Living Loving Breathing Boys

It is time to wind everyone down. I am tired. Really tired. It has been a very busy weekend. We are all tired. Bed… time for bed.

Sanj is doing his course so I am single parenting it tonight as I get everyone to do what needs to be done… bath, chores, dogs, etc.

I already had the younger two in their bed… when I hear singing. It is Zach singing his off tune sing song way (he chooses to sing this way with a vibrato kind of thing happening…) “Holy”… and the guitar is being played with Tyler singing with him.

I almost hesitate to break up the duet. A Beautiful Moment. How I love them. I can see God beaming with pleasure as He looks down. A Moment.

My brother wrote in his blog ” Today, while my small group met, I had an epiphany: While Adam and Eve were hiding, but God was in pursuit of them. Remember, if when you screw up royaly, don’t hide from God, because he is in search of you.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am not going to impress God with my actions or even more so that God is not going to pounce on me and “write me up” even other minute that I stumble.

I think when I was little, it was brainwashed into me that GOD was in a constant judgement mode. I felt like I was never doing enough to make it. I felt like God was constantly writing in that book of good or evil. I felt like heaven was always a little out of reach.

Now, I believe that God is there, encouraging me, knowing my heart, knowing my heart’s desires, feeling my love.

Yet when I have a evil thought about someone or something, I still can’t help but panic and feel ashamed knowing that God heard it too.

So I love that God is in constant pursuit of me. I love that He is never giving up. I love that HE believes that I am worth it!

One of my biggest frustrations is people that try too hard.

I suppose this is stemmed from insecurities. Nevertheless, I find this behavior annoying. An example of this are Christians who try too hard.

I am picking on Christians simply because this was an experience that is fresh on my mind. No one expects families to be perfect. No one expects a mom or dad to be perfect. That includes God. He actually understands and accepts the imperfection in us.

I love that. I don’t have to try hard to impress Him. He gets me. He understands that no one is harder on me than ME!

Why pretend you are a engaged parent when we understand you are a workaholic? Why pretend to have perfect children when we all are going through parenting together and love the childishness that make children who they are?

Why say “I was praying for you today?” When you barely have said hello? Weird? Petty? Probably.

I just hate superficialness. Please just be real with me. I like you. Especially the real you. Please don’t pretend. I don’t know what to do with that. I spent too many years forced to pretend we were a happy family… growing up. I can’t do that.

I am who I am.

I am full of flaws. Just ask my oldest! But I am trying. I am really trying. I feel that if I live each day to the best I can… and some days even just to the tiniest of that… God gets it.

So I am not looking for perfection. I am just looking for real. Please?

Yesterday at lunch, as we were leaving, an older lady comes to our table and says, “Are these all your boys?” Yes… they are.
Then the waiting, defensive mode ready for action… and she says, “What a miracle!”

Wow. Never heard that before, especially from a stranger. Maybe she was really an angel.

Life… is your cup half full or half empty?

This lady made my day. Thinking before you speak. It is so easy to judge but none of us being judged. Compliment instead of condemning. You never know what a person has been through till you have been in their shoes. Most of us do not get the chance to walk someone’s shoes. Yet if you do, most of us would take back judgement.

Life is good. If you do have lemons, why not try to make lemonade with what you have? If may be a wonderful experience.

It is so easy to say something negative or hurtful, assuming the recipient of your comment is going to Ha Ha with you …
but what if they don’t? Is it really worth making someone feel bad?

Make someone’s day. Be that a person’s reason to smile.

Yes, what a miracle. What a lovely lady.

I love this quote:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We must ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not in just some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others – Nelson Mandala

This is my 500th post!

I have been so scared to write (something I truly LOVE to do). I criticize myself for not spelling properly, not knowing how to fix my grammatical mistakes when the computer edits my writing… not feeling like I am worthy of even being called a writer.

Sometimes I stop and erase a post because I wonder and worry about what someone might think…
Yet really…
I write to release a part of myself.
I write to remember a special day or thought.
I write when I am lonely.
I write when I am happy.
I write to remember things that I am so thankful for.
I write because I really want to leave some of me somewhere for my children.
I write here as a start … because it is a passion. Where it goes is yet to be seen!

500 posts. Baby steps. I have loved writing. I have even more so enjoyed all your comments whether on the blog or Facebook. Thank you for being my sidekick in this journey.

We went to church today… (yes, Sanj was on the praise team…) and it was interesting.

