  I’m confused by that second when I have done it right… (I’m never aware of it….) or when I get a little piece of affection.  Yah… I’m confused.  I realized that maybe I shouldn’t care so much … but I do.

Sadness… letting go.  While Sammy is physically moving out, the others have moved on .  They have girls, friends and active social lives.  It is not rare that I am often with Josh.  Alone.  Wow.  How did that happen?  And sometimes the house is busting at the seams.  And yet, its really just about the food… when I am feeding a crew.  Don’t get this wrong… I love feeding all those that come through.  And yet, as quickly as they come, they leave, to the basement or out the door.  Sadness is just the reality that my little ones are big ones, with lives.  They are successful and social and all those things that I spent so much time, energy and love shaping they into.  Yet…. I never really prepared myself for the moment… you know… when being a successful parent eventually means they are independent beings with a life.  Sadness and pride… some how mingled together.

Wow.  There’s so much about parenting that What To Expect When Your Pregnant didn’t warn me about.

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