Living Loving Breathing Boys

This week was the Science Fair. 3/5 of my scholars had projects. The two older ones participated due to the fact that it was mandatory. Then there is my Zachary… my grade 1 child. He signs up for the science club!

I tried bribery to get him to reconsider. He was thrilled to be part of the science fair.

So… Project 1 was What is the best why to put out a grease fire… co2 and baking soda were involved.
This didn’t require much from me as far as the actually experiment… (thank you Voskamps) as Sammy went there and experimented there. This simply required nagging and more nagging and finally me coming down after 10 p.m. on the last night and helping glue and cut. Hum… I did offer many times before.

Project 2 was Tyler’s experiment about which glue is stronger… hot glue, white glue, wood glue or crazy glue.
Sanj and Tyler made this level system and used the different glues. Then a day or so later, they put different measurements of weights to see which would come apart first.
Any guesses? Hot glue was the worst, it snapped with the weight of almost nothing. Then crazy glue was next. The stronger glue as white glue which held out almost as long as wood glue… which only snapped when Sanj stood on it.

Project 3 was paper airplanes… make different airplanes and see if one flew better or farther then others. I have become a expert paper airplane maker thanks to the Klutz Paper Airplane book! (Thanks Janice)! Zach loved the whole thing… especially watching me grow frustrated with each failed airplane!

SO… who says once you graduate you are done school? If you have kids, you start all over again!

I went to Costco with Josh this morning. I had a few things to get and didn’t stray too much from my list (that doesn’t happen too often)!

We were in the check out line and I saw a lady I have seen around town. She has 3 boys and was taken by the fact that I had 6 boys. I don’t know where we first saw each other but greet each other when we do.

She was in line ahead of me… her three sons in the cart. The oldest is 5, then 4 years old and the baby was 2 years old.
They were getting anxioius to get out of there cart. People are looking, the teller is making facial expressions I have seen too often… she asks the mom… “Are they all yours? “

The mom says yes… and the teller continues “or do you get paid to do this?”
People are looking … the teller is still acting out.

I smile. I wonder what the teller would say if she knew I had 6 sons. She comments on Josh… “Today must be busy children day…’

As I wait for the exit person to check my reciept… I feel like I should ask this mom if she want to get together sometime.
OK God, are you telling me to do this? If she is there, where I can see her in the parking lot, I will stop.

As I get outside I scan the busy lot… nope… not in sight.

Then I get to my lane where we are parked. She is there… 2 cars away.

Hum.

I stop … we chat. Would you like to get together sometime?
She smiles… we chat and I give her phone number. I write on a McD french fry baggy.
I learn that she is a single mom with her three lovely boys.

I wonder if she will call.

Last night was quite a evening. It was full of “discussing” behaviors and attitudes of my older cherubs. It was full of taking away privileges and defining what a privilege is.

It was not a good night. Nothing matter much to my son except his friends. When Facebook and phones are taken away… you are out of the loop. That sucks and matters to a 13 year old.

Well as Sammy and I were “chatting loudly” he says… ” Mommy! I am just trying to make you NORMALER!”

No I didn’t laugh outright but was defused.

Me… Normal? I have been called many things but never normal!

I used to wish to be normal…. but only recently in the last year realized that is never going to happen. I am OK with that. It took someone to call me quirky to wake me up. I did not think that was a compliment. I was actually kind of offended. Sanj says, you are different. You are not like everyone else. Hum… I am special.

I am o.k. with that.

Normal… my poor son is in for a rude awakening. There is nothing normal about me or our family.

Oh dear…

My dear children have inherited horrid teeth. Sanj and I both had years of orthodontics to help our smiles. So it is no surprise that the boys… all follow suit.

Tyler has the craziest teeth ever! If you were taking a hike in his mouth you would have to do some serious navigation as there is certainly no straight path!

Yesterday was the big day… Braces! My boy has been a trooper. He was very anxious initially and did a great job being brave.

His beautiful smile is only going to break more hearts! Oye…

Motherhood… usually you hear all the joys of it. The occasional sob story… and then the usual complaint about laundry, lunches and all the annoyances of life.

Yesterday I wondered why I never hear of motherhood equated to a dishrag, used, wrung out and hung to dry.
.

I am a mother to my children. This is all I have ever wanted was to just get it right. ( I didn’t say perfect…) I expect nothing… thanks and hugs are bonuses. Manners are demanded. Aside from that … not much else.

I always thought that I would have children that confided in me. I have worked hard to build trust and lead by example.