I hate letting “bad” thoughts flow through me at any given point. I don’t like being mean or petty. If I am going there, I try to stop the flow of that poison. Sometimes it works, other times, I just have to allow myself that moment and then let it go!

I hate know it all people. OK… hate is a strong word. But I do dislike them immensely.
I don’t mind if you are really knowledgeable but when you try to make others feel less than you (umm, hello…. INSECURITY SCREAMING OUT LOUD)… it is an ugly thing.

So I am there, at church, watching this happen. I am feeling the bad flows of energy whirling around me. CHURCH! I am in church.

It doesn’t make me a good person. But I am bothered by this. Humans… we are all JUST HUMAN. Let it go.

Church… I sat next to a mom I admire greatly. It was great to look around and see wonderful people that I can call my friend and support system.

We talked about the “Sanctuary” and whether church in it self was special… everywhere INCLUDING THE MALL could be a sanctuary. I liked that! Maybe that wasn’t all I was to get out of it but I must admit that my brain froze there … and then it was over. Imagine church in the mall… I would probably go more often. lol

Sanj went to his alumni this weekend… he played and sang on Friday night at the church where his high school was. Despite the fact that this wasn’t my past, it was easy to just go back … songs just took you back…. Side by Side.

As we sat there in the pews, Sanj looked at me and mouthed “I love you.” I love those little moments. They are so meaning in the biggest of ways. High school for so many was not the best of memories for whatever reason.

Being there, I could sense his energy. I am glad that I went, despite the work of getting the kids there, dressed, fed,driving in the storm, keeping them quiet and reminding them that IT WAS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THEM… we were there for Daddy.

Love is about the little moments. I love watching people interact… it is about the small gestures. One of my friends always calls her husband “My John.” I love that! I love the little things such as carrying a wife’s purse… despite how it will look. Or getting up and starting the car or shoveling the drive… little things.

I love when I see the little things my boys do. Getting out of the car, helping put the groceries in. Sweeping the floor instead of walking over or on it.

Getting up to take the dogs out, doing the dishes with out being asked. Holding my hand on a whim (I LOVE THIS), strumming on the guitar a song they learned. I could keep going… but really I need to focus on the little things that are done and appreciate them. There will always be things they don’t do…

I admire people that go after their dream. My cousin is one of these folks. He has a love for music and just put out a CD… check out his site at www.gkishorecarey.com

This blog is all over the place… it is Sunday. I am avoiding the on-slaughter of Monday morning.
But all good things must come to an end at some point!

It’s all about ME!!! Well at least for bits of time today!

I awoke to breakfast in bed this morning… Yummy! Then we went to church and was given chocolate there! Yum! I’d go more if that was a weekly thing! lol

The boys and their very sweet and thoughtful dad got me a bracelet with 6 hearts on it. Love it!
And the extra “little something” was a flash for my camera. 🙂

I got cards made with love and some tulips made out of wood (my kind of flowers… lol), a picture and some dandelions, lunch out, even a bitty nap and moments of love from each of my cherubs.

Awww… to be loved and thought of is one of the greatest gifts.

Mother’s Day Weekend…
I have so many thoughts floating in my head as I think of this weekend. As I think of Mother’s Day, I can’t help but think of my own little ones… smile as I watch the whispering and excitement of especially the younger ones. I am so blessed to be called MOM… even when it is the most used word in our household. It is my greatest calling and my most cherished role.

I think of my own mom and am grateful for all the sacrifices that she made to be living the life I now know. I am glad for the traits that mirror her and make me a better person. If it was not for my mom, I would not be here! Literally!

I think of the other ladies that God placed in my life over the years that made such an impact as to who I am today. There are teachers that cared, others that adopted me as their daughter away from home, others that nurtured and loved me in the most impactful ways.

There are the moms that are gone. Missed. Greatly missed. Their love leave a legacy… yet it still leaves a painful void.

Then there are those that try to step in and just be… knowing there is no one that can fill that void. Yet they are so brave… so giving, and are so much that word means… Mother to all.

Mothers… all I can think of when I say Mom is HERO. A hero that is self-less, serving, loves unconditionally, living for those that she can not help but breathe for…

So, to all those MOMS, who inspire me to be better in every thing, turn the other cheek, love harder, pray daily, not give up…
To all the MOMS who love those that are lost…
To all the MOMS that have had to love tough…
To all the MOMS that love MY BABES when I am not there…
To all the MOMS that just keep believing…
To all the MOMS that just step up to the plate…
To all the MOMS that forget to be thanked…

This day is for you! Happy Mom’s Day to the most incredible role that is played. Thank you for being my inspiration! Thank you for being that which God has called you to be!

