Living Loving Breathing Boys

I am in the kitchen working on supper. Jordan is with me, putting away the groceries. I am sure I have written about his “love language” for lack of a better word. He is not the most demonstrative of his affections in the normal sense. Of course normal is relative.

Jordan went to the basement to put something in the freezer. He comes back to the kitchen and right to me and gives me a real hug and says, ” Mommy, I love you.” My heart stops a full second and my mind races… wow… all my patience has finally broken through!

Then the next second I feel ice slithering down my back. Laughter that only Jordan can bellow out follows.

Hum… I love you too, Jordan… very much.

After a period of lows for me personally, my mountains of faith turned into a mustard seed. Apparently, that is all you need. Yet for me it was a horrible feeling to not have faith simply carry me. I was having a temper tantrum with God. My relationship with Him is so childish I am embarrassed sometimes. I am so glad that He is patience and long suffering.

I have found it so easy to pray for others and even believe that He will come thru with huge miracles. Yet as grateful as I am for these answered prayers, I have realized that I never really gave God credit for those answered prayers. Maybe because they did not affect me directly.

A friend of mine was on death’s door literally many times this last year. I remember crying all night at the thought of her death, begging God to heal her. Her ministry was so special I could not imagine my world with out her. I could not image the pain the family would suffer.

Well, she is alive and well. It really is a miracle. While I was so thankful to God for this miracle I didn’t see the full picture. This was one of MY prayers being answered. There were hundreds of prayers for her… but one of those was mine and it was answered.

I have not been giving God credit for all the things I have prayed for that He has answered. Maybe because it is not me directly or a prayer that is a big one to me.

But as I sit back and think of people in my life I pray for, I HAVE to be so thankful for the prayers He continues to answer.
I am so ungrateful and childish.

So with our house experience I was determined to simply let it be. I told God I know and He knows our wants and needs. I am leaving this in His will and hands.

There have been many ups and down in the last three months. But with each disappointment there is eventually understanding. I have felt such peace in place of stress and angst. When I am getting too excited… I just have said… “OK God, this is all You.”

We sold our house within in two months (even though it really did feel like a whole year)! And we got a great price. I have been able to have peace about being homeless. I have been able to get back to Trusting 101. It feels so good. I am trying so hard not to read things that aren’t there. This is one of my biggest flaws… looking for signs everywhere.

I want to HEAR God clearly. My huge disappointments of past were of my own creations. Yet I still could not help being so anger at God. I am learning to LISTEN and simply be. I am learning that answers will come if I am patient. I am learning.

It just takes the faith of a mustard seed… then letting it slowing grow, being patient. God is teaching my patience. I never asked that of Him… I hate the lessons in patience. Obviously He seem to think I need to grow in that area. I am coming along.

Lord, thank you for the MANY prayers you have answered that I never thanked you for. Thank you for being so patient. Thank you for not giving up on me.

A family of 8 does not have many choices of what vehicles they can drive. Yes, there are vehicles with 8 seats… such as Sanj’s SUV that we all ride in occasionally. But sometime during the drive we remember WHY we have a 12 passenger van… to spread them apart. When they are seated so they can reach out and touch someone… only no good comes!

My 12 passenger GM Express… which I prayed for … is a sore point with me. First of all, it is a piece of crap! From the first day we had issues with it and those issues only continued to grow. I am not sure if I can say I hate my van but it is a pretty close emotion.
Then there is the endless issue of the gas prices. Have mercy! We have our Suburban which is just there in the driveway because it is over 300,000 km on it and paid off. When the roads are bad in the winter and my van isn’t going to make it, I take the Surburban. A couple of months ago I decided to take it for the day and fill it up because it was on empty.

Well as I paid the bill… $175 later I almost had a heart attack. Sanj said, “why did you do that?” I had no idea. It was full service and was not paying attention. That was months ago with prices quite a bit “lower.”

My van is lucky it gets filled up $100 at a time. I am lucky if that gets me a little over half a tank!

So my van is a blessing and a curse. Size matters. Lately I have been eying these little cars. I really like this Saab and lime green is one of my favorite colors. Enough room for myself and some shopping bags. Oh Yeah! Well there are 4 seats so technically Josh could come along while the others are in school. Hum…

Envy… the green eyed monster. Once a luxury now seems like it may be a necessity with the way the price of gas is going!

I have been spending lots of time in the van, driving the boys to their various destinations.

