Living Loving Breathing Boys

I went to my coaching session today. I feel so good. I realized that my love for my dad can be unconditional. I can love him and desire nothing in return (because I know on earth it isn’t going to happen). I am free to love him. I am freeing myself of anger and all that comes with yearning.

I am at the place loving him is OK with no more expectations. I am releasing myself of guilt and worry. I know what will work for me and what won’t. I have been given the strength to see these things though. I feel safe, strong and am finding the peace. It is OK for me to simply love him and yet be unattached.

I also have realized that finding strength, seeking it is also a gift or blessing. It isn’t easy to remove yourself from what is known, and place yourself in the unknown. I am so grateful to God for putting people, my doctor, my husband, my friends and my brother in my life to keep me seeking and searching for that peace.

This is an something my doctor wrote:
“In the past week especially I have been exposed to so much pain,both in myself and especially all around me, mostly in my medical practice, that my eyes have been opened to the fact that pain is a universal human condition. No matter how anyone presents themselves, I have come to see that each and every human being is in pain all the time….. this was new to me!
I think I assumed that many people were feeling fine most of the time, and I believe I have discovered a secret which is a universal truth… it is not so! Most humans are usually in pain, to some degree or other.
If this is so, for me, this changes everything!
If pain is normal, and we stop resisting that, and accept it, stop longing for and scratching for, and believing that is our due to be out of pain, everything about life gets a lot easier to bear I think.
For if pain is normal, then what is to be my response to that?
Love is the balm, the salve, for that universal pain, I think.
As a Christian, being a channel of His peace and love, a branch of the Vine, then it is obvious to me that I am here on this planet to simply act as his agent to allow His love to flow through me!
Simple?
No, for me, it is profound!
See, yesterday I was at Warkworth correctional institute. A patient of mine has ended up there. His crime occurred because he didn’t have the courage to tell me, his physician, or his wife, about the deep dark things going on inside of him. He knew he should, and he knew that if he did, he might have been able to obtain help,but the reason he chose not was that he feared losing the love of those dear to him,if he revealed the deep dark pain within him. So he bottled up the dark stuff, and he ended up committing a major crime.
His worst fear, however, did not come true.
His wife did not abandon him, and neither did some of his friends and family.
Sitting with him yesterday in the beautiful visiting courtyard area, now a few years after he committed the crime,we had such an amazing talk. He told me that he doesn’t feel worthy of the love of friends and family. I told him,”None of us are worthy of each other’s love,yet love is all we have to give each other, and it’s the only thing that will soothe the pain,so I choose to be here, and I choose to love you. All of us are in pain, most of the time, none of us are worthy, we have all thought, said, or done horrible things to each other. Some of us have been caught and some of us haven’t. I loved you before, I love you now, and I will always love you.”
We talked some more about the commonality of the human condition of misery and pain and talked about listening to each other’s pain, as listening is the other great gift we can offer each other as suffering human beings on this planet. At the end of it all, we gave each other a huge hug, and agreed to see each other again soon.
He told me that he had been considering just “shutting down” and going off into a little world of his own to deal with the relentless of the pain he carries, but that I had brought to his attention another way of dealing with it to consider. He could choose to accept the pain of everything, and then choose to agree to join in and become a part of the solution to the universal pain of us all, rather than resist it, flee it, or just sit and numb it.”

This just made me stop feeling sorry for myself and appreciate the tools God has place in my life to learn to live, deal and accept pain that comes with life. Some of the pain heals, some of it becomes numb, and some does go away yet leaves you changed.

It makes me stop and give thanks for all the baby steps I have successfully taken, even the ones when I fell many times, but always had help getting up.

I also have realized that pain and heart ache are blessings too. Weird? If I had not experienced many heart aches, I would not be able to feel others pains in the way I can. And because this pain is universal it is a ministry of sorts. It (the pain) has strengthened me as a person in every way. It has made me realize that I do not want to ever live life as a victim but rather a surviver.

Pain is universal. But as long as there is love and a shoulder to cry on, it really is bearable. So comes the other gifts of love and friendship. They go hand in hand with pain. I feel great. I feel free and light. I can love unconditional even those that hurt me or cause me fear. Yet I can remain unattached.

