Living Loving Breathing Boys

I remember losing it … really losing it… when I had babes. I always called it postpartum. It seemed to get worse with each baby. After Josh I sought help because the rage I felt scared me. I have talked about this before. I thought I was over the worst of it.

Tonight… I felt that rage. I felt crazy and scared. My mom has been visiting and catching up on my laundry. I so appreciate it.
Yet I still need to sort and makes piles and then the boys help me put away. The huge mass of laundry over took me tonight.
I have been feeling anxious over it. Tomorrow my in-laws are coming. It is a huge pile on the dining room table. HUGE.

I have been feeling it overtake me. I told the boys that we can have fun but when we get home we all have to put it away.
(We went to see Night at the Museum and dinner) to celebrate Father’s Day before we do the family thing.

I am not sure what my son does not get about respect. I am not sure what I have done wrong. He is SO disrespectful. He has no qualms about consequences. I am still shaking from feeling crazy.

I remember we always KNEW when my dad was going to lose it. It was a no brainer. There were always signs. Me becoming crazy… there are signs. I even voice my impending craziness.

It scared everyone. They all seem to know it behave… or at least be a little afraid of me. Everyone works quietly and quickly. No complaining.

We always are warned of the raging hormones of teens. My kids know … mommy has raging hormones too. There are signs when it is that time.

I feel like crap. I feel anger that my child seems to have no sense to talk foolishness.

I would have been _____less! My child does not care. Where have I gone wrong? Please tell me!

Crazy. I am feeling like the craziness in my family didn’t go to far.

I am so appreciative that I have thoughtful sons too. I appreciate the unconditional love that is showered despite my looney tune ways.

I am not sure what next. But I do know that I have laid it down in no uncertain terms. DISRESPECT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED TOWARDS ME OR ANYONE. If you do not have something nice then zip it.

Do you ever open the mailbox to a hand written note? I have friends that are very good at doing that.

I feel so special, cherished and loved.

I have a serious disorder. I didn’t know how bad it was until a few years ago. I used to LOVE writing people letters and notes. I love paper. I love buying paper. I have a full box of various stationary that I packed when we moved marked “Reema’s paper.”
Yet over the years I find sealed envelopes that are addressed stashed in various places.

I can’t seem to MAIL things! The act of physically putting something in the mailbox is where I suffer tremendously.

I finally have accepted the fact that I do not mail things.

I opened my mailbox and there was a lovely note from one of my cousins. He does not have a computer. No email… the occasional phone call… back to the middle ages.

So I read a lovely letter from him, catching up on his life.

Then I realized that it is only fair that I reply him. I doubt typing it would be polite.
And then I have to MAIL it!

I have not done this in so long. I am over due.

Have we lost the art of writing to each other? I have to admit part of the annoyance is that I have to WAIT for a while for a reply. No instant gratification.

Snail mail has a whole new meaning.

I have a love of photography. Someday I hope to pursue it … learn all the stuff I only guess at.

I am not artsy… wish I was but that isn’t one of my gifts. What I love to capture is the person true self. I love to get that perfect shot that show that person what we see. I love trying to capture what is so special about them.

I hate getting my picture taken. All I see is the flaws… but every once in a while there is a shot that I love because I see past everything… and really see me.

These are a few of my favorites…

This Monday Sammy graduated from grade 8.

It was wonderful to see him in his element… with his friends. He loves his friends.

It was just amazing to see these young people that still come to my mind as JKs at his birthday.
It is so amazing to see life through his eyes and go back in time.

Sammy is off to Ottawa for three days. I know he is having a wonderful time.

Now I officially have a high school student! Wow!
This is my favorite picture of the night:

I had camera envy as I was snapping pictures… this guy and his machine were beside me.

Wow! I would like to know what that camera really does!

Yesterday was the Dragon Boat Festival. It is such a emotionally charged day… it is all about BREASTS… men and women. It is about cancer and the fight against breast cancer and awareness.

I love it. I love the feeling that is there… so many people … all for one cause.

Rhema Reflections is the team we have from the school. What a great group of people. Committed. Great sports.
Winners. We raised over $2000 towards the fight against breast cancer. All that money that is raised stay in Peterborough to buy equipment to fighting the fight. Last year was the Million Dollar mark. Let see how soon we can get to $2 million.

At midday there is a change in spirit… as the Survivors Abreast team competes with the other surviver teams. They are amazing. They are women of all ages that have decided that cancer is not going to win.

There is the song “I will remember you…” dedicated to all those that lost their battle this year. Names are read, and pink carnations are then toss in the lake as they pay tribute to those women.

Those flowers represent mothers, sisters, friends all who fought hard. It is such a incredible day.

Paddles Up! Thanks for all that were part of this day. Thank you to all those that fight the battle every day. You inspire! Thanks for all those volunteer to make this a day that is unforgettable.

