Living Loving Breathing Boys

I fell off the wagon. No not drinking or smoking but rather eating. It is an addiction.

It is the best way to comfort myself.

Carbs, candy or chocolate. Oh, well ice cream, Cadbury Easter eggs with the yummy yoke in the middle… french toast, pancakes with lots of syrup and butter… and my ultimate favorite… birthday cake! (Sobey’s has a GREAT cake)!

OK, you get the picture.

I was listening to a Quit Smoking ad and realized that is me. Just with food.

So I have begun again. I have given up carbs and sugar for lent. Well it is that time, so why not?

I have been doing well. Not cheating. Not even going there.

I bought the boys’ basketball team timbits after the game… I admit… I sniffed them. Oh…

I kissed Josh after he had a few.

But I didn’t actually partake.

Really it is a sickness.

More than losing weight and being success at it, I want to find discipline.

I know everyone deals with this to some degree, but most people can put their mind to it and succeed.

I also want to look as fabulous as my husband does (some 40 pounds later).

So, here I go again…

Traditions. I love traditions.

I love making up traditons that will be with us forever. Maybe passed on to the next generation.

So we make them up as time goes by.

The most anticipated is the 10 year trip. When each boy turns 10 years old, they plan a trip with Sanj. Just the two of them.
It is a great time. It is special. It is a right of passage, so to speak, into the double digits.

Sanj and my 10 year old hang out, usually fit in a NHL game, a little deep sea fishing … each child is different.

So it is Jordan’s turn. He is actually 11 already, but hey… he is 10 at heart! 🙂

They went to Tampa. Each child is so different when they are one on one. Makes me rethink the only child scenario. Too late.

I love how there isn’t jealousy. The older ones had their turn and great memories. The younger ones know their turn is coming. They talk about “when I am 10, I am going to …”

It is a great time to talk about life … treatment of others, women, growing up in general.
(No the sex talk doesn’t happen there… Sanj is too wimpy to have this conversation. So I do it before they go… then he has the follow up… whatever that means)! lol

So they are off… making wonderful memories, having that male bonding that will only grow each year.

Traditions… creating something special.

This picture was sent to me from them at a game.

I was watching Sammy’s hockey game this week with pride.

He is a wonderful sportsman. He is skilled, talented and unselfish in the game. He is confident yet not cocky.

Sammy is so matter of fact when he is on the ice.

Here is a boy that struggles in the academic world because he does not fit into the box.

I love what my friend Cindy said, “why do we keep trying to fit triangles, rectangles, circles, and ovals into a sqaure box?

Yet despite that fact, we still are in boxes when at school.

He knows he is a differnt shape. We can say all the right things to him, yet ultimately, he is still not a box.
If you are not a box, you are different. Most of us at this age do not want to be different.

I really hope that Sammy sees his athletic ability as the gift that it is. I know he doesn’t because it is so natural to him.

He sees the game. He is great at passing the puck. He can set the puck up. He can score.

He is great at golf, basketball, volleyball, soccer… he is a natural athletic.

He is a beautiful child with energy flowing, well actually overflowing.
He is full of potential to do great things.

I wonder what he sees when he looks in the mirror? Does he see that wonderful gift that I see?

I hope so.

I hope he understands that it is OK not to be a box. That this world is run by greatness that are triangles, circles and hexagons.

How great it is that God made us so unique. We weren’t meant to be the same. We weren’t meant to learn the same.
We were suppose to be different. We are to embrace with beauty of being unique.

I didn’t.

I could write a book on my youngest, Joshua. He is such a character. There are so many sides to his personality. Yet he is such a delight. He has love oozing out of him, if you are lucky enough to be a recipient of his love.

Of course I do realize that I can say this about each of my children. But because Josh is the youngest, I am able to relish each of his firsts, knowing they are the last.

Friday was Josh’s day to visit Junior Kindergarten. Everyone thought he was dressed up for school, not realizing that this is how he dresses, every day.

Overall, the visit could be labeled OK. Not too excited, stressed at bit, but nothing worth leaving his sidekick.

Ah… we have till September to see what changes by then.

Yesterday we took the boys to a friend’s place to play a game of hockey on the lake.

After getting the boys settled, I went with my friend to get a coffee from Tim Horton’s.

We are in a very small town. I am not sure there were other people of any pigmentation in their skin.

We are in line.

I hear behind me “Slum-dog Millionaire.”