They always say that envy is the green eye monster. OK I am not sure if that is the actual saying or not but it is one of my Reema-isms, as Sanj is fond of calling them. I had this huge moment today. Literally, it was a moment. I am lucky. That was my moment… I AM LUCKY!

One of my girlfriend’s life has always been charmed. At least in my eyes. Her life has been “easy” for lack of a better word. She never had money worries, she had parents she could always count on, life never presented her with any “major” issues. This was something I was always very jealous of. I always told her she had a lucky streak… a charmed life.

My brother, Kumar, is another person that has had a pretty charmed life. Of course he had the same crazy life but he was popular in high school, had girlfriends and opportunities came his way. Not regular opportunities either. Now I can’t say I was as jealous of my brother simply because he worked hard for the things he got.

Charmed people. Then there are the people that seem to be down on their “luck” constantly. Is it fair? I have struggled with that question for years. Fairness. Here on this side of the globe life is good despite our circumstances. Then I think of the other side… starvation, sicknesses (that we have cures and vaccinations for), or simply drinking water… these are struggles… every day. I think of the babies crying from hunger and the mother’s hearts listening to the cry. Just writing this makes me feel so sad.

Is it fair? Nope. Guess that really sums up sin. SIN… not God’s fault … I want to say not my fault either… Wait till I get my hands on EVE! All the things I have complained about is really just life here. My coach said to me today… “everyone has pain.” I never thought of it that way. Maybe pains on different levels but pains and hurt. EVERYBODY… some are just better at covering it up.

Today I realized I was Lucky. Life is good. Aw, sure it would be better if…. but for the most part, it is good. If you have people who love you, unconditionally and people or even one person to listen to you… it is all good.

I love that definition of lucky! Then when I realize I am lucky I see it in so many areas.

Our house sold in 2 months. There are so many houses for sale…for a long time. We found a house! The price was right.
We have working vehicles… (despite my van being a piece of junk… thanks GM). We are all healthy. No major illnesses. (Though as I write this some of the boys are feeling off). We have love. Despite the everyday bickering that occurs… I love my boys with all my heart. Those words are just not adequate, really. Then there is Sanj. Not only do I love him with indescribable love, what is greater is his love that I can feel and see. WOW! That is luck!

OK… lucky isn’t the best word. Blessed. When I am looking at someone else, it really does seem lucky or charmed. But today I know better. Blessed. It is a great feeling. It doesn’t mean perfection. It doesn’t mean there aren’t issues or worries, it isn’t perfect. But blessed is having someone to share the stresses. Blessed is having a friend to share it all with. Blessed is KNOWING 100% that you are loved. It is knowing if you died today, you will be missed.

I am lucky. I am blessed. I am loved. I am lucky.

Today Sanj and Tyler were at a father/son golf tournament. I decided to take our remaining 5 + the 3 other kiddies we adopted this weekend to the Toronto Zoo. It was a great day. I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of pride. I love my children, each one of them so much.

It was great because there was just a few minor complaints among themselves, otherwise with the added kids, it was wonderful!
Everyone got along. We were at one of those stops off the highway to grab lunch. It was very busy and it took a while to get our order. A lady came up to us and said, “I just couldn’t walk away without telling you how well behaved this group of children are. You just don’ t see that very often, especially with so many kids.”

As I was driving to the zoo, I was flooded with pride and love for my children. They really are good kids. They drive me nuts more times than they don’t. Often I forget to see the bigger picture. Usually I am too busy telling them, “don’t do that!” or “stop that!” How often do I tell them how proud I am of them?

We were at the splash pad, some of the kids were changing and Sammy was holding Josh. It was so lovely to see Josh just smooch Sammy a BIG one! It was even better to see Sammy’s 13 year old grin!

What a blessing it is to be a parent. I realize those blessing come in small little blips of time. I usually miss them if I am not looking for them. Sometimes I even take those blessings for granted. I love when we are driving and my kid sitting in the front seat will hold my hand while driving. I LOVE THAT! They never pull their hand away… and hang on till I have to let go.

I love that snuggle in the morning in my bed. I love how they go back to sleep. It is just such a reassuring feeling … that little/or not so little body beside you.