A game they play is “Yellow Car”… is this a real game? The object is to see a yellow car and call out “YELLOW CAR” before the other sibling claim credit to it. A yellow punch buggy counts as 2 points.

Now this is the part I am sure they made up… after accumulating 10 points, you can punch someone 10 times or let your points add up and use them later. Hum…

So I have joined in playing the game. Apparently I am pretty good! 😛 I have 11 points or so in one day! How do I pick who is the lucky one to get punched?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe?

I have loved writing everyday on my blog. Sometimes it is therapy and other times it is a source of relaxing.

Summer is here and I find myself in constant search for moments to just sit without interruption. It is not happening too often. The boys are everywhere. It is a constant game of hide and seek. Someone is always trying to find me whether I am in the kitchen, laundry, bathroom or bed. Someone is always IT.

I am going through blogger’s withdrawal. Oh oh… I can hear Zach asking Josh… “Where is mommy?”

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary! Sanj and I have been together 5110 days (give or take a few)! WOW… it is a good thing that I can say I love him more now than 14 years ago. He has grown on me! He is a man full of passion, love and beliefs. Some of his beliefs are different from mine but he has learned to understand that I am always right! 🙂

We have kind of grown up together in so many ways. We have had many fights but learned that loving each other is better than always being right. We have learned when to be quiet and what is worth standing up for.

We are a united front to our kids, though they know whom to work and when.

Despite our many differences, we have learned to appreciate that our differences combine to make us stronger a whole.

Sanj is all I have dreamed of in my little girl dreams of my prince. I love him and cherish the times we share together or apart.

I have promised him another 5000+ days and then I will take inventory on his qualities again. I am sure though that we will have many more 5000 day periods.

It is 7:30 p.m. and we have just put pajamas on, ready to watch a movie with the boys and veg out. It was a full day at the zoo and hot to boot. I am just ready to lean my head on one of the boys shoulders and relax. Then the phone rings… a neighbour wants to know if Sammy want to go to the arcade down the street…

We don’t want him to go alone since he will be getting a ride back. He just needs a ride there.

I learned to drive when I was 16 years old. While it was great to have some freedom, it was also a nescessate because my dad was the only driver. (My mom did not get her licease till she was 50+). So it was great for my parents to have another driver around. You know how it is… when you first get your licease, you are willing to drive anywhere. “Oh you need milk? I’ll go!”

Well the weird thing was I was not allowed to go ANYWHERE unless my younger brother came along. How dumb… was he going to save me in case of an emergency? NO! But I had to take Rajiv along wherever I had to go. He loved that sense of power.

Then came the Saturday night events at school that I would want to go. Yet the answer was “only if Rajiv is going too.” How weird and crazy. It was so infrueating. I was already a nerd. Then I had to take my nerdy brother with me too? GRRR….

Then there was the “you can go if you get a ride.” First of all, we lived in the boonies… in a part of town not too many people lived. Second of all, I never really wanted others to come to our house. You never knew what could happen. So… getting a ride was not an option.

I remember that frustration so clearly. Maybe my parents were tired. Or maybe it was an other way to keep a tight control over my life.

Sanj had the look of “I really don’t want to go out now.” Sammy had the look of … “please?” I got off my butt, drive the 2 minutes it took to drop him off. We both feel good.

Today is Canada Day! It was a beautifully hot day that we spent at the Toronto Zoo. Josh was delighted to see the animals in the African Pavillian. His favorites were the elephants and hippos. The older boys were not so thrilled to be there but perked up when the ice cream came to cool them off.

It was a good day to appreciate our country and all the freedoms that we take for granted every day.

I haven’t blogged about this yet because I really wanted and need to think about it. I have been praying for God to help me come to terms with all the questions in my heart. As I said before, my mom was here. I have been asking her questions about my dad, his early years, the earlier years of their marriage, just life in general with him.

He is my father and there is a natural desire or yearning for love and connection with him. I have felt that hole of not having a father/daughter relationship for most of my adult life. I have really struggled with the questions of “Was his mental illness the reason for his craziness?”‘ Or “Was he just evil?”

So much has happened. I will turn 40 years old this September… almost 40 years of questions, longing, disappointment and hurt. I am not sure I can just say “Yes, he is mentally ill,” and let it be. I don’t believe that to be the 100% truth. I have to state the truth that lies in the deepest corners of my heart. My father was a very mean man. A person that took pleasure inflicting pain, in causing fear in helpless beings that he was given to love. He is a narassit. I know that is a disorder in itself yet I do not think it is an excuse.