I look behind (ready to engage in conversation about this book I read)…

Behind me are two (ignorant) men. They look right at me as they say this.

I turn around.

I don’t deal with this on a daily basis (thankfully). Actually, usually I forget I am darker than my peers, as I don’t even think about it. Until someone else brings it up. Then I remember I am different.

I could have said many things back to them. None of them would have been Christlike. But I didn’t want to bring myself that low.

It must be hard to be so ignorant.

Sometimes I forget I am a girl. Weird. I know. What I mean is being around boys all day, I find myself trying to think like they might or put myself in their shoes.

I do this alot. So much so that I realized that often I don’t like girls. I get mad at them and their ways.

Of course it is just kids being kids, but when it ends up being hurtful it causes my claws to come out.

Case and point: My oldest is friends with girls. They invite him to their youth groups or text him etc. It looks like they are into him(of course, this is cause for an increase in my heart rate).

Yet really they are friends with him because they are into his friend. They are trying to scope out information… “Does ____ like me?”

Yet I wonder how my child feels. I don’t think that being used is the right term. It is a natural cycle. Yet when it happens constantly… I can’t help but wonder… how does it make him feel, really, deep down inside?

Of course I am not into my 12 or 13 year old dating. A hockey mom was bragging about her 13 year old and his girlfriend. Yikes.
I want confidence for them and the realization that dating someone does not make you cooler or better.

But I remember wishing for a date or steady boyfriend around this age. I remember feeling less than because I wasn’t even kissed till after high school!

So can I shape their minds around this concept?

Should I even care or worry?

I can’t even process this as a girl… I can only feel the heart of my child…

Today, after school, I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store.

Sammy and Josh were home. I only had the middle 4 boys with me.

They know to behave. They are usually good in public. Today the tiles on floor became a play ground.
They were really rambunctious.

A lady looks at me and smiles with sympathy (I am assuming) and says…” Oh dear, Boys!”

I had no reply. The proof was in the pudding. I think I just grunted a reply or maybe I just made a sound.

There is such beauty in boys. There is wonderful excitement, energy and noise. It just follows them as they run around.

LIfe is a big playground. Objects, any objects are for swings, climbing and jumping off.

The louder the better. The rougher the greater the adventure. They can’t seem to help but touch everything and every one.
They can’t help but talk, tease and taunt. The object is to get a rise out of the nearest thing breathing.

They love to joke, trick and prank. They will pee wherever is convenient. And then brag about it.

They love to bounce off the walls. They love to chase each other with something disgusting.

The best part is that laughter that follows the boyish craze… if you have a boy in your life, you know the laugh…

It is a belly laugh, loud and full of delight. Victory. Total thrill of the kill.

Every mom, no matter how annoyed you are, can not help but smile. You can’t help it. Beauty. That smile. Music. That laughter.

Boys. Strange, wonderful, lovely yet odd creatures.

Oh how I love them. Oh how I love them most when they are still… content, snoring from a day of being boys.

I get the usual line from people.

It often was “Have you seen that show with the 16 kids?”

Now it is “So what do you think of the mom that gave birth to the 8 babies?”

In one word… CRAZY.

But hey, I am sure there are many thinking the same thing of me. Hey… there are many moments in a day when I know I am crazy!

I understand wanting babies. I understand wanting to be a mom. I also know that having 6 little ones… is overwhelming at times. There are many times I am doing the single mom thing while Sanj is at a meeting or whatever.

Yet, I do have a break. I can leave them with him and inhale sanity when I need it and vice versa.
I know that Sanj works his booty off so that we can provide the basics for the boys and then some.
This is what parents do.

Sane parents do not have expensive baby making procedures yet lack the resources to take care of them afterward.

I also believe that the doctor that implanted the embryos should be held liable.

I can only feel for the children. The six she does have are babes themselves. I can’t imagine the chaos that will accompany the babies when they come home.

How will the children with special needs be taken care of ?

I am sad for these children. I am not sure what this mother must feel but I am sad that her selfish decisions now impacts the little beings that she says she would stop living for.

It is unreal. Yet really the bigger issue is how would impregnate her… money or not? There has to be a number of rules broken, so to speak.

So my thoughts… a very sad story. I am not sure this will have a happy ending. Yet, these children are here now. Someone has to look out for them.

And yet I can’t help but think of Matthew 7:1, “Judge not that ye be not judged.”

The place that I was once fed, socially, emotionally and spiritually is gone.

