Living Loving Breathing Boys

God’s in charge…

What a great show that would be! Remember that show… Charles in Charge?

Do you forget who’s in charge?

If you believe that God is in charge, life’s journey should be easier.

Yet, if you are like me… I often forget that to let go of the reins.

This was my life … for much of my childhood… I waited for that big life changing miracle… for my dad to become normal, my mom to become stronger and our home to be a happy one.

That never happened.  Instead, my dad lives his normal… not my normal but it doesn’t impact my daily life.  My mom became stronger in her own way.  Our home broke apart… and yet I found happiness.

While I begged God, during my childhood for us to be a happy family, He showed me how to learn from a painful childhood and still find happiness in my world.

I have to stop giving God specifics… of things I want.  Simply put… His Way… is ALWAYS better!

Max Lucado says, “It all works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out yet, then it’s not the end.”

I love this!  God has it all worked out.  I just need to trust and obey.  I just need to choose that God has my back.  I have to believe that His way is always much more fantastic then anything I could every dream of.

Crappy childhood?  Yes, it really does suck.  It has a lifelong impact … and yet that may not always be a bad thing.

I’ve learned so much from my childhood.  I believe that I am definitely a stronger, wiser, compassionate, empathic adult… having lived through a sad, abusive, sometimes scary childhood.

My challenge as a parent is to help my kids become all those things as a adult… without the drama and trauma of a crazy childhood.

Day 7 and Counting…

Here’s the thing… God really does give us just what we can handle!

A houseful of boys down with influenza would be trying to most.  Yet you add throw up… and I am pretty sure most would be sent over the edge.

Well, me, anyways.

Yesterday, at noon I had just laid down with Josh.  He was burning up and had just been drugged and needed to sleep.  Me, I just needed to be still for a minute.  Josh needed me to be beside him… he has this radar of when I walk away.

Then all of a sudden, he sat up and spewed forth all sorts of stinky liquids, on himself, me and my bed.  I just changed my sheets the day before.  I had no clean sheets left.  The blankets were gross too.  I smelled of that sharp putrid odor that can only come with vomit.

We both looked at each other.

I undressed him and stuck him with Zach, who was in the bath.
I stripped the sheets and blankets off.

I threw myself on my stinky bed and balled my eyes out.

I was tired.  I was going on little sleep from the night before… as each time I began to fall asleep, I’d hear my name or footsteps of one of my babes coming for medicine or me.

I was exhausted.

Sometimes a good cry is just what the doctor ordered.

So… as we continue to go through Tylenol, Advil, Gatorade, 7 -Up, Jello… Toast and more Toast…

God has been good to me.  I feel only slightly warm.  I only have a slight headache.  He is keeping me strong with strength to put the sheets in the wash.

He gave the endless love for my boys… to appreciate the needed snuggles.

He gave me just what I could handle.

Thank You, God, for understanding just what my shoulders can take.

Now… could you please me the boys all better… SOON…

Amen

It’s 10:52 p.m.  This is the first moment all day I have had with no one calling me or needing me.

All I hear is snoring.

Sanj is off sleeping with Jordan, hoping to avoid the bug.

Josh and Max, my two sickest are in bed with me.

They are burning up.

The meds don’t seem to be helping.

Lots of drinking… so we don’t have to deal with dehydration and the yucky IVs.

They are so little.  And so sick.  I thought I was burning up with a fever… until I left the bed and came down.  I think I am good.

Josh throw up a bucket load of soup.

On my bed.

And on me.

Sigh.

He keeps gagging.  I sit up with a start.  I don’t think he even has anything in his poor little belly.

Oh… the house is so still.

I know I should go to bed… but I have to admit that I am relishing the stillness.

I hope they all get better soon.

I hope that I don’t get whatever it is that is floating in the air.

Sammy is on day 5.

Max is wickedly sick.  His eyes look horrible.  His voice is gone.

Josh has eyes that are burning him and they keep running.

I laid on my bed and held him.

