I had a rough couple of days. Cramps from hell. I was swearing at Eve quite violently this morning. Sigh. Since my baby days are DONE… I am counting down the months/years till menopause. 🙂
Yesterday 3 strangers asked me if we would have more kids? People, my youngest is 5. No… we are done! Pick on someone else.
I just got a letter from my dad today. Well, it may have been in there a bit longer, since I don’t check our mailbox every day. (Really, usually it is just bills, bills and more bills. It was a big envelope. Inside was his wishes when he dies. It was a bit weird. Yet at the same time, it was a bit of a relief. No fighting over who and what when that time comes.
He wrote me a hand written letter, the writing was very shaky. Before I read it, just looking at it made me very sad. This is my dad. I wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for his part. It is weird when I put it that cut and dry.
He wrote a lot of the usual. Then he wrote he loved me very much. He wrote, “Forgive me all the mistakes I have made.”
Wow. I have waited forever and yet here are those words. Love you and forgive me.
A part of me wants to cry, actually bawl my eyes out for all the pain and heart ache that has been over 4 decades and yet even longer. What made it so complicated and hard? Why? I have always said I knew my dad loved me. Yet, I always said actions speak louder than words. It is a rule that I try to live my life by. Don’t just say the words, show it so that there is never any doubt. Too many of my dad’s actions belied those words. Yet, today, I read them in black and white. Today, I really do believe the words that I stare at in that shaky handwriting. Today, right now, I wish I could climb on my dad’s lap, without reservation and have him hold me and sob like a baby. God, how much I love my dad. How much I wish he had a normal, safe presence in my life.
Tears are flowing as I type this simply because there has been so much pain and loss. There has been so much waste. I wish that my dad was the same all the time. I wish I could be safe with him. No, I am not scared of him physically anymore but I am emotionally. His instability causes me so much up and down emotions.
It is a typical letter of his, though. There are other things that he writes. He always has said that he stayed away because of my mom. She wouldn’t be there if he was. There is always the factor of blame that is in his letters.
As usual, contact with him leaves me confused.
Dear Jesus,
You know my thoughts and feelings even as I can’t make sense of them.
My dad, I love him. Thank you for bring me into the world. Thank you for the traits that he blessed me with. Thank you for loving us so unconditionally. I know You love him so much. I know You see him as he was meant to be without sin. I can’t wait to meet that man in heaven. I pray that he is there. I pray that You wrap him with that peace that only You can give him. Comfort him.
I am so glad that I have you, God, as my Father that I can count on.
I love You!
Amen