Living Loving Breathing Boys

As I sit to write (again) I am hit with the realization that my house is a mess for this reason… if I stuck to the task and finished the dishes, or making breakfast (yes, at 11:37 a.m.) maybe things wouldn’t be so flustering… I am addicted to writing… to getting my thoughts out…more than a clean house or worrying about my kiddies bellies being full!

But here is my thoughts… it is about my brother. I am not sure he will appreciate me writing about him but oh well… I was looking at his pictures on Facebook last night from his vacation in Tampa. He is in Charlotte for a little stop on their way home.

My brother is 5 years younger than me. We talk almost every day. We are in many ways very alike. We are also in many ways very different.

The one thing we both strive for is normalcy in life despite not being normal. His personality is very similar to my dad. He is charismatic, the center of attention, and fearless to say whatever. I never know which one of his personalities will come forth. Time with him is always an adventure to some degree.

I never really thought about how hard it must have been to grow up as sons of my father. My brothers lacked the one of the fundamental things to becoming a man… some one to model for them.

I realize that this is the woes of many a young man and thanks to that of a strong mother… these boys become wonderful men regardless.

My brother has had quite a life. I always have said he has had a lucky streak. He is a gifted man with many talents. I am not going to bother listing them as I don’t want to be held accountable for his swollen head. lol

The point in writing this is to talk about breaking the cycle.

The cycle that we were in wasn’t the best. It had a few things that were great, somethings that were OK and many others that were just not acceptable to pass on.

As I watch my brother over the years as father… it has been weird. To me, he is still my little brother. But to his kids, he is quite a man. He is a father that is willing to reach past his comfort level and expose himself to things that he wants his children to experience.

I am so proud that he is able to do this. We didn’t have a dad that took us fishing or hiking. We didn’t play with our dad.
He didn’t have a dad that taught him to build things or fix things.

I have a husband that knows this stuff. I never really thought about how my brother would break this cycle and change it.
But he has. He was not too proud to take a fishing lesson (he lives in the big city) when on vacation. I am so proud of him.
I love this picture of him on his trip, fishing with his son. I love that he does these things with his children. I love that his children LOVE him. They can’t get enough of him… which I know can be annoying at times. But if you really thing of it,
what a HUGE compliment that is!

My brother takes his kids swimming, to the library and even to work. He is such a part of their lives. I know that the easy way out would be to say … I don’t know how to fish. I don’t get football or even like it. But he doesn’t. He continues to try because he knows that it will be important to do these things with his son.

So I had to stop in the middle of the chaos and write about breaking that cycle… it is so possible. i love watching people rise from pain and disappointment only to seek happiness and love.

I wrote a lot today. I feels good to me. Not sure if it makes sense to you but it was in my head and I just needed to write. For me writing is a lot like emptying that garbage icon on my computer. I was complaining to Sanj that my computer was running really slow. He pointed out my overflowing garbage can.

All week as I was driving the kids from here to there, I had thoughts, many thoughts running thorough my head.
If I don’t get it out, I feel like I am too full and running slow.

Today was a long day. There is a lot that needed to be done. I had to run the kids to point A,B and C. I helped Sanj get the trampoline up. Then there was the dread of lunch (breakfast was kind of skipped… yah, I know… most important…).

Just stuff that needed my attention.

I really had hoped for a nap with Josh… one of my favorite past-times. Yes, really he doesn’t need a nap… but somedays I NEEED him to. I usually can’t sleep in that time but I love to lay with him and read or type. I didn’t get that today. I think that made me grumpy.

One of the problems of being married to a workaholic is you feel like you have to be going too. I am going pretty much all day, especially in the summer with the kids home. Yet on the weekends, Sanj doesn’t stop. He isn’t the kind of workaholic that is in his office… he is the kind that just does not know HOW to relax.

This is not how he used to be. But as he gets older, he has become hyper… if I can use that word. Not my kind of hyper but rather he just does not know how to STOP. He goes from one thing to the other. Washing the car is his down time, I think.

Yesterday I told him I had a “Honey, Please DO” list. I may as well make that restless spirit work to my advantage. So the trampoline was the first thing. CHECK! Tomorrow is the task of making the sandbox. I actually would make it but don’t know quite how… so it goes on the list. Can’t wait.