I always wondered if one of the boys had a crush on a girl (well even a boy…) they would shared their thoughts with me.
I always thought that we would do the journey of teenage years together.

I was wrong. I am not even allowed in that vehicle much less invited to go on the journey.

I get it. NO MOMS ALLOWED. Sanj was like this. HE was very private with his thoughts. I can’t remember actually sharing mine with my parents but I never hid it.

I guess I just thought if I did it right (at least the way I think is right) I would be there with them.
Some parents get this. Obviously this is not my privilege.

I hate that I can not do anything right. “Do you want me to help you with your Science project?”
“No… I got it.
At 10 p.m. I am in bed… ready to release all the stresses of the evening… I hear ” Mom, could you help me glue this?”

I know… I am first the parent. But it sucks to always be wrong or offensive even when you are thinking you are not.

So as I get my hugs from Josh, my “I love you” from Zach, my “Thank you, Mommy” from Max, my hug and kiss from Jordan (only at bedtime), and my “Thanks Mom, I love you” from Tyler… I am grateful for the non- moody moments that pass in the 24 hour period from my dearly loved oldest.

Infliction of the hormones must suck. Yet deep down I must settle for knowing that I CAN buy a smile with a wanted spring jacket… lol. I must settle in knowing that I have spent the last 13 years loving this child/young man as hard as I can. I have done the best I have known how. And when I have messed up, I have said the hard ‘I am sorry.”

I have the hope that the infliction is a passing thing… in a few years I am told it will be replaced with the budding of a fine young man.

And as each day passes… I get promises from the young ones that as THEY come to the ages of raging hormones… they WILL love their mom. They will smother me with hugs and juicy details of their hearts. Yah Right!

As the mother of a teenager, I feel like a dishrag… useful to clean up messes then left wrung out and laid to dry… till the next situation arises.

I am so whooped!

This is our little puppy… her name is little Bala. I am not sure if that name will stay… as Josh really want to name her Indie. 🙂

She is about 5 weeks old. We saw her when she was a day old. This weekend we will get to see her romping around the yard. She is the smaller one of the litter yet beats up her siblings! She should fit in just fine! 🙂

The boys are in love. They all want one ( each a different one) from the litter of 6 pups. Yikes!

Can’t wait to bring her home.

Yah… yah… I know all the stories already.

She will come home later April, I believe.

Puppy love… you can see where that comes from.

On Friday my dad came for a visit.

Yes, my dad… He came and spent the day here.

I gave the boys the choice to have lunch with him or not.. We went to our usual spot, East Side Marios.
We then came to my house and hung out for a bit.

It was all good. No expectations resulted in me being good with everything.

I have wondered why God bought my dad back from the dead literally.
Have wondered why God just didn’t take him. He was almost there.

Maybe because of all this. Maybe I will never have a Daddy here… but I have found peace and acceptance.

Maybe my dad isn’t going to change but maybe God is giving me a chance to change.
I have had help (through coaching etc) to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a Daddy.
I have had help (through God’s grace) to come to terms that only I suffer from the rage and anger.
I have had help (through others God has placed in my life) to realize that I must love the ones that are with me… not the ones I wish were with me.

Friday… it was good, It was what it was. I said “call me when you are in town again, Dad.”
God is good. God is…

I am so thankful for this time to be a better me.

It is Sunday morning, 9:32 a.m. It is rainy and grey outside. Perfect!

After a busy day yesterday, I am looking forward to having a day home.

There is a dozen baskets of clothes waiting to be put away (my mom was here and did laundry).
There are a couple of science projects to finish.
There is a book that I am in the middle of …

A day home.

Happy Rainy Sunday!

How I love this boy of mine! With each passing day, I see the beautiful gift that he is.
Today Joshua Daniel is FOUR YEARS OLD!
He is a truly beautiful child.
He believes that life is all about him.

When he climb up on our bed… he believes that the middle spot is HIS! It doesn’t matter who else is there.
He believes that the love in our family is all about HIM.
He knows that if there is a problem, any one of his brothers can FIX it!
He trusts the love.

Even when he is mad, he trust the love.
How beautiful is that?

He is a boy all his own. He loves GUNS! He loves fighting and shooting. He loves bad guys and good guys.
He loves Indiana Jones. He loves Agent 99 (Get Smart). He loves Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers. He loves army guys.

He loves vegetables and fruits. He loves me saying “You are so healthy!”
He loves his cowboys boots.

He loves clothes… especially suits, vests and ties.
He is not a tee-shirt kind of guy.
He loves bras… hehe… much to Sanj’s chagrin.
He loves to walk around in my heels.