I just love my children. I hope that they feel my pride and love even when I forget to verbalize it.

As we were on our way to the Zoo this morning, the God/Jesus conversation was occurring again.
I just hear a bit of it…
Zach was talking to his buddy Jake … “Is Jesus white???”

I didn’t hear the answer…

The boys were nit picking about foolishness as usual. Max, who is becoming my little smart mouth, with a comment for everything his brothers say… was at it again. I said something along the lines of … what would Jesus do?

Josh (3): I don’t like Jesus.

Zach (6): Josh, you should love Jesus.

Josh: I love God.

Zach: Josh, you know that Guy you like…(God) that is Jesus’ son.

Josh: I still love God.

Max: You know that God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are all one person.

Zach: The Holy Spirit?

As an almost 40 something, I know this world is not perfect and many times sucks. The ones that usually suffer is the children. Our house is always open to the boys and their friends. Yesterday was Tyler’s birthday and so he invited one of his friends to spend the day and night with him.

Now the friend that he picked, isn’t one of the boys I would have picked to come over for that length of time. Jimbob (no that is not his name) is a child that is not parented. His mom is busy with her social life and trying to be “hip” like her teenage daughter.

Jimbob called here at 11p.m. and asked to speak to Tyler! My heart stopped for a second wondering who died? Is Tyler ever awake at 11p.m. most nights? NO!

The kid has 2 earrings (God I sound like my mother) and KNOWs too much about stuff. He has a girlfriend and is now Facebook all the time. Did I mention that he is 11 years old?

Actually, what I do care about is my kid. I can’t very well say to Tyler “stay way from Jimbob.” I know that isn’t going to work especially when they spend 8 hours of school together. I feel sorry for this child. He is often left anywhere he is wanted. It is almost 3 p.m. I can not reach his mother … nor have I spoken to her. His grandmother dropped him off yesterday morning.

I am wondering if he is here to stay. OK… I know this isn’t Christlike and normally I wouldn’t care. I suppose I am bothered by the mother’s lack of mothering. I am bothered that she doesn’t have the courtesy to call and see what I had planned today.

This weekend we are adding 3 more children to the family. Good friends who often take our children are having a getaway.
I needed the day to simply regroup. My cleaning lady didn’t come today either. Maybe that is why I am off… cleaning does it to me all the time.

OK… God, please give me a servant’s heart. Bless this child (protect my child from ungodly influences) and help us to be more Christlike all the time. Not just with the easy ones… help me to remember that you love this family as much as mine.

I love TLC. I love the shows about flipping homes, real estate shows and cooking shows. One of my favorites is Clean Sweep! It always fascinates me, people that have NO SHAME. I realize we all have a room that may be a “catch all.” But when their is full of nasties and pure filth, I am always so embarrassed that people have no qualms to show all of America.

My other favorite is “What Not To Wear.” I love Clinton. I find Stacey annoying but love her style. I would agree to dress really bad just to get on. I am dying for Nick to give me a style. (OK I realize I am assuming I don’t dress bad… all the time). 🙂

I have learned many things from watching it. No mini skirts after 35 years old, especially the mini minis. Mom jeans… they just make you look bad! Why do they make them anyways? If not certain, stick to a straight cut all the way down. It elongates you!
Do I sound like I could have my own show?

OK, here is a big one! If a shirt is pulling apart at the buttons all the way down…UMMMMMM it is too small. I know we all hate to go up to the next size. It is amazing how a size number can rule emotions. I love Old Navy because I am a size 6 there!!!

When buttons are pulling apart, it is unattractive. There is no nice way to say it. You look bigger and draw attention to where you don’t want the attention! It is better to get the bigger size to fit the biggest part of you and then have it tailored.

Really, we don’t want to know what panties you are wearing.

Double breasted jackets and huge shoulder pads… a thing of the past. I love the rule that if you wore a certain fashion once, you shouldn’t wear it the second time around! Sorry, no more leg warmers!

This is not my stuff… I am just passing the word on.

I remember waiting and waiting till Sammy could fit into size 3 months clothing. He was such a tiny babe. I couldn’t wait for him to grow big enough for dress him up.