I can’t imagine my life without them…

They do drive me nuts.

They have bad aim and pee on the seat.  The floor.  Sometimes on the wall.

They are hungry all the time.

They are loud.

They are messy.

I can’t imagine my life without them.

6 is my perfect number.

xoxo my sweet little ones.

Have you ever had a child you don’t know how to parent?

This is my 6th child…

Josh.

He is a hard one.  He believes the world revolves around his needs and wants.

That is one the benefits or drawbacks of being the youngest of 6.

He knows how to work everyone.

He has this dynamic personality that his brothers just can’t resist.

He has no real fears and yet he has the most unrealistic fears.

When I reprimand him or punish him, he is so offended.  He will argue and be angry at me that I dare punish him.  He will argue back… and let me know just why I am wrong or why he had to do what he did.

He is so offended.

Then there Josh when he is in public…

He seems to have no social awareness or fear.

We were at the movies, we were early.  I was on the phone taking a call about the security system at Sanj’s office.  Josh was chattering with the person a few rows down.  I heard her say, “Just a minute and I WILL sit down.”

I looked at Josh… and then at her… “Did you just tell her to sit down?”

I was appalled.  None of my other kids would have ever talked to a stranger or thought to talk back.  Yet my Josh had no qualms about doing so.

I recognized the lady… and apolized for my son’s behavior.

Then I proceeded to reprimand Josh and explain that he was being rude.

He looked at me and said, “But she wouldn’t sit down and I couldn’t’ see.”

We were at the Swish Cleaning Co. and I was picking up some things.  Josh had to go to the bathroom.  I told the lady we’d be back.  Upon returning, the lady was busy helping another customer.

Josh was so offended.  “We were here first,” he says in a not so quiet voice.

I explained that we left and so the other person was being helped.

Josh was not impressed.

Later, we were at Shopper’s Drug Mart… waiting in line to pay.  Suddenly it hit met that I forgot the item that I had come in for.  I told Josh to come, we had to go get something else.  I didn’t really pay attention to his reply (which was “I’ll wait in line”) becasue he hardly ever leaves me side.

I went to look for the item needed and then realized that Josh wasn’t glued to me.

“Josh, where are you?” I called.

“I’m over here,” he replied.

He was standing in line, holding our spot in line.  There was no way he was going to give up his place in line.

I have to admit, it made me want to laugh, it was so comical watching this little guy determined not to be jilted of his spot in line, again.

I never had a child like this.

He has no social fears, it seems.

He is so head strong.

He wears me out.

How do I parent this child?

Happy Family Day!

Yes, it is a made up holiday but I love a do nothing day.  The boys slept in except Josh, who had legos in my bed and was playing beside me, every once in a while, asking me when we were going to get up because it was morning out.

Sammy has the flu.  He is burning up. He is hallucinating a bit.  Last night he woke me up and said he couldn’t breathe.  This scared me as it was 3 am and I was alone with the kids.  When my Sammy is sick, he is very sucky.  I’d almost cut off my arm then have him sick.  So I didn’t take the breathe thing seriously.  A couple of Advils and he was asleep.  I will take him tomorrow to make sure he doesn’t have pneumonia.  I will also be praying really hard that the others do not get it.

I am allergic to myself.  I didn’t realize that the lotion I put on, one that has a yummy coconuty smell that reminds me of being in Hawaii, is driving me nuts.  My nose keeps itching and protesting the smells that are on my body.

I hate when people douse themselves with perfumes and sprays.  I am one of those people that is really does bother.  I feel like I have to sneeze.  My senses are irritated.  I want to yell out that you stink in your attempt to smell pretty.  So, right now, I am allergic to myself.  I’ll have to find another way to bring the yummy memories of Hawaii into my daily world.

It’s a day that everything is closed … I didn’t really feel like getting groceries yesterday, so today calls for some creativity in my making of meals.  One of the greatest things about Indian cooking is that you can whip up anything.  I am making a veggie meat curry… a family favorite.  I also have spaghetti for the those that aren’t interested in the rice and curry.