Some of the simple pleasures in a life of a child is water and sand. The boys alway have had a sand pit of some kind at each of our houses. It is the kind of thing that occupies all of them. There is no age limit on water and sand.

So… back to my workaholic husband… I told him that weekends were becoming annoying with his constant need to be in motion.

I think that sometimes when life is stressful there is a need to constantly be busy… as down time results in too much think and worry time. My sweet husband is a natural worrier. Thankfully he worries enough for both of us!

Today he did take a bit of time and hit out his frustrations on some golf balls. Thankfully. I had a few hours of relief from the constant flurry of activity!

He was in bed by 8 p.m. or so saying “I don’t know why I am so tired!” Hum… I can answer that!

The other day I went out with some ladies to dinner and a movie. It was a night to connect with girlfriends and just relax with a chick flick. I love a good brainless movie. It is a great way for me to unwind.

At some point the obvious stresses of marriage and motherhood came up. It is never too far away.

It made me really think of how much marriage is a commitment. It made me think of how much a person must be willing to give to make that commitment work. It made me wonder at what point are you selling your soul to the devil.

I know that tears are a part of every marriage. It is definitely a part of parenthood. Is it that fine line where the smiles out number the tears? Or is it where just the promise of tomorrow together is enough to get through that moment?

It is so different. Life is so different. There are people with one easy child that deal with different issues… There are people with no kids that deal with other issues… There are the single parents that deal with a whole new set of issues. There are the mom, dad and kids that come with their issues.

But I think (this is only my thought at this moment)… that the key is appreciation. Do know what I mean?

Everybody is working hard. (We are excluding the dead beat situations here…) I am using my own home in this example…

Dad is off working hard to provide for his family. He has his constant stresses that come with his dad. Office drama, patient drama, haggling with payments from various institutions, paying the bill and more bills… house stuff to keep on top of, the extracurricular activities that have demand attention… Dad comes home and is then needing to meet the emotional needs of all those that greet him, including the pups. Phew! By the time bed time rolls around he is already processing things that need his attention when his eyes open…

Mom is up early, fighting the desire to crawl back in bed … as she is not a morning person. Breakfast, bathes, tidying, nagging to tidy, laundry, dishes, hugs, referee a battle, lunch, off to the creek/lake to burn off the gangs energy, figure out supper, pick up groceries, get gas, get home to hungry messy kids. Supper on, quick tidy, refereeing, laundry, supper, clean up supper, nag to clean up, (homework would be next if not for summer)… get little ones cleaned up, bed… hugs/kisses… tidy, spend time with hubby and if lucky, will get a few minutes to read or Facebook before hubby is complaining about the light on. Night.

Obviously this doesn’t begin to cover all that either does. It isn’t always fun. It is exhausting many a time. Who wouldn’t want a maid, cook, ocassional nanny?

When I have taken the time to first Figure Out what we are having for supper, then Shopped for the necessary ingredients, then Prepared it, Served it and then Cleaned it all…. If I am greeted with “Aw, I don’t like….. Can I have a sandwich…” Do you know what is coming out of my mouth…*&^^%$#@!

What is the biggest annoyance that stays with my well after meal time is the lack of gratitude.

Yah, I don’t like cooking 3 meals, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 365 days every year. NO i don’t. But I do it well at least 350 times because I love you.

If I hear, “Thanks Mom for supper.” I am at least not annoyed at having done it.

I am sure that dad feels the same. “I need more money… dear.” How he must hate hearing that. He is working his butt off and then some… and just needs to know that his efforts are appreciated.

Is it not all about being appreciated? Is it not about treating your spouse the same way you would want to be treated? Is it not about lack of selfishness and more of giving of ones self? Is it not about respect? Is it not about appreciating and being appreciated?

I am still figuring it out. I know that one of my first questions to God will be WHY DID HE MAKE US SO DIFFERENT? Aside from the obvious.. most women are such emotional creatures and most men are such physical creatures?

I need a hug and an “I love you.” He needs that physical expression of loving… words not so much.