I couldn’t wait for us to have the perfect house. That looked like a house on property with a pool, lots of property and all the toys. The boys would never be bored.

I can’t wait till they are all out of car seats, or can do their own laundry. How great it will be for them to cook and clean after themselves.

We went and saw Indiana Jones today to Tyler’s birthday. There was a line that I wish I could remember but paraphrasing badly it said… there is never the such a thing as the perfect time.

Often we wait for the perfect time to have children, or go on vacation or can’t wait for that perfect moment. But will it be perfect?

When I am just doing laundry for 2 people or myself, will it be perfect? I am pretty sure it will suck. I am sure I will miss cooking for a busload of boys. I can’t imagine missing the ridiculous amount of laundry I do now… but I am sure I will. It means they will be gone.

I am trying to enjoy now. Not 2 years from now when going to Disney will be perfect timing because Josh will be 5 years old.
I would rather go to the beach tomorrow and enjoy what is now.

I have realized that I don’t want my life to be controlled by projects… such as right now it feels like life will be great after the move. I know it will but… I don’t want to miss this summer with the boys either. I don’t want to skip the 2 months of memories we can make only to be fixated on the future. The future isn’t promised to us, only today.

Sanj and I were talking about the endless nights where there is not enough room for us on our KING SIZE bed. Yet I know that is only a moment in the big picture. I know we need to be there for our children when they need us now. Soon they won’t be coming to us so willing.

I need to learn to focus and appreciate today. Did I do the best I could today? Was I a good mom today? Or at least an OK mom? What kind of wife was I?

I am only promised today. Today is the perfect time, isn’t it?

What I love about having my family is starting from scratch. The past is the past. I can do things that I always wanted. Traditions. I love hearing about other family traditions. It is something that sets your family apart from others. So traditions are often done is many families.

I know many families buy their children new pajamas for Christmas Eve. I love to try and find matching ones if possible. But with each passing year that is getting difficult.

The first day of school, I always have a little something. The last day of school they get a book or Dairy Queen.

When they turn 10 years old, each son takes a special trip with Sanj for the weekend.

After SK graduation you get your first watch.

East Side Mario’s is our family restaurant of choice. They know us there from our weekly visits. They are welcoming and accommodating. This is where we celebrate our birthday dinners. Tradition has had it that the birthday person gets a pie in there face! Despite the fact that we have done this for a couple of years… the birthday person is giddy with the anticipation!

Traditions… they make families special. I love putting our own special stamp on our family with our traditions.

This is a picture of my sister-in-law being a good sport on her Birthday while here for a visit this past spring!

OK this is a bit unusual. This is a missing person message to a Miss Lindsay H. who worked at Sanj’s clinic.
If you are being help captive and need rescuing from the evil Bigheaded Mr. H. Just write back.

If you are OK… and just want to be left alone.. you can write me at my email. I’ll save you from the old fogies bothering you.

I did mention to Sanj that maybe you want to be left alone!!!

He seems to doubt it. So really this is a plea to just let us know you haven’t been gobbled up by the big-headed wolf (altho i know he is vegetarian)!

Hope you are well. And hope to hear from you soon!

Matthew TYLER Sukumaran will be 12 big ones tomorrow! He was 7lbs 9 ozs… my biggest baby. He is my gentle giant. Most of the time he has a heart of gold. He is sensitive to the point that when you punish one of his brothers, he is so hurt and angry for them. He is passionate about his passions… golf, hockey, footballs. I am so glad girls is not on that list yet!

I believe Tyler has the gift to see into a person’s heart rather than looks. I love that about him. He is a great big brother and well as a great tormentor.

He has the greatest laugh and is so ticklish.. he can’t stand the thought of a tickle!

He is generous and thoughtful. One year he bought me a bracelet with his own money! I loved it! Another year, he bought Sanj a hockey stick!

Knowing that we would be awoken before dawn with excitement, we gave him gifts tonight. He is in heaven. Sunglasses, golf shirts, a putter (that is a blog unto itself), and a mini putting green to use in his room.

Notice the shoes he is wearing with his cool outfit! (He is forever stealing my crocs)!
Also notice that in our house, you are never to young to learn!