The boys watched Step It Up 3… wow… how do they move like that?

I really wanted to that the boys to a movie and there is nothing really interesting out… except the Justin Bieber Movie… which they are apparently adamant about not seeing.  Yet that night, I found myself having a dream about Justin Bieber… lol and how disturbing!  When I told the boys, they were even more disturbed! 🙂

OK… I am just rambling.

Happy Family Day!

I am missing my husband.

🙁

It seems he has been gone a lot lately.

Max vegging out!

It is blustering cold outside.  Yesterday it was warm and beautiful.  Today it is -18 celcius    with the wind.  The wind is fierce!

I am feeling restless… like we need to go out and do something.  Maybe go to the in-laws… the perk would be a free meal! 🙂  Maybe tomorrow.

Yet, I think that the boys, especially the older ones, are relishing the down time.  They are surprisingly quiet, vegging out in various places in the house.

Is vegging not a word?  It always is red after I use it… as spell check is shouting out: ERROR!   To veg out:  To do absolutely nothing that is required.  To relax.  To give into the laziness that allows one to relax.  Vegging… I love to veg out,  especially with a book or a movie and some yummy snacks.

Yesterday, I was reprimanding Josh about something, telling him to use his manners.

In his exasperated tone, he said, “Do I have to use my manners all the time?”

Poor child, it is a lot of work to use manner and be polite all the time!

Sometimes I write things down, for my self, so that I don’t forget the cuteness of my kids… such as the other day, Max came home and mentioned that they were studying about something (I forgot what he said) and it apparently called attention to the fact that Peterborough is a predominantly white town.

Max looked at me and said, “Do you know that Peterborough has mostly white people?”

I laughed and said, “Max, you are only noticing that now?”

He replied, “I don’t look at that kind of thing.”

I love that inncence that kids have.  Don’t look at the color of a person, my sweet Max!  You have it right!

Look at their heart.

It’s Saturday afternoon… and we are just vegging out for the day!  I love a day with no where to be!

Morning One… deemed a success!

Keeping Zachary home in the mornings to help him in the areas of weakness… was good!  It was a little hard with Josh under foot and feeling very jealous.  Despite the fact that I had stuff for Josh… he did not appreciate not having my total attention, therefore  was a bit of a pain.

We will work it out.

Zachary, on the other hand, shone!

We did reading… a bit.  When I could see him tiring, we moved on to math.   He has a love for math.   I asked him if he wanted to learn something different?

Multiplication.

He loved it and was so proud as he caught on very quickly.  Soon, I could give him any problem and he could work it out!

I loved seeing pride on his face.

He was shining.

When we went back to reading, he was more willing to put his energy into it.

Tonight was the icing on the cake:

At hockey, he finally got his goal that he worked so hard on all season!

Perfect!

Way to Go, Zach!

Last night Sanj’s hockey team played their last game at the Memorial Center (the arena where the Peterborough Petes play).  So we all went to watch and cheer him on.

Part of the reason to go is to watch the game, obviously.   The other part is the socializing.  The boys, especially the younger ones, love seeing their friends and running around enjoying the freedom of having the whole arena to explore.

Did you see the movie Mean Girls?  Even if you haven’t, if you are a female, you likely know what the movie is about, right?

Girls can be so MEAN!

Why is that?

I was sitting with my friends… and noticed a girl crying.

There was pure pain and sadness in her eyes.

The MEAN girls were at it again.

They were being exclusive.  They were being cruel.

They were being hurtful.  They were being ugly.

They were being MEAN girls.

What makes some girls so MEAN?

Why are some so hurtful?

It broke my hurt watching this.  I felt this child’s pain.   I wanted to go to the MEAN girls and intervene.  I wanted to parent them… as they’re own parents were oblivious.

It broke my heart watching this child’s heart ache.  It made me sad knowing that this cut deeper than deep.  The scar would remain.