The things he has done over his life time and this is not the physical abuse but rather emotional and pschcological is unforgiveable. (Unless he asked for forgiveness). He would choose to do hurtful things and gain pleasure out of it. He would systematically break down the self esteem of the ones he was suppose to love in order to prop himself up higher.

These are things that I have chosen to make excuses about yet can not any more. I have to face the truth. My father can never love me the way I need to be loved. I will only continue to face disappointment if I continue to look for that love that is not available.

WoW. I realize that as much as I have been gripping about my crappy childhood, begrudging that lack of a fatherly relationship that I have missed the biggest blessing. I have missed the fact that I was saved. I could have inherited that trait of becoming a narristtist too!

My middle brother is so much like my father, it is scary. He is and has always been my father’s clone. Many of these things are simply bad choices. Yet regardless, he is going down a very similar path.

I need to be grateful for the life I have and the blessing that are there. Blessings, I am realizing are also hurts. Hurts that have made me the person I am today. Learning to go through pain, feel the hurt, work out the confusion, regardless of HOW MANY years that takes, makes you grow. Finding what to do with the growth is also moving on and part of healing.

Acknowledging that my father will never be what I yearn for is a huge step for me. I have always made excuses for him. I have even pushed him away, trying to forget him, to give him that space to hopefully miss me and want a relationship. It isn’t going to happen. I realize that God is looking out for him. He is fed, clothed and has a place to live. God has it covered and so I do not need to worry. This is something I can’t fix. I have to let go.

My father is a very mean man. He is a very selfish and self-centered man. He was given a second chance at life, literally last summer and has chosen to continue to be the person he is. He did not make anything of the chances he had to renew relationships with me or his grandchildren.

Maybe that is part of the sickness. Maybe that is just him. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful that his contribution was having a part in my being. I am grateful for the qualities that he contributed to me as a person. I am grateful. But I am tired of hoping and wanting. I am ready to let go. I am ready to be grateful for that which is in my life… all the love, affection, and happiness. I am tired of wanting. I am grateful that I am not him. I am thankful for the powers I have been given to seek help when it is needed. To understand that I need to make changes in me also. That is part of growing and healing. That is part… a huge part of break a vicious cycle.

Soul Misery… it is the worst kind of misery. But thankfully you can chose to not dwell in it. You can chose to remove misery from your life. It is a process… I am still figuring it out. It is work. But I do believe it can be done. I want to be Soul- full.

A definition of a narcissist:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following[1]:
*has a grandiose sense of self-importance
*is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
*believes that he or she is “special” and unique
*requires excessive admiration
*has a sense of entitlement
*is interpersonally exploitative
*lacks empathy
*is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
*shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

We went to a creek in Port Hope (where Sanj does a clinic on Wenesdays). We eat lunch and then the boys just played. I loved watching them. There are only 5 of the boys here. Jordan was at a friend’s playing.

The boys caught many crayfish and minnows. We also came back with a LOT of mosquito bites! It was a great summer day!

This child of mine hates haircuts. Yet his hair only grows upward!
Thank God for shears!

After 2 months… our house is SOLD!!! I have never been more relieved. I am not going to miss that panic feeling of knowing I have to get the house ready for a showing. I will not miss having strangers walking through our house… maybe judging or just being nosey. I will not miss wondering if there really is a sucker for every house.

I am thankful for our friend and agent for his diligence and hard work. Now let’s go shopping! House shopping with the cards in our pocket… hopefully.

13 years ago I became a mom for the first time. It has been a life changing experience. Sammy has made me a parent of a teenager today. I am scared! I remember turning 13! Someone asked Sammy today…”Do you feel different?” He replied, “Yes!”
He is so cute. I love him so much. He is so full of energy and a constant force of motion. He is a loving big brother and idealized by his younger siblings.

He is gifted in so many ways. He is creative, athletic, smart and knows how to be a great friend. He is sensitive and kind.
He is growing into a great young man. I can’t wait to see what this year brings for him.
Happy Birthday Sammy! You are a special blessing to me. I pray that God keeps you safe. I pray that you continue to grow into a wonderful man and have a life filled with lots of love, happiness and wonderful memories!
I love you!