Thursday night was a wonderful night. Sammy looked dashing in his tux and added his own flair with his Pumas. He told us he wished we had an Aston Martin so he could be Bond… James Bond!

That is what stuck out to me the whole night. This group of kids/becoming young people. They looked so grown and yet there was the childish playfulness what belied the fact that they were still kids.

It was an evening of picture taking, eating, fellowship. It was amazing to see these once JKs in heels and ties.

The staff each picked a child or two and wrote a tribute about each of them. What strike me was the effort that was obviously put in and just how amazing they nailed each child.

Listening to two minutes about oneself … about what makes them special… what gifts they have and what will be missed about them is quite a gift to leave with.

As I watched Sammy … I realized that he is ready to make that next step. He has been well prepared with by the wonderful people he has spent so many hours for so many years.

I had many emotions running through me. Pride and love was the greatest… I think. As he slept with us that, his body almost as long as mine, taking up 1/3 of the bed, I was so grateful to God for the last 8 years… For the gift of Rhema, the gift of dedicated teachers and parents, the gift of home away from home.

Monday he will stand with his class, shake hands with his teachers, and receive that paper that says, “Well done, good job, time to move on.” He is ready. He will be awesome. His is awesome.

Grad dinner tonight. I am feeling excited, anxious, overwhelmed with a 101 different emotions.

I can’t wait. But then I want to stop time in that moment so I can really enjoy it and hang on to it.

Sammy is displaying all sorts of emotions too. He is really excited about his tux… that he will wear his Puma shoes with!

How is it that this babe of mine is going to high school? I remember high school like it was yesterday (well kinda).

Soon he will be taller than me. (He keeps checking). He already has bigger feet.

Tonight. I can’t wait.

(Grad dinner… what is it? It is a night all about the grads. Just their parents and the staff. I think it is very intimate for the class. The decor and food is taken care of by the grade 7 parents. I am not sure by I think this night is even more special then the actual grad… not sure. Will let you know)!

Sammy wrote on his Facebook status “Thurday is grad dinner. This year has gone by fast.”

Grad dinner is Thursday. I think it is starting to sink in that this is it. He is really done at Rhema.

I feel so emotional when I write that. It has been such a place of love. I feel so blessed that my boys have had such a great start to life… school life.

Sure there have been moments. But thankfully that is all they were moments. They passed.

I asked Sammy who his favorite teacher has been? His reply was “Just ONE?” What a great answer. I know he loves so many and they have touched his life.

Thank you God for Rhema. Thank you for this wonderful place that we have had to see Your love. Thank you for those committed staff that make this place so special.

I know that a part of who Sammy is will always to attributed to these special people and special place.

What a busy day. Laundry and tidying in the morning. Lunch with my hubby, dogs to get cleaned up and nails clipped, then it was off to PET DAY in grade 1.

The dogs are great. Yes they are work… an require work, love and attention. But they are good dogs. They are very loving. If given free rain of our backyard… instead of running away… they would rather be near and around us. They have been a positive addition to our family.

Ok back to the list… from there it was pick up the boys, grab snacks, take Sammy to get his jacket tailored, then cheer the Rhema team as they practiced for the Dragon Boat Festival. I look forward to the Festival every year.

From there we had eye doctor appointments for three out of six boys. Then it was home. Phew! Then somewhere in there is supper, homework, teeth brushing and then bed… for the younger ones. The older ones are up to watch the hockey game… hoping Pittsburgh is able to survive and take Lord Stanley’s Cup.

We have a king size bed. Right now I am surround by six bodies squishing to find a piece of bed to watch the game. I love my boys.

i am still continuing the battle of losing weight… my constant co-dependent relationship with carbs. Usually it starts on a Monday… Yesterday as I was in the school circle for pick up, I gave Josh a cookie with a layer of chocolate. Yum. He looks at me and says, “Do you want a bite?”

I reply, “No thanks.”
Josh says… “You’re not eating carbs?”
Embrassed and sheepishly I reply “Yup.”
Josh… “Is this a carb?”

Sheesh. Even my 4 year old is on to my yo yo issues.

All in a day. A full day. A blessed day.
Night Night!
GO PITTSBURGH GO!

I have so much to say… but time runs away and then the day is over. I am looking forward to summer. I am looking forward to Sleeping IN!!! There is nothing better than just waking up on your own. I hate sitting up, squinting at the alarm and realizing that I better get up at that exact moment! I hate bugging my kids to wake up when I understand how much they just need to sleep.

I am looking forward to being with the boys. I love just hanging out. I am looking forward to days at the beach, little mini trips and just being home.

Summer! I love it. I love the pace it allows us to keep. We are almost there!

Of course I know that there will be bugs, days that are too hot and the usual fighting.

