Fear! I am such a chicken, I realized. I know, everyone is scared of stuff… it is normal. Yet, I am scared of much more than the average person. Of course this probably goes hand in hand that I am far from average! lol
Yesterday was ski day at the boys school. It is such a great day. Sanj took the day off, Sammy came with us and I picked up Josh and Zach at noon to take them too. Everybody skis. Yes, even Josh. After 2 days of being out, with lessons, my boy was skiing down the hill like a crazy man. I was so proud of him. He was so proud of himself too. Zach is a little pro. He even went down Black Diamond with Sanj and the boys … no fear.
I have to admit, I really want to ski. I love being the chalet too. The boys always know where to find me for snacks or what nots. I like having the time to read and hang out. Yet, if I am truthful…. I would love to zip down the hill. It looks so easy!
I tried it… a few years ago. I took a lesson. That was part of the probably, I had a older dude and he did not make me feel comfortable. I felt like he was annoyed to have to deal with me the whole time. Then there was the ski lift. Who thought of that? Really! Here is my real issue.. I am so scared to get off the lift and ski off. It looks easy yet there is that huge chance that I may fall and they would have to stop the lift… and all of a sudden I am back in high school praying that the football doesn’t come my way or that my bat makes contact with the darn ball.
I am a chicken. I have overcome a lot. Yet as I contemplate all the things I have fears of … it is a long list of things:
-dark bottomless waters
-being alone, especially at night
-mice, rats and rodents
-the boogie man
-some people actually scare me… being in there presence
-skiing and skating
-getting pregnant (I am not joking)
-I could continue but why bother, you get the point… I am a chicken.
I look at my boys and think that they don’t have fear of little things. They can sleep in a totally dark room, closet open and feet exposed and be totally content.
I wondered how much of it is that fact that fear was part of my world since I was born. My dad raised his hand on my when I was only a year old. I learned to fear him more and more with each year that passed. Life was not safe. I realize that it sticks with you. There are many things I fear simply because I never trust 100% that it is every OK.
Yet… I don’t want to not live. So… I have to trust that Sanj will never hit me. I have to trust that he will never cheat on me. I have to trust that we will always love and cherish each other. I have to believe. I have to trust. Life would not be much if I did not chose to trust.
I trust that the boogie man stays away. I trust that if I had to jump into dark waters that the sharks will not be attracted to me. I trust that if I got cancer or pregnant that God will give me that strength to deal with it all.
So… as I work to overcoming fears and things that cause me to need a puffer… (a joke)… I think I am going to add a ski lesson to my list. Yup… I blogged it. I am going to do it. Oh Father… please help me and let me not break anything.
Josh apparently told Sanj yesterday that he wanted to ski with mommy. Grrr… that child!
Speaking of Josh… he said to me, “Mommy, how come I never dream about you? I want to dream about you.” He left me speechless and breathless. A child’s love… what a beautiful thing.