The world wouldn’t be the same without you being and doing all you do each day!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Here is a few things I have learned this week past:

Hospitality is a gift. Not everyone can naturally be a gracious host. It requires a self-less person that worries and considers their guest constant needs. Whether it is feeding, resting, entertaining or comforting… it is something that one considers every minute of that visit.

I was on the receiving end of this… what a delight. I felt loved and cherished and special. There are many levels of hospitality, of course… but to receive the 5 star treatment while in someone’s house is extra special. It is one of those special gifts that God bestowed on special people.

Gift Giver and Gift Receiver… they are two very different things. I love giving gifts. I love that special something that has someone I love name all over it. It may cost $2 and be a silly thing or $20 and be a token of love. It makes me feel really good to shop for someone else. Actually, it is one of my favorite past-times.

I have learned it is very hard for some people to accept gifts without blushing when they are used to being a giver. But it is an important element… for one to accept the token of love… otherwise you are robbing the giver of the pleasures you so fully know as the giver. Sometimes it is easier to be the constant doer… than accept and be the receiver. This is a moment you just need to “suck it up!” 🙂

Silence… it is a good thing. Sometimes, after someone shares with you a hurt or pain… there are no words to make it better. Nothing you say will fix it. They don’t expect you to fix it. Sometimes when someone shares… it is a privilege to hear their story. Sometimes the only response that is appropriate is silence. Silence does not mean discomfort. It can be just what it is. A moment that was shared.

I learned that life can be discombobulating even when it is good. I feel that right now. I feel like I should be doing more… yet am stuck. I am not sure how to take that next step… or what that next step is. I have ideas… actually too many ideas… but I guess I am really hoping that God will take the lead on this. Maybe waiting is O.K.

These are just some thoughts of my week…

This weekend I went away for a couple of nights. I relaxed. I rested. I was able to just BE!
It was great. It was wonderful. It was all that it was.

Back to reality. I love my boys. I love my husband. I love my friends.

I can’t wait for summer. But this means watching Sammy say goodbye to Rhema and all that was. It means watching and accepting my son becoming a full fledged teenager… that is off to high school.

Wow. So many changes. Hey, at least I am not pregnant. 🙂

I love this picture. I wish my older ones were more co-operative with my picture taking. 🙁

I am watching Grey’s Anatomy… Meredith is telling a mom who is making excuses for her abusive husband that she has to change her daughter’s story. (The little girl shot her dad 17xs with a gun).

I liked that. CHANGE YOUR STORY… if you are not happy with it. You have the power to do so.

Walk away from unhealthy… it is a choice.
Walk away from the things that hold you back.
Walk away from not being the best you can be.

As Oprah says, “Live Your BEST Life!”

It is a choice. Change your story. You have the power to do so.
What a gift.
How great to have a choice!

Is your story yours?
Change your story to the one you want to live.

The first step to this change is making THE CHOICE!

I love that. Change your story!

I already mentioned going away this weekend. Usually this means more work then when I am home on the weekend.

I wanted to catch up on laundry…
Make a menu with the groceries if they choose to use…
Get the groceries for the weekend…

Of course Sanj is perfectly capable to do this on his own… but after working a busy week, it makes me feel better to try and lighten his load a bit.

I wanted to capture the day’s work in a picture…this summed it up.

Laundry.

1 more sleep!

One of the downfalls of children various ages is that the younger pick up things way to fast!

They never seem to pick up the things that I would want them to learn… such as picking up your toys and clothes…

Today Josh did not have a nap… I am trying to wean him off it… but obviously the last few day have been a hint that neither Josh nor I are ready to him to give it up yet!

We get home and are doing the typical stuff… dogs out, groceries in and being put away… brothers running to release steam…

I am not sure what I did to upset him but I know the word “No” was part of his frustration.

“Mommy, I don’t like this family anymore. I am running away!”

Hum … when is he going to realize just how good he really has it?
Wish I could just take off when I didn’t get my way!

15 seconds into his journey he seems to have forgotten his purpose… there are worms to check out.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I am always available for my children and husband. I am always a phone call away (thanks to the cell phone)!

I am off this weekend with some girlfriend to hang out. No plans is the plan! I love it. Nothing like chatting, watching chick flicks, eating, sleeping, reading, eating, sleeping…

I am really looking forward to it. I miss being away from the guys. I really do. I will not miss making meals, picking up and laundry for two-ish days. I hate missing whatever they will do without me.