Josh is a child that is a gift. He will be greatness. Well he is greatness already.
He is a bundle of joy and pain all in one. He is full of love and yet can exhaust the most energetic of the bunch.
He is as yummy as jelly beans… His favorite candy.

Joshua Daniel Sukumaran … I love you!
Happy Birthday My Yummy Jellybean!

I have been writing for me. Lately I have been writing yet wondering what others would think if I wrote xyz.

Today Max was home (still not sure if it is really pink eye,,,) and we were chilling on the bed while Josh napped.

We were making silly videos. This is one that just had me laughing. I hope it makes you laugh too.

Yes, I know I am weird.

I just don’t want to lose me in this blog… it is meant to be real. I am a “what you see is what you get” kinda person.

You gotta comment on this! LOL!

I have blogged numerous times about my parents. Their relationship can be summed up in one word… odd.

Well really it can’t be summed up with even a 1000 words.

Abusive, confusing, disappointment, controlling, moments, fear, sadness, stressful, battered, loud, together, married, attached,
separated, apart, connected, security, weird…

My mom is coming for a visit. My dad is coming to visit my brother. They both are coming to Toronto. My mom is coming from Baltimore. My dad is coming from Tennessee.

My mom offers to help my dad get to Toronto. He meets her in Baltimore. They fly together to Buffalo. Then they take a bus to Toronto. Together.

Is this weird?

Have you ever had those moments when all you can do is LOL? LAUGH OUT LOUD? Or else you may just start to cry and never stop?

Living life with 6 boys is a constant choice of LOL or CRY AND NEVER STOP. I had to take this picture and post it because it is the kind of thing that can only happen here.

I am not sure what made me look up… but as I was on the john I saw this…

Yes… this is a picture of wads of toilet papers stuck on my bathroom ceiling. Huge spit wads… I am guessing…

If you look at the highest point in our foyer (which is 2 stories high) you will see darts stuck on the wall. I believe this was an attempt to pop balloons that had floated up.

I found a shot glass filled with pee… just sitting there. I am sure this was Josh’s doing as he was fascinated with the shot glass.

One of my kids has a fascination of craving into wood… usually the name of his sibling… belying who really did it.

This list goes on… I am going to try to document it as I see a BOY SIGHTING such as this picture. A sight that screams BOYS BOYS BOYS! A sight that makes you LOL.

A sight that makes you pause… and appreciate that boy wonder that is so beautiful and so out of my zone.

I love this picture. I didn’t really appreciate it as it is still stuck to my bathroom roof till I remember to take a ladder and scrape it off. Yet I love the spirit of impulsiveness and the giggles that probably accompanied it.

Oye! I should really write this on my to do list.

LOL – a gift that should be treasured when your child blesses you with that moment.

Today was the first day back to school after March Break. It was quiet. it was calm. Despite the chore of lunches and the usually morning chaos… I had time to just be! Josh seemed to understand this and was calm too.

We had nothing special planned over the break. Just took it one day at a time. We saw some movies, did some shopping, had friends over, got some rooms better organized and ended the week by going to Toronto to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

My boys could live at that place. HOCKEY… apparently when I say they live it, breathe it, sleep it… this is a literal thing.
They had a great time. They ate up the history of the sport and its larger than life players.

I was bored. I looked for a lounge but apparently this was not thought of in the planning of the place. The shopping was limited to hockey… I had to restrain myself. 🙂

As I was thinking of the time over the March break… I realize that I set my self up every time. I love being with my boys. I love planning things that create memories for our family. Yet I am always left a bit (sometimes a lot) disappointed with the bickering and nattering that happens. it over takes the pleasantness that was imagined in my mind.

I want them to love each other and enjoy each other. Yes, they do this in small doses yet seldom does it happen as a brotherhood of the six of them. It makes me unhappy to be in this state with them on what is suppose to be a happy vacation time.

What I realized today is that I take it personally. The fact that they are not loving and always getting along makes my attack my parenting skills. If I was doing something better… they would act better. It seems ridiculous to assume that I would ever parent perfectly… thus I suppose that it seems ridiculous to expect my sons to be “picture perfect.”

Oh what a drop back to reality. I can hardly expect more than I can do myself.

So I will take the week to get back to routine… catch up on laundry, finish a few projects and head back to the gym.

I will continue to better myself as a person and parent. I hope to lead through example. Living and Loving as a parent is not an easy task. Living and Loving as brothers… not as easy task.

Having the opportunity to live and love as a family… painful, frustrating, exhausting, ( I really do not need to go on… right) yet one of my most cherished blessings.