Things have changed. Or maybe I have changed.

I have my “group” of friends, of course, but this isn’t about friends.

It is more about an environment, a retreat or a sense of belonging.

Really, it is all about my boys. It is their school. It is their happiness that matters.

I was just lucky that I was being fed too.

I have noticed that I have been reclusive, lately. I have been focusing on laundry a bit too much.
I have been making beds, thinking about dinner, maybe just going through a routine that is safe.

This may be normal for most “stay at home” moms but this is not me.

I feel like I am hiding out.

We do not live in town to just have people over. I am not even shopping unnecessarily. (Did I just say that)?

What am I waiting for? I feel like I have pressed the pause button on emotions.

May be it is just winter.

Maybe life really does go on while you are taking a time out.
Maybe I am not indispensable.
Maybe if I don’t call you to lunch, you keep going.

I thought maybe I would be missed.
Maybe it isn’t all about me. Hum… who would have thought?

Yesterday we took the boys downtown Toronto for the day.

We went to brunch at Marche. It was fun to watch them enjoy the feast.

My boy, Zachary, has the palate of a man. Steak, shrimp, sushi… big appetite for a little man!

Then we lined up to pay the bill. Ummm… it will be peanut butter sandwiches for the rest of the week!

We made our way to the Auto Show.

The older boys were very excited to check out the latest.

I was overwhelmed at how busy it was. It was a little panicky that we would lose one of the boys.
I felt like I was on a field trip. Stay close to your partner. There was a constant flow of prayers being sent upward to keep us from getting lost.

Then there was the junk stands… well this is what I call them. You know, all the vendors selling stuff that will end up on the floor of the car on the ride home.

Sammy was the only one that caved and bought these ridiculous pair of glasses. Apparently they are in… I told him to show me one person wearing them… well he shows me friends on Facebook.

OK.. what ever. Every child has to have their fashion nightmare picture. This child may just have more than one!

All in all it was a day that I enjoyed just being together. Next year, car show… I’ll skip and hop over to the Eaton’s Centre instead!

Josh is more times than not walking around with my ponytail tie on some part of him.

He falls asleep holding it or wearing it on his ear.

I am not sure what this is about. Maybe he just wants a piece of me with him.

He is a cutie pie yet a odd duck.

I used to be able to cry easily.

Sappy movies or commercials turned on my tap. I saw it as a weakness. I hated giving in to that emotion.

Yet, there really is nothing like a good cry. Follow it up with a great nap… it is a great release.

I can’t remember the last good cry I had.

I am due.

My stomach feels gurgly (probably from being around too many puking kids).

I have had a bad day over all.

Too many people in my life made me upset this week. Add tired, and laundry that isn’t going away… and I am at my ropes end.

Then there are stresses… life stresses.

Then I add a yucky situation that makes me sad.

Cry. I need a good cry.

I know I would feel better if I could.

The thing is, I don’t cry anymore. I feel the need and then swallow it. Usually I don’t have the time and energy it requires.

Is there a crying pill?

My tears are constipated, if you will and need to be released.

Maybe this is called the winter blues.

I am constantly trying to endorse healthier eating in our lives.

It is a constant struggle with life on the go. It is a constant battle with 8 different taste buds to contend with at every meal.

So I keep fighting the battle. One day at a time. One meal at a time.

I win some or I lose some.

My friend, Cindy had made this while I was visiting.

I made it for supper tonight, served with salad and veggies and dip.
It was a hit!
Thanks Cindy!

I used the Ezekiel Sprout Bread (from frozen)
spread pizza sauce on the bread (Cindy just spread ketchup)
add cheese.
I am sure you can add meat and veggies.. I just kept it simple to accommodate everyone’s taste buds.
Bake till cheese is melted and bread toasted.

It was delicious.

Today I had my first mammogram.

The one thing that kept going through my head was “wow, I am old.”

The other thing was wondering what I would look like without breast. Silly. I know. But nevertheless, this was my thought.

I did have a moment where I wondered if they squeeze too hard if my breast would rupture.

OK.. silliness. It was all fine. Discomfort… a few seconds and then done.

I would use the word pressure… but I remember that being the description in childbirth as the baby was crowning. Yum… that isn’t pressure! That is major pressure!

It was great to be able to use the new technology that has come to the Ptbo Breast Assessment Center. It was also great to know that monies earned from the Dragon Boat Festival that we participate in helped fund this.

Be safe… get checked out. Go for your squeeze!