Tyler, I love you with all my heart. You are a special young man who will do wonderful things in the lives of all the people you touch. Have a wonderful birthday Tyty!

I have to admit I was very scared about the idea of having a life coach. I thought it was kind of foo-foo and not something I could see as having a positive influence on me. Well once again, I shouldn’t judge before I have given something a fair chance.
Now I must say that my doctor is truly gifted and knows when to push and when to let go. She believes in me and my ability to conquer my “soul misery” and live life fully.

I love that she is a strong Christian and yet very out of the box. Her methods are different then any thing I have tried and most have worked for me. The one I did not try … was because I was a chicken. Sometimes I groan inwardly when she asks me to draw something… as I see it. I am not an artisitc person so that always freaks me out. Yet once I draw or even scribble my feelings on what ever she has asked me to, it makes perfect sense.

What I like about coaching is I have the feelings and answers with in me. She is just asking, prodding and coaxing them out of me. Sometimes she asks me something I never asked myself and then wonder why I have not questioned the most obvious things.

I like that she is not telling me how to feel or what to do. She asked me why I feel feel the way I do with many things especially in relation to my parents and middle brother. Usually the answer is always guilt or obligation.

She made me realize that I DON’T have to have any one in my life out of duty if their behavior is destructive or I feel unsafe. Rajiv is the middle child in our family. He has always been a corky child. Then after high school he began his journey down the wrong way. I am not sure if he could even help it. The things he chose to do and then brag about was always scary.

Normal people do not think to do such things… ever. And continuing to do things that are destructive is an illness. Yet it was/is never his fault. Weird how it took me SO MANY years of enabling him to realize we were not helping.

After a encounter with him in Tennessee last summer while my dad was supposedly dying, I left feeling very violated by him and scared. He had become my father in ever sense of the word. I left TN fearing for my safety and that of my children.

The law will not help unless something happened here. Threatening e-mails did not count. I refuse to live in fear any longer. No one has the right to lay a hand on me EVER AGAIN. So I had to make a choice.

My coach reassured me that no one who makes me feel unsafe has a right in my life. Brother or not. He has never been an easy person to like and love is a word that is too big to tackle. I have always helped or had him in my life because I felt sorry for him.

Yet there is help if he so chooses. He so often would say I am not going to take meds, God is going to help me. Or the issues always lay with everyone else.

No one has the right to make me feel unsafe. I have let go of my brother having an active part in my life. I say active because I can’t help but think of him and pray for him. But he will never have a relationship with my children. No one has the right to hurt the innocent.

Coaching is helping me redefine what is acceptable. God is giving me the strength to live thru my resolutions. It is the hardest thing… to let go of family. It is so hard to break a cycle of what seemed normal and to realize what IS normal.

It is 7:30 a.m. and Sanj is calling me. It is summer time, I don’t need to get up! Oh yah, downstairs in our family room are a bunch of boys sprawled everywhere. Sammy is having a sleep-over. It is his birthday party a bit late. I need to run to the grocery store before Sanj leaves for work.

I get to the store just as it opens. It is so quiet and peaceful. All the items on the shelves look so neat and fresh. There are no line ups. There is hardly any noise.

I wish I was a morning person. I would get up while the sun is coming up. I would drink my coffee and inhale the silence.
I would shower in peace with no one banging on the door. Then I would make a great breakfast. Fresh banana muffins… the smell of eggs and bacon … fresh cut fruit… everything laid out ready for my family.

I am sure I would have put a couple of loads of laundry away. My day would be off to a great start.

I am not a morning person. I tumble out of bed, annoyed at the bothersome voices bugging me for breakfast. My eyes were not made to open so abruptly. Is breakfast really necessary? The most important meal of the day? THAT fact was made by a morning person.

Cereal and milk… oh have a banana, too. Will that tie you over for a bit? PLEASE? I want to lay on the couch just a few more minutes. Josh is saying, “No, don’t close your eyes!” My day has begun.

I wish there was a pill that I could take to function better in the morning. It seems the world is made for morning people. Why can’t school start at 10 a.m.? Who started the 9-5 foolishness? To bad breakfast could not be at 10 o’clock at night.

I better get going as I have a bunch of extra mouths waiting for a yummy breakfast this morning.