We have 2 summer birthdays… Sammy’s is June 27th, Tyler’s is July 10th and swished in there is our 15th anniversary!

15 years… it doesn’t really sound like a big number and yet it is a life time. Life before Sanj seems like such a distant memory.
I have had him in my life more than I haven’t… since we were friends forever before that.

I add another teenager to the list. Tyler is going to be 13! Lord, I pray this is an easier ride… PLEASE!

Sammy is going to be 14 and I really had hoped that maybe he could find a little job… but no one is hiring till around 16 years old.

They will be busy living at the golf course. Maybe Jordan will take it up more. Max can’t wait to be old enough to golf with out having to have an adult there.

Josh will be happy (I think) to have his brothers home again. Zach will be happy to have a break from school.

I have so many things I want to accomplish this summer. We will have to see how much I get accomplished.

9 more sleeps! Summer … here we come!

It’s Friday night… I love Friday nights. I always have. We are down a few kids tonight. The house seems too quiet!

Max is at a friend’s and Tyler is doing the 30 HOUR FAMINE! Yes… the grade 7s are experiencing lack of food for 30 hours, while having a big sleep over at school!

What a trooper! It really is hard to imagine the lack of food and water for so many people in the world while we have a ridiculous abundance.

I made a campfire and hung out with Jordan and Zach and the pups. What a gorgeous night. I love the smell of a campfire. I love smelling it in my babies hair.

Oh… let me tell you about my God sighting today. It is a silly story but was very real to me. Sammy’s class was in Cobourg (about 45 minutes away) for a baseball game with a bunch of other 8th graders from other schools.

He was suppose to be there for 8:30 am… we missed the bus… (LONG STORY).

So I driving to the game and had trouble finding exactly where we were suppose to be going. After an hour of driving around, not finding the place, I said that if they were not at the next spot, we would have to head home.

No team… so I am looking for my way to the highway. Sammy is really disappointed and trying to be OK about it. I prayed… “God please help me.” I was on a street in the middle of no where. On the right side we see lots of cars, some school buses and a ball diamond. This isn’t oen of the spots I was suppose to look. I said, “Sammy don’t think this is it…” SO off he goes to see if there were any familiar faces.

I see a smile! WOW! This really could only be a God thing. It was a small thing yet a huge thing. I needed a God sighting.

While I listen to my non-believing friends justify things, it is easy to see where FAITH really comes in play. I am so glad that I have Someone to believe in and have Someone I can yell to. What a great GPS!

You can choose to believe or not. I find believing a lot easier. I find that when I seek His presence I am always reassured in ways that make sense to me.

He comes down to my level. This is my God sighting. I needed it today. SO… thank you God. You know it all and I am so grateful for Your constant presence. I am always grateful for Your understanding my moments of doubt.

It’s Friday night. I am so glad that each week has a beginning and an end.

This little boy wanted to know if the president’s hair felt like his!

My day was full today. Sammy had a dentist appointment and then we spent the rest of the afternoon playing hooky and shopping for clothes etc.

Do you remember when your parents were telling you what to wear? Do you remember fighting them with all you had because they were NOT COOL? Except now as the parent, you know you are cool… you know what is IN! Well it still is the same ole thing.
My kids still think we are uncool.

Sammy wants to wear a WHITE TUX with a RED BOW TIE or RED SKINNY TIE for grad! Sanj has more issue with this than me… because I will be there clicking away… preserving the moment forever! lol

Sammy has a suit for grad. Thursday before graduation is the grad dinner. It is an intimate time with classmates, parents and staff. It is all about the graduating class. It is pretty dressy. Sammy wanted to wear a tux. So we went to check out the tuxs.
He tried on the white one. I said I am good with whatever for this night. The white tux was too big. Out of luck.

So a black tux, no vest with a black bow tie. 🙂

Can’t wait! Then there is the fight over the hair. He is sure Sanj is out to make his hair dorky. lol
Oh boy. Lots of laughs.

As I was getting ready for the gym, I had gym tube socks scrunched down… Sammy looks at me and says, “I wouldn’t wear then like that. All the geeky people wear socks like that!”

HELLO… how am I trying to impress at the gym?

We are running away from the Miami Vice days… and they are running toward it! Yikes!

This weekend at church the older boys, Sammy and Tyler were on the junior praise team.

Sanj goes to the church every other Wed. before youth group and works with this group of kids. Both my boys played the guitar. It was a proud moment for me. They sounded good… and seemed to have a good time doing it.

Sammy announced before the songs, “No flash photography!”

So of course Mamarazzi was snapping and flashing away! 🙂

I love my boys!

Bad Words? YES!!! Many of them. I am your over the top idiot! Remember my last post… Max and his Taj Mahal project? Well I found a paper craft for making the Taj. As I worked on it (yes me…) it way to complex for Max to cut out properly. So I figured that he could help me assemble it. Well as I put together the first section… I realized it was way to complex for ME to put it together.

