Have you missed me? I have missed writing so much. Our internet is down and having issues that don’t seem to be solved overnight. Annoying! So for the past days, I have been talking to myself a lot. I decided to come to the office with the pretense of working yet writing instead. Guess it is one of the perks of snoozing with the boss. 🙂
I had an epiphany of sorts a few days ago. Have you ever “loved” someone and they didn’t love you back? They said they would yet they really didn’t? Their actions spoke volumes that argued against their words? I had a boyfriend whom I ‘loved.’ (I loved him but it was baby love… yet at the time it was all I knew). When we graduated from university and were to got our seperate ways, we made promises to make it work… despite the fact that we knew that long distance was hard. I believed in us. I was ready to do the work. He wasn’t. Shortly afterwards, we broke up. Well… he gave up.
We all have the heartbreak stories. Yes, I know. I did get over it… obviously and God soon showed me that He had better and bigger plans for me… Sanj. What a great plan.
Yet, for a long time, what hurt was why did the boyfriend give up on us? Was I not worth it? It isn’t about letting go after a break up but for me it was about needing an answer … just tell me… how come you didn’t want to make the effort… especially if you loved me?
OK… I never got the answer. Many of us don’t. Some are lucky to have that kind of closure.
Where is this going? Here’s the thing… I feel like I just went through a break up again… with a girlfriend.
Oh sure, we are still “friends.” Yet it is different. Something happened. Something changed.
We hit it off so well. We chatted everyday for the longest time. We hung out, we played and we connected.
Then something changed. Along came a new friend. I keep asking and wondering… what is different? Well maybe I know. Maybe we don’t agree about all the same kinds of people. Yet, that shouldn’t matter, should it? We can be friends with others too, yet we still can be us.
Apparently it not. I feel like I have gone through a break up. I feel like I am seeking answers and yet there are none. As I watch them hang out, I feel sad. I feel like I have been dumped. I feel so hurt.
Maybe again, it is a season. This friendship was season. Yet I see them together and find that it hurts. I find that I am not sure I can do this anymore. Maybe what I am seeking doesn’t really exsist. Maybe loneliness is just a fact of life.
I really thought that if I kept seeking that I would someday find that girlfriend connection. A real connection. Don’t get me wrong… I have friends…. that I love and cherish. Yes and you know if you are one of them. So don’t start second guessing our friendship.
I guess I just miss having, for lack of a better word, a best friend here. I have it with some of my friends that are in other states. Why is it so hard to find that now?
I am always with people because I love and need that. Yet, I am seeking a friendship that has true depth. I am seeking a friend that is willing to let it all hang out and be real and intimate. I am seeking a friendship that initiates just as much, that wants me as much, someone that isn’t going to ditch me.
Maybe I should place a want ad. Maybe I just have too high an expectation. Maybe this is life… and I have a lot to be grateful for… a family that I love, a fabulous hubby, crazy kids that make my world… and friends… lots of friends. Maybe I am just being greedy… yeah… maybe.
Reema,
First of all, YES, I missed you.
I don't think you are asking too much. As women we need a deep connection with other women. It is in our makeup. That is why women used to have quilting bees. They got together and shared their hearts. They needed each other.
I'm not like you, I don't make friends easily. I am shy, introverted, I have to push against my comfort zone often. I only have a few friends, but I absolutely need them. I don't seem to be able to maintain more than a few deep friendships at once. One person flows in and one flows out to make room. I don't mean for it to happen, and it doesn't always. But sometimes it does.
Right now I am in a deficit. I think I end up choosing friends who are like me, so sometimes I am the one that flows out for them. Life happens, they get busy. But then we reconnect years later and we're still friends.
My divorce has left a hole in me. I continued a "friendship" with my ex-husband after the divorce was final. I was lonely. I could still be a friend because I didn't have to trust him anymore, but it continued to flow away from him. I have now moved to a different state and days go by between text bursts (from him). I like that he has flowed out, that there is room for another friend, I really don't want him to have the space. Trust is important to me in a friendship. What I ended up having with him was a superficial mirage.
I know, you were talking about a girlfriend. I had a close friend for years, my next door neighbor. We went to different churches, her church started preaching anti-Mormon, and obviously, I'm Mormon. But she chose to stick with me, to ignore her church. We are still friends, we respect each others beliefs. Our lives took us to different places, but when we get together, the love is still there, her space never got occupied by someone else, neither did mine, it just went dormant for a time.
My sister has been a close friend. I live in her home now, but I hardly ever see her. She pleaded with me to move in with her, because she was lonely. We would have so much fun together, so I did… She has a boyfriend now and spends every moment she can with him. We don't have those "talks" anymore. Her choices make me nervous and she knows it, so she is uncomfortable around me. I haven't judged her, but she thinks I have, because I don't agree with her choices. It is awkward. I have said very little to her, but she knows because of my beliefs, that I don't agree. You can love someone and disagree with them. You can disagree with someone and still not be judging them.
I am either home alone, or spending the night with my daughter Tiffany now.
I too feel lonely a lot of the time. I keep myself occupied with my kids, now adults. It's not the same as a peer. I started my blog to ease the loneliness. Still waiting on that one.
~S