Gotcha! No I am not pregnant again! But lately I have been feeling like I have been carrying that extra 30 lbs around again.

Josh is CONSTANTLY on me. I am constantly being touched. I make dinner with 30lbs + attached to my leg. I go to bed with him touch my neck. He wants to be carried and held all the time. He is a very loving child. He is always ready to shower me with kisses or hugs.

I am ready to CUT THE CORD! Hum… preschool might just be a thought! I love him to death. I don’t mind the constant attention or need for it 90% of the time. But that 10% is getting bothersome.

What do I do? He is regressing a bit. Suddenly he WANTS to be a baby. He actually asked for a baba again (a bottle).

Did I mention I love him so much?

Maybe the key is an extended vacation for myself! Actually that sounds like a great solution!

My mom called yesterday to tell me that my father is not eating or talking his medication. Basically he is on strike. He mentioned that when he came to visit me last year that I said ” Dad, you are welcome here anytime.” That is NOT something I would EVER say. It is not the truth. Being around my Dad or any form of contact requires me to prepare emotionally and physically.

It is a good thing that this last coaching session was spent on what boundaries I need and want in relationship to him. I realized that last summer when he was “on his death bed” I went to the intention of burying him. I had such a feeling of relief. It is not that I wish him dead in a murderous rage kind of way, but rather because I long for peace for my dad and myself.

When we had to make the decison to “pull the plug” as a family, the only one NOT crying was me. I wondered what was wrong with myself… I even tried for some fake tears but there was none. I only felt relief.

My dad suffers from mental illness. Peace will only come to him at death. I long for him to be whole in heaven. I long for a relationship with him that is not ruled by fear of any kind.

So my father is not eating. He complained that I do not call him. Obviously he does not see it as a two way street. On the times I did call him (my heart pounding the whole time), all he talked about was Rajiv ( my middle brother) and the path he is choosing and how worried he is for him.

Never once did he ask about the kids or their interests. Or far be it, anything about me. He does not know a thing about me or my life. This was his umpteen chance I gave him. His last chance. I am ready to accept that nothing will change. He can not love me as my father the way I need to be loved.

I have made the decisions I need to make. These are the steps to release me from the guilty of being a daughter. I have decided that I am not going to his funeral. There is nothing I will benefit from being there. I know (from our last trip) that their will be bunch of people singing my dad’s praises. What a devoted man of the community he is, even received an award for the gardens he does in the neighborhood.

The police were his buddies, even the ones that came to deal with Rajiv, when he lost is mind. They even visited him in the hospital. His whole building was praying for him and his recovery. His church anointed him and prayed for healing.

Why would I want to be at the funeral with people talking about a man I never knew? I am not going to his funeral. My goodbyes have been said one too many times.

I needed to let my brother and mother know. I know my brother would understand. I am willing to help with the cost of cremating him. I just can not be there. My mom was surprising O.K. with it. (that is what she says).

My father is trying again to manipulate us. How many times has he told my mom if you leave or don’t come back I will kill myself. Or I will drink cyanide. He is used to being the master puppeteer. He moves the strings the way he wants us to move.

When he dies, it is his time. Maybe it will be his choice or maybe it won’t. He has lived a long life. Maybe that is all I can say about his life. He gave life to 3 children. His legacy will hopefully die with him. My brother Rajiv still has time to seek help and change.

My father is refusing to eat. I am refusing to to have my strings pulled anymore.

Today for some reason I was thinking of this guy in university that I dated. I was thinking about my life and all the things I have always wanted since I was young. I have craved stability, happiness and peace since I was little. Yet I think the biggest thing I yearned for was love.

I am not sure I would say I would fall into love easily because I really only fell in love twice. Thankfully the second time was a charm.

This guy was someone I wanted to believe that I would spend the rest of my life with. I fought many obstacles just to be with him. Yet really, he was a loser. He let me walk away, twice.

I was devastated. I wanted, waited and prayed that he would see the error of his ways and beg me back. I BEGGED God! I begged that this would be His will.

I remember the broken heart I carried. I hated that I was so sad and he did not seem to care. When I read my journal over this time period it makes me a little sick. Sick from the pain and sick from the longing.