Today… I am overwhelmed.
Nothing major… no need for therapy… yet maybe my little happy pill isn’t working.

Last night Zachary comes into my room… after throwing up all over his bed. Sick. They are dropping… yet one at a time.

Symptoms: Belly ache, feet ache (weird… yet each one had it) and vomitting.

Vomit: the act or process of ejecting the contents of the stomach through the mouth (thanks Websters).

I am not a person that has a strong stomach. The “process of ejecting the contents of the stomach” myself is hard enough to deal with. The act of being sympathetic towards another little person engaged in this activity and cleaning up after them is a little more than I can handle.

All I really want to yell is “Don’t miss the toilet… and then brush your teeth… please!”

So in the middle of the night I am cleaning up the contents of a stomach and trying to hold my own contents in!

Thus begins the day.

I have my first mammogram this morning. True be told … I am stressed. Will it hurt? What if they see something? Naked in front of a stranger??? (I am sure this is a blog all to it self).

Then I get a phone call last night and yet again this morning… a “friend” of mine wants me to go skiing.
Next week Wednesday is Ski Day for the boys at school. I have “tried” skiing. I am scared. I am scared to death of the ski lift. I am even more scared of others laughing at me. I am scared of breaking a bone. I am scared.

This “friend” is so persistent. She doesn’t understand this fear. Oh I know this fear is irrational. I have this fear of others groaning and moaning when I am up to bat (figuratively and literally).

Deep down I wish I could be one of those people zipping down this hill… looking ever so cool.
I am scared of what my friend will think of me once she realizes how uncoordinated I really am… how God forgot to pass any athletics to me when He was handing it out.

Yet maybe God put this dearly pain in the rump person in my life to challenge me. Boy does she challenge me! So here is another challenge. Can I overcome this fear?

Well I could go on… but what would be the point? I have complaints. But really as I think about the bigger picture… I am grateful for so much.

The icing on a day like today is that Grey’s Anatomy is on. At least I’ll end the day on a positive note… unless it is a show on breast cancer! Yikes… my husband’s pessimistic self is rubbing off!

Monday was Family Day!

We headed to Blue Mountain for the afternoon to get in some skiing.

It was a good time …
Suddenly my older boys are begging me not to take pictures.

Sammy: “You are like the paparazzi!”

Me: click… click …. click…

After the first few pictures, Sanj started to get annoyed with my picture taking.

He even went so far as to call me “Peter Dixit!” (That is my father… who really did hide from life behind his camera).

But I couldn’t help capture some of the things that intrigued me as we became part of the city for a short while.

This sign creeped me out! I always do look in my back seat anyway, but still…

If you don’t go to school, children, you may end up craving soap on the sidewalk!

This was our van for just an overnighter!

All is well that ended well.

The boys had a great time. Getting into the van, count down, then meltdown!

If you loved the movie… watching it year after year… you will love the musical.

It was great! The lady that played Julia Andrews did a fabulous job including sounding like her!

No one could replace Christopher Plummer and the guy that tried did a poor job. (That is the only thumbs down I have)!

The stage was phenomenal!

It was great!

It was a wonderful 24 hours!

We woke up to quiet. Well, actually, we awoke to a street car… dressed and went to eat at one of our favorite spots… The Roundtree (formerly known as the Marche).

Ummm… it is like going to a market of yummy food… cooked right in front of you. Whatever you want! It is a great spot.

Sanj (annoyingly) has lost 40 + pounds (thanks to some word called discipline). He has given up eating carbs for 6 weeks.
(Why bother living, right? I know)!

This weekend he broke the rule and ate.

This picture says it all….
The before… with no carbs….

The after picture… stuffing his face with delicious carbs including a Belgium waffle… shows the real story!

Sanj is a romantic at heart. He is creative and thoughtful. Valentines is just another day… and yes, we don’t need a specific day to show our love… but hey… it is here, so why not!

He got tickets for Sound of Music, arranged for the kids to spend the night at his brother’s… and we had 24 hours to ourselves.

My only task was to get a hotel room… which I began to do minutes before we were leaving… much to his chagrin. Oh relax… I got one! (phew)!

We dropped off the kids… and then got in a bit of shopping. My perfect way to start of anything!

Then we went to our favorite Thai restaurant in Toronto and enjoyed! Mango salad, spring rolls, curries, and our favorite to end things, mango with sticky rice!

Finally we checked into our hotel and relaxed.