Fear!


Do you have fears that can consume you? I suppose most of us fear something or another.

Cancer is a big one for me. It is one of those things that I have seen hurt those around me. I guess I just want to be there for my children… then when they are grown… I feel I can handle things better.

Losing one of my children… this is not one I obsess about … but do pray for that heavenly protection over each of my children.
When I hear a story about a child being taken… it hits me where I can’t breathe. I just can’t even image.

Then there is pregnancy… sounds silly, yah, I know. Every one of my pregnancies were planned. I am happy with the six munchkins I have.

I am 40 years old. I made my plans to be done having babies by 35. Pretty close… Josh was in my belly at 35. Done. Finished.

I am looking at the next phase of life. A few days where I can do what needs to be done without a shadow. (Loved having a shadow… will miss the shadow….)

I have always enjoyed each of my pregnancies. I loved being pregnant. After Josh, we were done… done having kids and done trying for a girl. Sanj got “fixed.”

I have to admit, I still worried about getting pregnant. I felt that his sperm was not normal… rather a super-sperm… a vasectomy will not stop the swimmer from “becoming!” So I used birth control for back up… and to help deal with my cramp issues.

I finally decided to just let it all go and deal with the cramping.

This month my period did not make its appearance. In place of it was serious nausea, dry heaving and cramps. My period is never late. I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I didn’t believe it. Major freaking out.

Still very nauseous. More freaking out (have to admit… a bit excited … crazy, I know…) another pregnancy test. Negative.

By now… I truly believe I am pregnant. Sanj is not enjoying my craziness. Yes, one more prego test. Negative.

It is amazing how you can make yourself believe and feel psychologically. I convinced myself that I was pregnant. I went to my doctor’s … for blood work.

Phone rings… heart races… not pregnant. OK… phew. I am too old to be waking up, changing diapers, carrying a diaper bag, dealing with car seats, strollers, spit up, teething, potty training… OK… bring on the nausea, I can handle it.

I loved being pregnant. I LOVED babies. I will miss it. Maybe my missed period is just another sign of saying goodbye to my youth. Maybe I am getting old…

I really do scare myself sometimes. Poor Sanj… see what he has to live with?!!

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