Then Sanj and I saw each other in a different light. I fell in love for real. Real love is reciprocated. My past relationship was so one sided. The desires of my heart were coming alive. I just knew, even back then, that life with Sanj was going to be good. It has not been easy because we have gone through many valleys. But we have gone thru them together and become stronger as a couple.

Back to thinking about the ex, I was imaging how different my life would have been if I had married him. I don’t think he would have been a great provider of all the things I needed… stability, security and loving me the way I need to be loved. The scary thing is I was ready to settle for less with him simply because I wanted it to work.

O.K. here again is where God KNEW better than me and despite my begging and pleading He did not give in. Simply because He knew better especially since I did not want to admit how wrong this would be. God did hear my prayers… the important ones about a happy family, wanting to be loved, being a mom… all the big stuff and knew I just had to wait for the right “one” to come along.

One of my friends wrote in the comments… about how much we are like children and God our Father. He is so patient with my childish faith and behavior. I am humbled again at the plan that He has and His patience in dealing with my impatient nature of “Hurry up God…”

I am so glad that I waited. Really it was only a short bit and Sanj was in the picture the whole time. We just didn’t know. Despite all of life’s stresses, I have never been short on LOVE. I know I am always secure in our relationship. And together we work at continuing to secure the future for ourselves and the boys.

Another prayer answered. I continue to pray that God guards our marriage and our love. I pray that it does grow each year we are together. I have so many adventures and wishes I want to have in the future. I can’t imagine a better person doing it with then the one who holds my heart.

Josh is 3 and a bit. Lately I have found myself referring to him as the baby… OK he is not a baby. He is 3 years old, 35 pounds and gives Zach competition for his clothes. So I am wondering is he always going to be a baby? Will he be treated younger because he is my “baby?”

Then I see other people with their “baby” and think… “OK that child is too old to be having his food cut up or whatever.” I hear people saying “My baby is 58 years old.”

The boys continue to treat him like a baby which of means giving in to him or his obnoxious behavior. I keep thinking once he is 4 years old it will be different. Will it? I wonder if I will be in his JK class helping him hang up his coat, put his indoor shoes on, etc.

I have never been here before. I always knew I would have another baby. Now another baby would put me in the looney bin at the hospital.

Josh is the baby. Or is he?

My son Tyler is a passionate child. I guess another word is obsessive child. Since the age of 2 years old I can remember his obsessions clearly… as do others. First there was the love for elephants, then triceratops, then tools… tools continued for a while.

He loved green and at one point verbalized wishing he was a different skin color. Of course I was stressed wondering how I was going to explain that all of us are made different by God. Dreading the answer, I asked him what color he wished he was… fully expecting him to say white. “I wish I could be green!” was his reply!

Then came the love for football, hockey and golf. Golf, I do believe is higher on the list. So he spends much of his day at the course. Last year he would sign up for tournaments at different clubs yet the morning of …. he would be sick or call home with a golf injury.

Last night he was up most of the night. He came and said he was sick. Then at some ungodly hour asked if he could take a shower. It was about 4 a.m. I said to do whatever he needed to feel better. As daylight came, he was pretty sure he was getting a fever.

Well this was all related to the tournament today that HE had signed up. It was at a course that he had not played at and there was only a couple of kids from his club going. I called Sanj to let him know what was going on. Sanj told me to let him know he can stay home if that is what he needed to do.

On the ride there I was explaining to him that is naturally for him to be nervous. That is why his stomach hurt and he felt sick. I said, “It is o.k. for you to say that you are scared.” We had to stop at our golf club to pick something up. Tyler went in and came back a different person. Curtis, the pro for the Juniors, was going. Tyler loves him.

It was all O.K. Sanj asked him later tonight if he was nervous today. He finally said yes. Sanj also told him he gets nervous too.

I want so badly for him to learn that it is O.K. to be anxious. This is part of who he is. Yet it would be wonderful for him to understand and recognize the feelings and be able to verbalize it. Then we can learn together strategies to make it through the moment or day.

I never want him to view it as a weakness. I think it is a characteristic that makes him more understanding and empathic towards others. It would be great to be able to say “I am scared” without feeling vulnerable.

