Have you missed me? I have missed writing so much. Our internet is down and having issues that don’t seem to be solved overnight. Annoying! So for the past days, I have been talking to myself a lot. I decided to come to the office with the pretense of working yet writing instead. Guess it is one of the perks of snoozing with the boss. 🙂
I had an epiphany of sorts a few days ago. Have you ever “loved” someone and they didn’t love you back? They said they would yet they really didn’t? Their actions spoke volumes that argued against their words? I had a boyfriend whom I ‘loved.’ (I loved him but it was baby love… yet at the time it was all I knew). When we graduated from university and were to got our seperate ways, we made promises to make it work… despite the fact that we knew that long distance was hard. I believed in us. I was ready to do the work. He wasn’t. Shortly afterwards, we broke up. Well… he gave up.
We all have the heartbreak stories. Yes, I know. I did get over it… obviously and God soon showed me that He had better and bigger plans for me… Sanj. What a great plan.
Yet, for a long time, what hurt was why did the boyfriend give up on us? Was I not worth it? It isn’t about letting go after a break up but for me it was about needing an answer … just tell me… how come you didn’t want to make the effort… especially if you loved me?
OK… I never got the answer. Many of us don’t. Some are lucky to have that kind of closure.
Where is this going? Here’s the thing… I feel like I just went through a break up again… with a girlfriend.
Oh sure, we are still “friends.” Yet it is different. Something happened. Something changed.
We hit it off so well. We chatted everyday for the longest time. We hung out, we played and we connected.
Then something changed. Along came a new friend. I keep asking and wondering… what is different? Well maybe I know. Maybe we don’t agree about all the same kinds of people. Yet, that shouldn’t matter, should it? We can be friends with others too, yet we still can be us.
Apparently it not. I feel like I have gone through a break up. I feel like I am seeking answers and yet there are none. As I watch them hang out, I feel sad. I feel like I have been dumped. I feel so hurt.
Maybe again, it is a season. This friendship was season. Yet I see them together and find that it hurts. I find that I am not sure I can do this anymore. Maybe what I am seeking doesn’t really exsist. Maybe loneliness is just a fact of life.
I really thought that if I kept seeking that I would someday find that girlfriend connection. A real connection. Don’t get me wrong… I have friends…. that I love and cherish. Yes and you know if you are one of them. So don’t start second guessing our friendship.
I guess I just miss having, for lack of a better word, a best friend here. I have it with some of my friends that are in other states. Why is it so hard to find that now?
I am always with people because I love and need that. Yet, I am seeking a friendship that has true depth. I am seeking a friend that is willing to let it all hang out and be real and intimate. I am seeking a friendship that initiates just as much, that wants me as much, someone that isn’t going to ditch me.
Maybe I should place a want ad. Maybe I just have too high an expectation. Maybe this is life… and I have a lot to be grateful for… a family that I love, a fabulous hubby, crazy kids that make my world… and friends… lots of friends. Maybe I am just being greedy… yeah… maybe.