Last night I took the boys to see Race to Witch MountainIt was a good movie. The boys liked it. Nothing like action and fighting “bad guys” to keep their attention.

I promised Sanj this time to work on his homework. I am a little tired of being the wife of a doctoral student. It has put a crimp in my social life. I think that when he gets his doctorate, I should get an honorary one, at least!

We went to dinner with friends on Tuesday night. We eat at an old mansion… the Burnham mansion. Apparently there is a ghost that resides there. Martha, I think, was her name. I am a big chicken. I don’t like to know this kind of stuff. I am glad I only found out at the end of dinner. Apparently many of the staff have had encounters with her. Menus and wine glasses are “pushed” off their spot. I was a little freaked out. Yet it was overall a nice night to reconnect with friends and have dinner with my hubby.

I love the fact that my children are not scared of the dark. Sammy and Tyler slept in their “new” rooms in the basement. NO night lights needed. Me, on the other hand, must have some light on. When Sanj is away, half our house is light up. I am a big chicken.

I am so frustrated and annoyed! My hotmail account has been hacked into and I cannot get into it.
A letter saying something to the effect of I am stranded in England… and need a loan to get home of $2500.

If you have got this email… it is not me. Obviously. I don’t write or talk like that.

I have lost my addresses… so if you are one of my friends, please email me @ sukreema@hotmail.com

I am so FRUSTRATED!

We went to church today. I had hoped I would feel something dynamic. I really just wondered why I was here. Guilt, duty, wondering if my conscious needed to be cleansed? I didn’t really feel anything. I grew up in the church. We live in a bubble where if you are not church going it seems you are cast in the “not saved” category.

Do I really care? Not really. I just want to do what I right. I want to obey God. I feel church on in so many places. It used to be that the boys school was church. We went to a funeral a few weeks ago, that was church. Listening to Sanj play the piano while I am in bed squished with all the little bodies I love most is church.

I am tired of “shopping” for church. I wish it was all just simple. What am I looking for? Something different. I don’t want to settle. I want to feel “church.” That doesn’t have to happen in a building.

Church should happen every day, shouldn’t it? I find church in the gym, wondering at the questions my fairy believing friend tosses out there. I am being pushed to ask questions that I have never been asked. I am wondering how do you share the faith of a invisible God who I trust completely (well most of the time…) . How do you answer the if there is a God why does He allow unbearable pain? Faith… how do you teach it or pass it on or explain it?

I was thinking of the second coming… something I have learned from a babe. Jesus is coming. The time of trouble is upon us. We will need to run to the hills… we will be persecuted. The Mark of the Beast…

Today as I sat in church… I wondered about the emotions that those that don’t believe would feel as the Christ makes His way from heaven.

I don’t wonder if I will be ready. I used to worry about it all the time. Growing up, I always felt that I had to DO something to get to heaven… you know, read and pray every day, avoiding sinning… really just being perfect. I really believe that heaven is for all God’s children. He has children that just don’t know it or are in denial. Yet they are true Christians… every day. God’s love is so great that it has me covered. I just need to believe and strive to live everyday knowing it could be my last.

I have so many questions. I have very few answers. But I am realizing that the bubble I was in for so long was a small bubble. I am a bit lost as I look around me… on the outside. I am only accountable to God… and my own conscious.

It began with church today. Just disappointed because I REALLY wanted something. I realize that what I am looking for… is all around me. It isn’t something I can find (only) at church. It is God. He is everywhere. I feel Him in the strangest places. I just have to be open to receiving “church” wherever I find it.

This is not to discourage church… it is a blessing to many and to me for many years. I am sure I will experience “church” at church someday again. It just wasn’t today.
As I read this back… it is a lot of rambling. I almost deleted the whole thing. But again… it is my thoughts… just writing… releasing.

Today is my mother-in-law’s birthday. We are going over for lunch. She is having a “party” for herself.

That made me feel bad. Usually I would be on top of it.

This lady has given me the best gift ever. Her son. He is no doubt the best thing that has happen to me.

I am indebted to her. (I got her a really good present)! 🙂

There are so many things I could say about having this lady in my life, for better or worse.
Yet, the biggest thing I have learned is to ask myself WWJD?