Today was our annual Rhema beach day at Sandy Beach. Our school gets done a week before everyone else so we hit the beach before it is packed. It is always a great day. This year though, we need parkas… or at least firewood! Brrrrr…. it was a bit cool and very breezy. But it did not stop the boys… they had a great time. It was a great start to summer! Now bring back that summer weather!

This is my 3 year old with an attitude! Josh has learned “I hate you.” He doesn’t hesitate to use that phase. It is extremely frustrating because despite the punishment, he does not bend. If he is not sorry … he will not say so till he is good and ready. Then you know it is heartfelt.

As you can see, he was in an “I hate you” moment. If looks could kill, I would have been finished!

This is Sammy and Zachary asleep together. I love it. Zachary loves sleeping with Sammy. They chat, listen to the radio and later than sooner fall asleep. Picture Perfect!

I was forever wishing I was gifted with SOMETHING! Everyone around me could either sing, dance, draw, play at sport, the list goes on. I was not a person with talents. I hated that about myself.

In high school, I was one credit short in FIne Arts. I usually took Choir, even though I could not sing because it was the easiest way to fulfill those credit requirements. Well my last year, there was only 4 people that signed up for choir and they could sing. So they became a quartet. What was i going to do?

Well the music teacher told me he was in need of a bass drum player. Hum…I was waiting for him to let me know how this was going to help me out. Well he thought I was teachable. “It’s easy,” he said. What he probably didn’t realize is that I really did not have ANY rthythm.

I loved being part of the band. I had always wanted to play the flute and never had the chance. I loved being part of something.
Well soon it was apparent I wasn’t cut out for the bass drum, either. My band director literally conducted the whole band with one hand and me with his other hand.

I passed but it was based on his generosity.

No special gifts or talents. I could barely draw stick people… playing Pictionary was a challenge all on its own. Sports? Did I tell you I was the kids who was always picked last in P.E. followed by groaning and rolling eyes? I didn’t want to be on their team either. I hated P.E. Again, nothing.

The typical answer I would get from my friends was but you are so loving and giving. You are so creative. Hum… that is like telling an ugly person that they have a good personality.

This was a fact of my life that I lived with for years. I was dishearten. Why had God not given my at least ONE gift?

It took years for my to learn that my gifts were different. I did have a good personality. (well most of the time). I am still trying to figure out some of my gifts but mine are not the norm.

Did you know that being loving is a gift? Or creativity is a gift? Hospitality? Generousity? Seeing the glass half full is a gift?
Energy? Excitement? All these are gifts. Faith is a gift. I didn’t know that. I have many gifts, some have grown over the last years, some have taken a back seat. Some gifts have been nurtured by people in my life.

I have many gifts. I have learned to acknowledge that I am not the norm. I can’t sing, play the drums, dance or even catch a ball with much grace. But I can be a great friend. I can get you excited or scared about something. I can welcome you into my home. I can do many other things.

I have had to accept that as much as I would like to be like everyone… I do sing 6th alto. I have had to learn that I am out of the box. AND it is OK. God made me this way for a reason. Liking myself has been a very long journey, one that I am still on.
But different can be cool. Unique is not so bad a thing.

When I started to accept myself, it was amazing to see thing from a whole new window. That is huge. How can I expect others to like me when I didn’t like me? I know it is something said for decades but I realized it to be true. I was giving out vibes that said…”Don’t look at me, I am not worth it.” And then that is how I was treated.

When I realized I am OK… everyone suddenly seemed to agree.

Talents and gifts. Think out of your box… you have plenty…. it is a great discovery. Just start searching!

Today is my dad’s birthday. He is a man whose life was one full of contradictions. It was confusing growing up with him. As a little girl, I remember great birthdays, great cakes, creative tiaras, gifts and happy memories. Then when I was 8 years old, birthday parties stopped becoming a pleasant thing.

My father explained that if we were to celebrate birthdays, wouldn’t Jesus have mentioned birthday celebrations in the Bible? Thus this was not an acceptable thing in our house. Really the reason had to do with money. There was always a lack of it in our house and I suppose maybe he just found banishing the celebration was an easier way to deal with it.

For many years our birthday were not acknowledged by my father. My mom found strength to contradict his decison and had birthday parties or small ways to celebrate with gifts. My father would always disappear on the day of our birthday. He would be gone all day only to reappear once we were asleep. Yet despite that fact that he was not physically there, his absence was obvious on our birthday. I don’t think it ever felt really right.