I felt today we made a baby step. There will soon be another tournament or hockey camp will be here. I hope that today is a step in the direction of understanding the feelings and soon being able to call it by its name. How great it would be if I didn’t have to guess whether a fever is really coming… do I give him an Advil?

September 15th this will be our home! I am so excited I can’t wait! It has so much of what I want in a home. My doctor/life coach told me to make of list of all the things I want in a house. Then visualize it and then ask God for it.

I have to be honest… I thought “OK I did see an Oprah show on visualizing your dreams etc and putting it out there with positive energies. I am not sure this is going to work for me.” Of course, then my doctor made me write the list right there. Here is some of my list:

6 bedrooms
open basement (preferably unfinished)
acreage
15 minutes or less to school
under a certain $ amount
bright… lots of windows
flat piece of land for a rink
big kitchen
modern
i didn’t have a wrap around porch on my list…. but have always wanted one…
family room to be off the kitchen (our house now the kitchen is off and away from the rest of the house).

This house has 4 bedrooms upstairs… 2 in the basement that need to be finished as well as a very open (with windows) basement! It is on 4 and a half acres with place for a rink as well as back woods for ATVs etc. It is 15 minutes to town and full of light and windows. Yes, there is a beautiful wrap around porch. Do you know how i know this house is for us… the bathroom has a LAUNDRY SHOOT!!! (you know my laundry issues)! The kitchen isn’t huge but there is a pantry closed off the kitchen. OH… and the garage… my VAN can fit !!! It has an oversize door! There is an office/hide out for Sanj for his music and studies.

I am so thankful for a God in control of it all. I am so thankful for blessings and yes even the trials. I am thankful for the prayers of friends and family. I am thankful.

Now… let the packing begin!

My first three sons are totally opposites of each other. I can’t imagine life without them yet life with them is challenging to say the least. Back in my day as a child I think that children were labeled good or bad. Smart or in the turtle reading group. I am not sure there was the need to label children or “fix them.” I think that we were just loved and accepted as we were. Maybe our parents did not have all the resources we do now.

I am sure as a child I would have been labeled ADHD, with dyslexia and other learning challenges. I am sure I was labeled to some degree. I was in the resource room for reading (which made my undiagnosed dyslexia make sense). My teacher had a ruler and he would smack our knuckles when we got some answer wrong or were not following along (ADHA).

Erk! As I have watched the teachers in the Resource Room at the boys school, thank God times have changed.

There are many different kinds of children in the school. If I were to label some of the kids I know terms I did not when I was a child. They were just kids being bad. Now I have learned of children that have Asberger’s Syndrome, or a child that has dyspraxia, or suffers from childhood bipolar or someone who is ADHD. Children today have the advantage of too much information and yet not enough.

I think labeling a disorder is great. It allows for understanding and educating. It hopefully prevents unfair labels and hopefully gives some peace to a parent to help them know and learn what their child is living with.

Maybe when I was little there really were no bad kids… just misunderstood. I have learned so much seeing some of my friends learn to love the child despite the disorder. I have learned not to be so quick to judge a parent that is unable to manage their child. I have learned to support rather than criticize. I have learned to educate my self and my children. To teach acceptance and tolerance.

Robin is a young lady that was born with Down’s Syndrome. She was a teacher’s helper in our grade 1 class. The first 4 of my children had Robin in their class. They just loved her and accepted her. I love that they did not care or notice any differences.

They have learned this in their classrooms too. Each of them are different. Some may be louder, some more physical, some taller, some great hockey players, some pranksters… they are all different.

They seem to learn to notice differences when taught or watching it. Usually they wouldn’t describe someone by their skin color but rather a feature or clothing. “Did you see that man with the mullet?” Did you see that lady in the purple shirt?”

I love it. I love the lesson they teach me everyday. Sammy is ADHD… Tyler is obsessive compulsive and has anxiety issues, Jordan is ODD… I want to badly not be careful not to label them but rather love them and just accept them.

It has also taught me so much about the love of a parent. I am left humbled by the endless research, resources, patience and love I see around me. One mom said,” no I don’t wish my son did not have _________ because he would not be him then.”

What a great statement. That is what love is all about… loving the good, bad and ugly.