We all know about MEAN girls.

One of my boys liked a MEAN girl.  I don’t think he saw this in her.  (That scared me a little).  I saw her being really MEAN, over and over again.  I never forgot that.  I remember going over to her and her little friends saying, “That isn’t nice, what you are doing.”   Maybe she learned that behavior.  Maybe she was born with it.  It scared me that my son didn’t see that in her.  It scared me that these girls know how to work it.

MEAN  girls… they don’t seem to stop being breed.   Every generation seems to have them.

Maybe we have to look at ourselves.   We have to stop the MEAN in us before we can stop the MEAN in them.

It’s time that NICE girls rule.

Don’t you think?

I hope my boys will only bring home NICE girls.

Please… Jesus!

Today I had a hundred different emotions rickashay through me.

(Photo is just random.  My crazy smart Max… certainly out of the box in many ways! lol)

The biggest being my insecurities.

Over the years, I have developed skills that give me the ability to organize and orchestrate events.  I have to admit that my deepest insecurities have stayed down… way down for a while.  I suppose as I became involved in various projects, succeeded… I felt that I was talented in areas… that I would never have considered “talent.”

Yet… my biggest insecurity is the level of my smarts.  I have never been a great student.  Ever.  It isn’t that I hated school… but it was always hard.  Nothing… no one subject came easy to me.

So often when a kid struggles in reading … they excel in math,  or some other subject.

Not me.  Add to that… I SUCKED at any and all sports.  I had no artistic ability… (I could be creative yet was not artistic).

Music… I am a 6th alto.    I can’t sing.  I don’t play the piano.  I was in band, playing the bass drum, out of desperation for that one last fine arts credit.  My dear band teacher, bless him, Mr. Jensen, conducted the band with one hand and frantically waved his other hand… just for me!  Poor man.  As horrible as I was in band, I have to say, I really loved that experience.

SO… over the years, growing up… I felt inadequate.

As I grew older, I realized that I was ADHD.  I have attention deficit with hyper activity.  The hyperactivity is very obvious if you really know me.

My mind travels very fast.  I can process things… many things at one time.  I feel like my brain is exercising all the time.

Sometimes I find it very frustrating that my body can’t do all the things my brain has lined up.

OK… disclaimer… I am having a pity party.  I am not looking for sympathy or compliments.  I am just working this out…

I have three kids that are capable of traditional learning, even above average kids when they put their minds to it.

I have two kids (one is still undecided) that are just like me.

This breaks my heart.  I found myself balling my eyes out in Sanj’s office about my genes and passing this on to my kids.

Now these two sons struggle.

Do you know that it sucks to struggle?

Every day is a chore.  Every day is long.  Every day is exhausting.

If you happen to be a child that struggles socially too…

well, the bottom line is school sucks.

I feel like I let my oldest down academically… not understanding his needs early enough.

Now my other kid that is struggling is slowly drowning in school.

I feel like it is now or never.

I (we) made the decision to pull him out of school in the mornings and work with him at home.

I feel that what he needs is one on one… concentrating on the areas of struggle.

I have had only postive support from our school.

He will go back for lunch recess and the afternoon classes.

Here’s the thing…

I passed this on to him.  My sucky inablity to learn in the box is a pain in the butt gene to have.

How much that hurts me.

How is it that I am 40+ and yet feel like I am dumb?

(Please don’t tell me I am not…  I know I know… and yet it is like telling a person that thinks they are ugly that they have a nice personality).

I have always wanted to know my IQ.  Yet, the truth be told… I was so scared to really know.  What if I just get affirmation that I am not smart?

I have tried to take the IQ test on line… but usually give up as they take too long.

Yes… I know!  I can laugh at myself too.

Yet… there are times like today that I hate the me that does not fit in the box.  How much easier would my life be?

How much easier a time would my boys have in school?

Here’s the thing… by the time a kid knows they don’t fit in the box… they have made up their minds that they are not…. smart.