If I teach my children to have an appreciation for the little things, clean clothes, a home-cooked meal… no matter WHAT it is, clean sheets, pee-free bathrooms, flushing, seats down, go out of their way to pick up or put away… they will be that much further to having happy futures.

As I type this, I realize that it all sounds to old fashion. But in my marriage, our roles are such for the most part. Just how it worked out… and works for us ( for the most part). Yet regardless of roles… appreciation is one of the fundaments of a happier relationship.

I remember being in Bible class in high school and the teacher/pastor said something along the lines of ” if your conscious stops nagging you, you know you are lost. God has given up on you.”

That has stayed with me. Of course I never stopped to really question the validity of it. It actually scares me a little of how much was spoon feed to me and I just ate it. I never even thought to question it.

My conscious… it can be an annoying thing. The need to do the right thing can be heavy.

When I asked my brother (the minister) about what the bible teacher said, his reply was “What do you think? Is that anywhere in the bible?”

Some people don’t have consciouses. How do you live like that? I wonder if my dad had a conscious? He never ever said sorry… For anything.

I feel guilty when I am angry at him for feeling hateful to him. Guilty. How come I feel that guilt? How come he doesn’t?
Or can you feel guilty of something and yet just live with it?

I worry about this gene in my children. When I see meanness… true meanness and no remorse… I worry. I worry a lot. OK, it might seem a little weird for me to worry if my child (ren) have sociopathic tendencies… but when the gene is in the family history is it really so crazy to worry?

It says that it is a disorder that one can not change … you can control it to some degree with meds but…

There were many traits that my dad had that were great. I actually am a lot like him. Characteristics.. good and bad come from him. Yet there are so many that I wish were not in his genetic pool.

Listening to your conscious is something that I need to teach my kids. Listen to that voice in your head. It usual doesn’t lead you astray.

Yet what if they don’t have that voice in their head???

I am writing this because it keeps coming up… usually once I write it, I feel better.

Maybe this is a great way to get wisdom… my question is how do I know if my kids all have a conscious?
Maybe if I didn’t have a dad that I did, I wouldn’t even question this.
Maybe I am crazy too.
Hum…
There is always that voice in my head that talks to me…

I Love You!

Three of my favorite words. Other favorites or “You’re SO Obnoxious!” “Get Outta Here!” These are words or phases that you will hear me say.

The other day I was explaining my friendship to someone… you know the kind where you love them, they really are your friend but (yah, the BUT) you may not choose to be with them all the time… in this case because they exhaust me. Too much energy and I find that I need to be emotionally prepared to be with them and enjoy.

She says to me “You don’t love her… you use that word to much. You can’t love that much.”

I have been pondering these words. Do I use the word love to much? Am I trivializing it?

I have lived in many different places. I have many so many friends that have spanned the last 20+ years. Most people are lucky if they have one very close friend. People of call this person their best friend. I have learned that rather than one best friend (whom I would name Sanj as the lucky recipient of that dubious title).

In high school I had one friend that I would say I was very close to. I think I have talked of her before… our friendship was very one-sided. I was the one who always talked about life, my thoughts, my crushes etc. She listened. She was a very good listener. Being a victim of abuse… she had her shield on constantly. Did I love her? Yes. I loved her for many reasons but mostly because when I was with her… I was real. I didn’t get to be me very often back then.

In university… I had a group of girlfriends. I had different levels of intimacy. I loved them dearly. How I miss them and just that time of always being together… always knowing someone had my back… always having a shoulder to cry on. I love them.
They were family. They were my family. Time has come and gone but with each of them I can pick up and just be… me.

There was a time after university and before marriage that I was floating. Not sure of what I was going to be and do I was just being… I was so glad that I had my friends to call and write. This was back in the day before email and texting! Despite the distance, as we went looking for our calling in life we still loved and lived. That is a bond that is still there with most of them.

I have my girlfriends that I have a different closeness to. We were two peas in a pod. Everyone knew we were sidekicks. Life has come at us in so many different ways, yet we are still as close as ever. That is small few that I would call my sisters. We have been there so many things and came out stronger in our love and friendship. These are the women I know that I will be on my porch sitting on my rocker, remembering the “good ole days” with.