But I am tired. I am getting old. I am in need for some time out of being Mommy.

This time I have been ordered to leave my cell at home. Last time Jordan called me 20 Xs (no word of a lie) … things like “Daddy isn’t being nice to me…” Sorry honey pie… deal with it. Love you.

Then it is back to reality. But for now… laundry is being caught up, refrigerator stocked, my bag packed!

And off I go… away… just for a little while!

Do you have fears that can consume you? I suppose most of us fear something or another.

Cancer is a big one for me. It is one of those things that I have seen hurt those around me. I guess I just want to be there for my children… then when they are grown… I feel I can handle things better.

Losing one of my children… this is not one I obsess about … but do pray for that heavenly protection over each of my children.
When I hear a story about a child being taken… it hits me where I can’t breathe. I just can’t even image.

Then there is pregnancy… sounds silly, yah, I know. Every one of my pregnancies were planned. I am happy with the six munchkins I have.

I am 40 years old. I made my plans to be done having babies by 35. Pretty close… Josh was in my belly at 35. Done. Finished.

I am looking at the next phase of life. A few days where I can do what needs to be done without a shadow. (Loved having a shadow… will miss the shadow….)

I have always enjoyed each of my pregnancies. I loved being pregnant. After Josh, we were done… done having kids and done trying for a girl. Sanj got “fixed.”

I have to admit, I still worried about getting pregnant. I felt that his sperm was not normal… rather a super-sperm… a vasectomy will not stop the swimmer from “becoming!” So I used birth control for back up… and to help deal with my cramp issues.

I finally decided to just let it all go and deal with the cramping.

This month my period did not make its appearance. In place of it was serious nausea, dry heaving and cramps. My period is never late. I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I didn’t believe it. Major freaking out.

Still very nauseous. More freaking out (have to admit… a bit excited … crazy, I know…) another pregnancy test. Negative.

By now… I truly believe I am pregnant. Sanj is not enjoying my craziness. Yes, one more prego test. Negative.

It is amazing how you can make yourself believe and feel psychologically. I convinced myself that I was pregnant. I went to my doctor’s … for blood work.

Phone rings… heart races… not pregnant. OK… phew. I am too old to be waking up, changing diapers, carrying a diaper bag, dealing with car seats, strollers, spit up, teething, potty training… OK… bring on the nausea, I can handle it.

I loved being pregnant. I LOVED babies. I will miss it. Maybe my missed period is just another sign of saying goodbye to my youth. Maybe I am getting old…

I really do scare myself sometimes. Poor Sanj… see what he has to live with?!!

Wanted: Peace of MInd!

I find myself worried about things. Unnecessarily worried! I think and worry about things out of my control.
Oh dear… I think I am becoming Sanj! Yikes… there is only room for one of us in this household!

Worried? Contemplating? Reflecting? Hum… not sure what the actual word is but is it too much to ask for PEACE OF MIND?

I worry about the future… what will my kids be like? How do I shape them into fine young men? I worry about growing old.
I am not scared of it… but rather intrigued. I want to be a “cool” senior citizen. Yes, I actually have thought this through!

I worry about my hands. They seem too old. Plus they are pudgy. I worry about not wearing a ring. I really have no desire to wear one, as I think it is annoying. I play with it and just don’t like the feeling of something on me all the time. Yet I do like Sanj to wear a ring. Double standard… Yah I know. But it works for me.

Now I worry about the heel on my feet. They are starting to feel really rough. I don’t like that. I probably need a pedicure… for them to use that scrapee thing on my heel. Never needed that before! Ugg.

I worry about what MY children will be dysfunctional about. What aspect(s) about my parenting will they hold against me?

What will our relationship be like as adults? Will any of them stop talking to me?

How is Sammy going to wake up for high school (8:05 or something) start when he can not handle being at school for 8:45 a.m.?

Am I really ready to deal with the reality that next year I will have all school going kids?

Am I beginning menopause? Hot flashes… are they really that bad?

Ahhh worries… these are just my petty worries… then there are the ones I lose sleep over!

Wanted: Peace of Mind!

Yesterday was such a beautiful day! We had temperatures as high as 27 degrees Celsius! This is when school just gets in the way! Who has time to come in and do homework, study for a test and get into bed at a decent hour so that morning isn’t quite as shocking to the system?

Sanj went out after supper with the chain-saw and started cleaning up the forest to make trails for the boys. He has big plans to create a ATV park for the boys.

The boys and I walked out there to check out the action. There is such a playground back there for the imagination!