Words… all the stuff  I know to say to someone struggling… sound good. Sanj tells me all the time… “You are one of the smartest persons I know.”

That doesn’t help.   It is how I feel inside.

I feel different.  I feel like I never fit.  I feel like it is always hard.

That’s the reality of a person who lives outside the box.

Now… can I change my son’s thoughts?

Can I get him… as we work hard to read at grade level … to believe that he is the most awesomest being?

You know… if you really knew him.   You’d know that he is such a delicious boy.  You’d know that he is brilliant.  You’d know that he can remember the smallest detail.  You’d know that he has a heart so big that it can be barely contained in his being.  You’d know never to judge a child/person by the grades they bring home.  If you really knew him… You couldn’t help but love him.

Today I had a hundred different emotion rickashay through me.

I wish I knew my IQ.

I wish I knew I was smart.

I wish I really see myself as what I am today rather than let what I was consume me.

That last line is written by Sanj… not me.

I am married to a very smart man.  He is a wealth of knowledge.  Sanj has finally started a blog… this is a post he just wrote, an issue close to my heart.

I have been blogging for a bit now and thought it was time to tackle a subject that is pertinent to me as a parent as well as a professional. As an Audiologist I do a test called a Central Auditory Processing evaluation. This test is simply put a listening test rather than a hearing test. I tell the kids that we adults like to use big words to say simple things sometimes. Typically children are sent to me by pediatricians or teachers when they are concerned with staying on task, task initiation and  task completion. Often language based learning dificulties aslo are reported. We do the Central Auditory Evaluation (CAP) to either rule out this possibility or include it as an element of the difficulty that the child is encountering. While I could go on and speak about CAP I would actually like to speak to a consistency that I have seen on an everyday basis.

Out of the thousands of children I have seen over the years for this assesment the vast majority ( perhaps as much as 85%) of these children are born in the last quarter of the year. These are the children having a difficult time with staying on task, task initiation, task completion, and in general, language based learning. More specifically of this 85 % a majority of these children are boys. Should we be shocked? What do we expect in a province that change the kindergarten curriculum to include learning phonetics in Junior Kindergarten and expect early reading in senior Kindergarten. These children are starting school as three year olds and being expected to differentiate sounds phonetically. My Speech Pathologist friends have a lot to say about neuromaturation being insufficient at this point to make this expectation one that is reasonable for all. As a father of six boys I can definitely tell you that many a child is barely independent enough to be in school at three, some are barely potty trained, yet we expect them to learn phonetics and other basic skills that they are not ready for. What ever happened to Kindergarten being a time for social interaction and development , learning to share, learing the posturing that is required for the expectations of grade one.

As parents we are led to believe that the world is such a competitive place that our child needs every oportunity to step over  or on the competition to find the ability to stand out. We have learned to demand so much of our children and expect so much so early. The complication is that for those children that are not ready to integrate this learning, they simply miss it and are left with many blanks in the learning continuum. This point has been so obvious to me that when it came time for my child born in November to enroll for JK  I went to the principal and educated him as to why we were waiting till the next year to enoll our child in JK. Interestingly this was a point of discussion that was new to the principal. As might be expected those in the educational institutions take for granted that the curriculum development and age of entry requirements are well considered by those designing the educational process. In reality my wife and I were more concerned about social readiness as oposed to our childs ability to do the work required. We felt that from a confidence standpoint we would rather have our child feel like they were leading the pack rather than chasing it.

I can tell you that in this case our age of entry and understanding of neuromaturation is incongruous with the learning requirements of early education. It only makes sense that a child born in December for example is going to be at a very different stage of development than the child born in January. In junior Kindergarten this year of difference represents a significant percentage of the childs life. In the book “Freakanomics” an interesting anomaly was noted in terms that make this age predjudice understandable on a real practical level. The stat that I reference is one that found the NHL to be made up of players born primarily in the first few months of the year. Recently it was specified that 33% of all NHL players were born in the month of February. These stats point to the fact that maturationally these were kids that were bigger more co-ordinated and stood out in the tryout process as compared to those that were born later in the year. What it does not mean is that these were the more inherently talented kids. This parallels developmental readiness versus intellect.