So I was off to idea number three. As I was waiting for a idea to fall out of heaven (literally)… I walked by the cake decorating isle. HEY! Why not make a cake??? One of the project’s purpose it to identify the shapes in the building chosen. There are all sorts of shapes and stuff to make cakes. I would make this amazing creation and it was perfect because Max could do it all with me.The excitement was LITERALLY oozing out of me.

5 cake mixes later, more than a dozen eggs and many dirty dishes later… I start to assemble my masterpiece.

HOW DO CAKE DECORATORS DO IT???

*&^%%$$@%$%&^%*&^(*&()(*)(*_(*_(**&*&&^%&%$^%#$#%$# !!!

Sanj walked in to see me dejected and defeated. The creation in my mind was not what appeared on the counter.

This is Max’s expression when he saw it:

Needless to say, it is 8 p.m. and Sanj is off to rescue Max… off to town they are to get whatever to make this project so that it is not a embarrassment to the Sukumaran household or my sweet Max!

Why do I not KNOW my limits? I love projects and usually do a good job. But really creating a Taj Mahal out of cake? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

*&^^%%$##@@!!!!

Here is a picture of Sanj making THE TAJ…. Such concentration… such focus… guess that is why he is the PhD. student and I am
not.

Zach is awaiting my help with his Animal Project… let’s hope there is not drama there!

Today is an Open House at The Ear Company. May is better Hearing and Speech Month. So my husband is going to have a very busy and tiring day.

It is rainy and very wet out… and Max and Zach have trips to the zoo to participate in the Water Festival… I was really hoping the sun would shine for them this day.

Sammy is approaching his graduation from 8th grade. I have a lot of mixed emotions. I think he is ready and excited to head to high school. I am happy for him and yet feel all the mixed emotions of him leaving Rhema. I love knowing that my children are loved and cared for. I never worried for the most part as I knew they were in the care of nurturing adults.

I am sure that will all be in place next year too… but it is still all new and unknown.

Jordan’s class had THE TALK. Last night as we talked about stuff again, I really felt a feeling of franticness. There is so much out there. It is all part of growing up. Hormones, girls, parties, drugs… I am not quite ready yet… to have to deal with the reality of my boys growing up and knowing STuFF!

Maxwell is suppose to make one of the famous buildings in the world. He picked the Taj Mahal! Hello??? Could he not have just picked a square building? This is due next week. We are just starting. He is not really a procrastinator… so he is uptight.
I guess (aside from me being the world’s best procrastinator) I was really hoping to change his mind to something like the
Greek Parthenon… which is rectangular and add some poles … doll it up a bit… project done! He did actually say OK… but then I felt bad. How can I discourage my child from his choice because it is too hard or too time consuming? So Taj Mahal… here we come.

Zachary also has a project. The Grade 1 famous Animal Project. He is going to do it on Golden Labs. He is trying really hard in school… he wants to do his as a movie. I am not sure that will happen but never know!

Tyler… he is becoming a song writer. Too beautiful! He is also finding his own relationship with God. So great to watch… choices that are made… with no pressure. He is wanting to be baptized. (This is another blog….)
I enjoy the decision process that each boys makes… so different and so personal.

I guess that leaves Josh. Busy. Busy. Busy. That leaves me tired, tired, tired.

How I love my family. It is the end of the day… the rain has finally come and it is pouring. I love it. It is the best way to go to sleep… It is the perfect way to end a busy day.

I believe Zachary told Josh that God was always behind him.

So Josh keeps asking, “Is God behind me?” And then he swings his head around to see if he can find God behind him!

Today he asked again if God was behind him? And then he says, “God just PINCHED me!”

I am pretty sure God was smiling with me.

I wish I could get a pinch sometimes!

Today I talked to an old girlfriend of mine. We have been through the ups and downs of growing up. I can call her and pick up were we were despite the weeks that go by. I am so glad for the constants that have been in my life. I am so glad that there are some friends that just don’t need the explanation.

Today I talked to another friend… we have been friends only a short while… yet she has been with me forever. Does that makes sense? I feel such a connection that allows me a closeness that normal would take many moons. I receive love and affection. I am blessed with such caring and consideration. I feel like in many ways I have met my twin… and yet have such a long way to go to even to in that legend. I feel nurtured and fed.

Today I talked to another friend… we can chat and catch up in minutes and yet know that we are really are there for each other.

Friends… I am blessed by all those God has placed in my life. I am amazed at how He know what I need and when.

I hope that I give to others a bit of what I receive daily.

I pray that my boys will be blessed with friendships that make them better people.

I hope that as the circle of life continues that we remember what is important. It is all about the connections we make… and that make us.