“God doesn’t waste anything, especially pain” (Pastor Kenniphas- from today’s sermon). Very rarely will you hear me quoting a sermon… my mind has a hard time staying focused. I usually get blessed by the music and then my mind will wander, catching bits here and there. Today, I think God was talking directly to me and used the sermon to do so. Oh, my mind wandered but there was a lot that was being said that I believe God was knocking me on the head with.
This week was brutal. I didn’t bother to tell anyone because it is the same song that I sing and I am sick of hearing myself, so I can only imagine those close to me hearing it again. Especially when the answer is obvious. Take my pill. Why do I stop? I’m not really sure. I guess it’s pure laziness. I get in bed and the thought of having to get up and take the drugs seems overwhelming… at least this time. Then a day and then two go by and I feel good and then figure (even though I know better), maybe I don’t need it!!! Lie!!! Then I find myself in a closet, crying. Everything seems so hard. Everything. I tried disguising it by giving the right answers or laughing when I don’t feel like it. Inevitably I crash. Usually the trigger is cleaning and then I scream at my people for leaving their crap around. Then they all stare. Then they know. I’ve fallen off the wagon… off my pill.
Yes, if you read my blog, you know this is something I deal with every so often. Yet I have such anger with myself. I didn’t ask to be mentally ill. I mean, why me? I hate all the pills I have to take … if you add my diabetic drugs… yah, I’m swallowing a pharmacy every night. I hate meds. I hate knowing I am just a few drugs off of losing it. This week I found myself beseeching God to just take me. So many look at death as a horror… but I guess I just love knowing that this will be what gets me to God asap. How awesome would that be… there is so much pain. There is so much pressure. There are so many yanking at me in all directions. Sometimes it is all so exhausting. It’s ridiculous how much life suck out and for what? Bills. Money. Wants. I mean why is it so hard? I hate watching this I hate struggle. I hate how money is such a necessity. Sure, we can all pretend it isn’t but really, it is.
Today as I listened to the sermon… I was totally grabbed by God telling me He doesn’t waste anything, especially my pain. Wow. I love that. I have shared some of the pains in my journey here … a father who was emotionally absent and yet emotionally and physically abusive. A life of watching a mom be battered. Living in a town and place where I always felt inferior to those around me. Rejected. Insecure. Left wanting so much. I mean there was a lot of pain. We all experience growing pains. Maybe that’s what it was to some degree… growing pains and yet my God does not waste anything. He has and continues to use my pain. How humbling. How amazing that I am who I am today because God didn’t waste my pain. You know how much I grew and continue to grow from pain? It has made me empathic to others. It has made me stronger than I every was. It has given me a voice for those that may not be able to even whisper.
My God does not waste anything, especially my pain. It always comes down to trusting, doesn’t it? Trust and Obey, as there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey. Such simpleness … and yet so much truth.
I often look at my boys and shake me head wondering why they can’t just listen. I mean how hard is it to listen? I’ve been down this path… I do know some stuff… and yet in many paths, they have to walk and stumble to learn themselves. When I think of the frustration I as a parent feel, I can only imagine God, looking at me, saying the SAME thing!!! I love knowing that God is using my pain. He does not waste so I must relax, close my eye and let go… allow myself to follow because… He has me. He will catch me. He will always catch me. The rest of the stuff… that causes me angst … my crazy pill, my mental health, my worries… God’s there to catch it all. I have to TRUST and OBEY as there is really no other way.