The bottom line is that we as a society seem to be in such a hurry to get our children into school so that they can attain the educational goals set forth as they move towards excellence. Perhaps we need to slow down a little and not be in such a hurry to rush our children towards goals of success at the risk of frustrating them and destroying the self confidence of otherwise capable minds.

Written by Sanjeev Sukumaran

Check out his blog at www.theearcompany@blogspot.com

Happy Birthday To You…

Happy Birthday to You…

Happy Birthday, Dear Sanj…

Happy Birthday to YOU!

So… many moons ago, on this day, my best friend was bought into this world…

for many reasons… yet I’d like to think… especially for me.  To complete me.

My world is pretty perfect with this lovely man part of it… day in and day out.

Sometimes he drives me nuts… true.

Sometimes I want to hurt him… yes.

Sometimes I need a time out… I admit.

Yet… it always comes back to being so complete with him in it… despite the discombobulation he may cause or create at time.

lol

God,

All I can say is THANK YOU.

Thank you for Sanj.

All of him… the annoying bits, the OCD bits, the micromanaging bits…

the loving me to death bits, the making my world safe and sound bits. the spoiling me to pieces bits…

Thank you for this day…  to celebrate this dear one in my life.

How I adore him!

Happy Birthday, Sanj!

Absolutely Frazzled!

That’s me.  Last night, I lay in bed listening to the wind howling!  It sounded so pretty and cold… and I was grateful to be in a warm house.

Then the boys came home from hockey…

“Mommy, the driveway is covered with the drifting snow.  I don’t think you will be able to get out in the morning.”

Since today was packed with places I needed to be at… I decided that it couldn’t that bad.

I backed the van up… said a quick prayer (even though I know God expects me to use my common sense… that was lacking)… and took a run down the drive.

We made it to the middle and then we came so a slow halt.

I am stuck.

The snow is knee deep.

I have a meeting I am suppose to run… at 8:45 am.

I made dentist appointments for all the boys from 10:30- 12pm.

I am stuck.

Since Sanj is always here… I have no idea how to use the snow blower.

Sanj gives Tyler the instructions… but Tyler is too overwhelmed to listen.

I am frazzled.

Our snow plow guy is unreachable.

CAA won’t tow me out if the drive is not clear.

Thank you, God for kind -hearted friends.

A former Rhema dad who lives down a  bit is here now.

I think I am being rescued.

Sigh.
Thank you, Jesus.

Wow… I am tired!

It’s 7:30 pm… the 2 youngest are out for the night…

2 middle are off to hockey…

my oldest is at a friends…. (what’ new and no school tomorrow)…

and my 11 year old, Max.. just met Alex Ovechkin (hockey player for the Washington Capitals), in Tampa, where he is on his 10 year trip.

The pressure!   As mentioned before, each boy, as they turn 10 years of age, gets to go on a trip with their dad.  All the boys have chosen Florida… for the warmth and for the cheap hockey tickets for great seats.

Sanj has scored huge… booking the right hotel where the players are.

Wow!  Max, I am sure, I just beaming!

Tyler got to met Sidney Crosby!

Jordan got to met Matt Steen and Eric Stall.

When you are Canadian hockey playing boy… these guys are larger than life.

Me… I am grateful that the house is so quiet I can hear the wind howling.

I am grateful for a new Grey’s Anatomy tonight!

I am grateful for helpful friends and teammates that are willing to provide rides when needed.

I chatted with my dearest cousin on Facebook tonight.  That made my night.  How much I love him… (Ujjal…)

Tomorrow is a busy day.

Morning meeting at the school… then all the boys have a dentist appointment.
Obviously, I wasn’t thinking when I booked that!

Then… it’s the WEEKEND!