Usually children remember a specific birthday or birthdays when they did something really special. Sammy often talks about the year it was a pirate theme… and we had everything from walk the plank to a treasure hunt. Or Tyler remembers the birthday we had the reptile zoo come into the school for his birthday. The birthday I remember most was my dad’s 50th birthday.

I remember everything about it. It was a surprise party after church… we had lunch, there were friends over, a cake, a banner, and yet most of all I remember my dad’s smile. His laughter and happiness were perfect for that moment. It is a moment that is frozen in my memories, He wore a light blue (probably polyester) three piece suit. I can see his tie, his hair is combed back and he is animated and alive.

My mom is smiling too. Maybe it is because his happiness is contagious or maybe we are safe for the moment.

My dad opens his gift from my mom. It is a video camera. Remember the big ones that rested on your shoulders? The camera become an extension of my dad. From that moment, he was the camera man. Maybe he liked that fact that he was hidden behind it. I don’t know. But after that day, the camera went everywhere.

It was a great day. I don’t remember my brothers and myself alot in this memory. I know we were there and we were happy because HE was happy.

From that point on, it was always about him. He always got the best presents at Christmas or Father’s Day. Maybe we were trying to recapture that moment… that smile… that perfect feeling of everyone being happy and safe.

It is my dad’s birthday today. It is always a day filled with mixed emotions. Yet it is a day that is easier to let pass quietly.
Happy Birthday… Dad.

I have successfully gone one month without sugar. No desserts, ice cream, candy bars… no sweets. Don’t they say it takes 28 days to break a habit? Well I can tell you that isn’t really true. I still feel the need to think about my sugary friends… remember the taste of them… I miss them.

We went to the movies the other day and the boys had some Skittles. Josh was on my lap… his breath was Skittlicious. I kissed him… it was yummy. Sad, eh?

I am determined not let diabetes control my life. So I am trying to get control of it. I have learned to check my blood sugars myself. This is a accomplishment I am proud of. I am learning what foods effect me and how to keep my levels stable. I am learning to force myself to eat mini meals as so not to get shaky.

I am trying to take baby steps. I have a tendency to grab hold of a project and set unrealistic goals for myself. Then I wonder why I failed. Baby steps and allowing myself time to conquer it. I am trying to give myself permission to feel proud of each success and then move on to the next baby step.

1. Give up my sugary friends
2. Learn to take my blood sugars (Ok I was forced to do this at the diabetic clinic…)
3. Add a small amount of exercise in my day. I know that if I think that I am going to the gym for an hour… I will fail.
So baby steps… a walk 3-4 times a week. Then I hope to increase that to 5-6 times a week.
4. The gym will come.
5. Keep drinking water… eventually give up my Diet Coke. This is where I get my sweet fix from right now.

Baby Steps. Making myself feel the pleasure of the small accomplishments. A friend of mine told me that she needed to just know that at the end of the day she had done the best she could.

I like that. Did I do the best I could at the end of the day? Most day… yes.

Church was good today. I love church, at least until the sermon comes around (unless, of course it is my brother speaking). I love singing, the words are worship for me. Then when we sing the occasional hymn, it takes me back to another time in my life. It is good to go back, sometimes.

Today was a family church, where we all stay in the santuary, instead of the kids leaving after praise to go to their various classes. The theme was about The Potter. They brought in a potter who showed us it worked. She gave the kids some clay to play with afterwards. The boys loved it. Clay is not easy to get off whatever it gets on.

The last 2 songs were ones the kids got noise makers and instruments and sang with. The kids loved it. I thought, “This is what church is suppose to be like.” This is where God is smiling down on us. The kids were being kids … moving and making noise as the sang… as they worshipped. I loved it.

I love church. I hate the effort it takes to get there. There is another force ALWAYS at work while we are getting ready. Sanj was on the praise team… so he left early. As he passes our sunroom, he notices water on the floor. He calls me and lets me know, as he leaves. It is not a little water. It was flooded. One of the windows was ajar and it must have rained really hard last night. I was splashing around as I moved the furniture to sop up the water. I was not a happy person on my way to church.

Then I had the battle with Zach over what shoes he could wear. Sammy couldn’t find any pants to wear. Jordan was walking around with a towel. Then there was Tyler, mopping about whether he would be able to golf later in the day. Then I have to walk into church and smile, say “Good Morning” to the cheerful greeters at the door.

I love church. I get fed most of the time. But why is it so hard? Is it this hard for other families? I think that Satan knows my buttons to push. The button is clearly marked “CHURCH”.