I have learned to ask hard questions and wondered how I would want to be treated… in years from now?
I have learned that mothers define themselves by their children. (Well some do).
I have learned that with the right thumb, you can have plants that thrive.
I have learned that Reader’s Digest can teach you so much.
I have learned that cards, the words, really do matter to some.
I have learned that once a teacher, always a teacher.
I have learned that eggplant can be a yummy dish.
I have learned that memories can carry you a long time.
I have learned that you become so much of your parent… you just can’t stop some things, especially genetics.
I have learned that you can change dislike to like and even love.
I have learned that love is really spoken in different languages.
I have learned that time with the one you love is the best gift of all.

So to my mother-in-law… I thank her… for all I have learned and continue to learn. I thank her for Sanj and being part of another family that adds a whole new dimension to my life.

Happy Birthday!

I like number seven in the list below.
My Favorites:

BOOKS: I cannot even attempt this because I read a lot. Different books and authors have touched me over the years.
When I was young, I loved the Ramona series! I related to her so much. I also really like Are You There God, It’s me Margaret… by Judy Blume. Actually I liked anything she wrote. I love romance. A quick read. The Shopaholic Series made me laugh. Too much of me in that girl. (Didn’t like the movie as much, though).
As I grew I have really enjoyed a book that educates me (without me knowing it) such as Kite Runner or A Thousand Splendid Suns. I don’t really care what the book is, as long as it takes me away. Oh, I loved Slumdog Millionaire.

WORDS: I love words. I really am a wordolgists. I would do it so different. I would have words simply make sense. Boneolgist instead of a orthopedic doctor or surgeon. I would NEVER spell pneumonia with a “P!” The english language is so ridiculous. No wonder it is one of the hardest languages to learn.

Is there really the need for antonyms and synonyms?

Yet my favorite word of all time is OBNOXIOUSNESS. If you know me, I have no doubt called you that. I love the word discombobulated. Serendipity is such a pretty word… sounds romantic, if a word can be that. Just a few of my favorite words.

PLACES: I love a great malll. I love a great store. I love book stores. (See a pattern)? OK, I love Sanj’s office. I like a good old fashion ice cream parlor. I love warm places… such as Costa Rica, Honduras, Hawaii. I really like New York… though I really haven’t been there. I love my bed. Is that a place? I also like our family room. (It needs new sofas though to make it as comfy as my imagination).

THINGS: I love my laptop. It is a Mac Air… I love the look and feel of it. I love new clothes, especially a new white shirt. I love my cell phone. (This fulfills my need for immediate gratification). I love my camera.

These are a few of my favorites… of course I could keep adding or changing. But what comes to mind first is probably most accurate.

I have missed writing. I am not sure why I haven’t written. I have plenty to say… (no surprise there…). But I have missed that dance that my fingers do with the keyboard. I have missed letting thoughts flow.

I really yearn to write a book. But writing a novel has never been a goal. I am not a storyteller. It is such a talent… to tell a great story.

My husband has this gift. Long time ago, when we were in university, he told me a ridiculous story/not really a story about the Northern Guinea Pig. It is a very long speal. I actually can’t remember anything about it… but was secretly thrilled that he was talking to me on the phone for such a period of time. It was after this little encounter that I discovered he was a great bull-pooper.

How I love him for all those crazy traits. I also love when I KNOW I am RIGHT about a fact and HE is WRONG! Of course that doesn’t happen very often. He IS the one working on his doctorate and I am the one whining about some of my children inheriting my genes.

Genes… what a scary thing. I am reading this book called Still Alice about this Harvard professor that has early onset Alzheimer’s disease. It is an amazingly written book that has had me thinking of my grandmother who had it and lived with it for over 20 years. Will my mom get it? Will I ? It makes you walk in that person’s shoes. It has kept me wake thinking of the many horrid diseases that leave you helpless… especially ALS or Alzheimer. No, I don’t wish any kind of illness, but I think that it is easier to be able to do something or fight somehow.

These are thoughts that are coming from reading this book. I will definitely need a light read after this.

It is Spring Break! Actually I like the term March Break then there is no disappointment when this -15 degrees Celsius hits.
We are relaxing (as much as boys can relax). We will do a day in Toronto… hit the Hockey Hall of Fame, CN Tower and ride a street car.

Maybe we will get a bit a of skiing in, weather permitting.

It is a break. We so needed a break. This time change has been brutal. We will watch movies and just hang out.

I am going to buy an elliptical. Sanj is a 100% against it. He says look in the ads… you will see “gently used exercise equipment.” Yes, I know this to be true. But I also feel that I will use it. The days/weeks I can’t get to the gym like this week coming… I can do cardio at home. We’ll see.

I feel better. Writing. It is a part of me. It is like I have been holding my breath. Aw… there is the release.
I realize I am just rambling. But it still feels good.