When we lived in Florida, there was a great spot behind the apartments we lived in. I remember playing for hours in the woods.
I loved it! I had a whole separate world in my imagination. There is nothing like low hanging branches to create the perfect house. A creek makes an awesome kitchen. Leaves makes great furniture and walls. Sticks were handy utensils. Oh… the fun I had for hours!

The funny thing is I don’t really remember playing with anyone… though I am sure my brothers and friends were there too.
Maybe it was a great escape from real life… but I had the best time living in the woods.

As we helped clear branches, mucking in the mud, I saw a great escape… a great tree that would be a great umbrella for picnics, tons of places for awesome forts and barracks. Yet this time my mind’s eye sees it from my boys eyes. Forts and hiding spots for paint-balling and hanging out doing the things boys do.

In The Wild… I am so glad that God created this great playground for us to play in. Back to the Basics… imagination, nature and all that is right there.

Sometimes it just seems that there is so much that occupies the kids of today… computers, video games, t.v. Even when they are outside, there are other things that get them. They sometimes seem lost as to how to just be with nature… the real playground!

I really hope that we can capture that again this summer. That is one of the greatest things I love about camping… it is just you and the great outdoors.

I am really looking forward to playing too. I just have to make myself stop. Dishes, laundry, housework will all be there when I come back in…

It’s just time to go out and play!

It has been a perfect weekend as far as weekends go.

What makes a perfect weekend?

A night out with my hubby… the Rhema Dinner Auction was our Friday night escape… an enjoyable night with friends and good fellowship.

I love when friends call and say “We’re coming over for a visit…”
Saturday was beautiful! Windy… perfect for flying a kite!

BBQ… a little charcoaled chicken… Sanj’s speciality. lol

A little time on my porch swing… where I discovered this is draw for a couple of boys to come join me on the empty spots…
We even had quite a thunderstorm to enjoy!

Today we did a little of this and a little of that. There is a spot in the yard just past the porch that water seems to collect… we spent most of the weekend trying to keep the pups out…

Josh decided that it was just too much fun to leave alone… soon it was boy heaven… a little bit of mud and water… you would have thought is was mid summer… and not just 9 degree Celsius!

It was just a down kind of weekend!

Perfect!

I had a wonderful day so far… it really is amazing how much weather can effect me!

Josh and I had breakfast with some friends and then took the pups in for a little loving to Sanj’s office, then we went to a park and did a little one on one doggy training.

While the pups took a nap, Josh and I went to the zoo. Josh is afraid of cats… of any size now. The cougar was out (in his pen) and right there. Beautiful! Josh was scared. It was a theme. Even the reindeers were apparently scary! It was lovely though. the otters were the favorite of the day.

Then it was off to show and tell. The pups went to visit the classrooms. They were so good! I guess what is a few more kids petting and cuddling them! lol

They sleep through the night too! Wow, they are much better at the night time thing then any of my children were!

I am looking forward to a nice weekend even though they seem to be changing the weather forecast by the minute.
Hope you have a good weekend too!

Today I had a lovely visit with a friend and children. I am not sure but I think that this beautiful weather makes me more friendly.
It makes me want to have parties, BBQ and hug my friends.

I am looking forward to enjoying our property. When we moved mid September last year, it seemed winter came by immediately.
Yuk. So with the grass changing from a icky brown to various shades of green, I feel like my soul is filling up. I even feel like baking… it is just a feeling so far!

Today I was thinking of how important it is to love your self. Some people just seem to do so but for so many it is a process. For me, a long process. I am sure that I was projecting such insecurity that it just sent a message of “please leave me alone…”
I am not sure when I started to realize that I am worth the effort. Probably in university was when the seed was starting to sprout.

After children… definitely. When I had wee ones that were so dependent on me… I had to forget about my fears and inhibitions and grow up. Loving your self is a gift that you give to your children too. I don’t want my children to have such little self worth.
I realize that self esteem is a process that begins as a child and is a journey that each child takes.

How I treat myself is how others will treat me. Now days sometimes my head can get a bit swollen from all the compliments I shower on my self. Other day… it is pretty ugly.

I just hope that my children will never feel they have to throw themselves at anyone for friendship. I hope that they grow knowing that they are each a gift, special and unique all unto themselves.

I hope that they treat each of their friends and siblings with respect. That is a hard one. Siblings… the constant tug of war between love and hate. Yet RESPECT is a must… I am constantly struggling to keep them from crossing over to put downs and insults.

If you were to meet yourself… would you want to be friends (with yourself)?