Over the summer I wrote about how Sammy and I have been clashing… which was his attempts of separating himself from me. I didn’t handle it with any level of grace. I was just hurt wondering why this child I love so much is pushing me away.
Then we had an incident which was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The worst thing that could happen to Sammy right now is too lose his phone… his connection to his world of friends.
Gone. I took his phone away. He was more sorry about the lose of the phone than his actions.
Over a period of a few weeks, Sanj spoke to him about being really sorry and asking for forgiveness. I basically focused on my other boys and stayed out of Sammy’s way.
While taking his phone away would serve as punishment for his actions… I wasn’t sure it was really teaching him what I really want him to understand.
He did apologize. We moved on.
What I noticed is that he really still needs me but just didn’t know how to do that in a cool acceptable way.
It made me realize that so many times we tell our children to do something, yet never realize that maybe they just don’t know how.
An example of this is Sammy and Zach. There is 7 years between them. Zachary copies Sammy… looks up to him… and simply drives him crazy. I am forever nagging him to just be nice. It hit me that maybe he needs help with this. Zachary just wants Sammy’s attention… so he does irritating things to get it.
My suggestion to Sammy was do the little things. Sammy got a new BMX bike… to do tricks etc… Zachary wanted to try it… Just say yes… to him and let him have a chance. Buy him a lollypop. When wrestling with him (Sammy’s idea of attention) add in an “I love you, Zach.”
Sammy and I made a contract together. The phone is mine, period. Yet he can have it from certain hours if he full fills the items on the contract. He was willing to do anything.
A few things off the contract are:
Hugs for mom a couple of times a day.
I love you, Moms… thorough out the day.
Make a conscious effect to connect with Zachary in small ways in his day.
There are other things obviously… yet these are the ones that are most important to me.
OK… you may think this is ridiculous. But it works. I think he just needed an out to love his mom the way he always has. Sometimes he will come and say “love you mommy… there, that is one time…” as I am cooking… I am good with that. Hugging… receiving it and accepting it… I am good with that.
It really has made a big difference. I have had to take the phone away when he does not do his share… and it is a reminder that we have an agreement.
When I was first stating my demands… Sammy laughed and said… “I want my lawyer to see this!”
I am grateful to connect with him… even through a contract… yet I am grateful that he has found a way to have me… mommy… when he needs it… as he does still need it.