I have many friends. It is one of the blessings I am so grateful for. It is one of those things money could never buy. Friendship and love.

In my present day, there are so many I love. It is a different kind of love. It is a sisterhood of love that comes from being on the journey of motherhood, wife and friend. There are teachers that I have grown to love and respect over time for their kindness, life experiences and generosity with both of those things.

There are parents that are going through the experience of motherhood that have become true pillars of strength and advice that I have come to love.

Of course there are so many friendships that start off as just having something in common…. that over the years grow into love and relationship.

So so I use the phase “I love you” loosely. Maybe to some. But I don’t think so. I love to love. I have the ability to love big and little. I have the ability to allow people into my life knowing there is a chance of hurt and pain. But I also truly believe that I would have rather loved you for a bit and become a bigger and better person for that moment of love than constantly shutting the door being to scared.

My husband is one of those people that constantly questions love. “How do you know you love your mom?” he has asked me as he questions it all… yet I just know that IF I DIDN”T LOVE YOU… I WOULD KNOW!

Love IS really what makes my world go round. I am so blessed to have so many that love me and that I can love back.
It really is worth the hurts and pains… you would not get to be you today if it wasn’t the pains of the past….

Love and Be Loved.

My older boys are into fashion. The main interest is golf fashion, at the moment.
The wackier the shorts, the better! Tyler picked this out all his own…. and wears them at least 3xs a week! lol

This one of Sammy was his moment of what… I am not sure. But it was too funny… especially when he saw the camera! 🙂

I have been picture taking more than usual this year. I have developed a knowledge for what I like in my pictures… what I see and am trying to capture.

Beauty. Yet my idea of beauty is constantly changing. Sometimes I am trying to capture the Beauty of Living… as in the blog below of Zachary. I love his zest for life. It is such a beautiful thing. It is draining, exhausting and annoying at times but I can never escape the raw beauty that he has for life.

Then there is the Beauty of Loving… as in capturing the essences of a relationship… whether it is between people or nature. I love this picture of Tyler and his pup. It says so much to me about them sharing a quiet moment.

As I have aged, I have hated having pictures taken of me. I never see me… but all I see is the changes that have happened over the years. I see the bumps on my faces that came for no apparent reason yet will not leave… I see the poundage (I am not even going to go there)… I see all that I don’t like about me.

I seem to always miss the beauty that is in the picture. There are not a lot of pictures of me compared to the others because I am always (by choice) behind the camera. But I have had to make a conscious decision to change that. Oh… I still HATE getting my picture taken. I am sure that isn’t going to change in the near future. But… I am teaching my children things… good and bad… all by my reactions…

Lately, in the last year, I have been snapping pictures of people that are in my life. Most of them I like/love very much. I am so delighted when I capture them in the perfect picture. Many respond the same as I would… ” I never like my picture or like what I see” but I guess the key is really WHAT OTHERS SEE! It is probably obvious what features you may not like about yourself… usually the first one is weight. Then there are wrinkles or a nose or many other flaws that haunt many of us.

But when I capture what I think is the perfect picture of you… I see so much more. Usual the first thing I try to capture is that smile. I try to capture the soul that is my friend. I try to get that beauty that is such a blessing in my life. I try to capture all things that have made you beautiful to me. That usually has nothing to do thing what you have on. Actually it is most never that is on the outside.

So if I find a “my perfect picture of you” know that it is how I see you. Beautiful.

You are beautiful to me. Your friendship is one of the beautiful things in my life.

It is so easy to criticize others … other families and other parents. I learned this the hard way… as I was growing up I always studied families. It was maybe one of the ways I escaped the craziness around me or maybe it was to some degree wistful thinking.

Regardless… I would often look at families, at the roles each played, make my assessment of the good, bad and ugly.

As I look back at those families though the eyes of a 40 year old mother and wife, how those opinions have changed.

How many times did I wonder why the wife was crabby or bossy while the husband seemed so sweet…

Now as a mother I can’t help but wonder how much sleep did that wife get, how often did SHE get out on her own, did she have help while she was cleaning, cooking and getting the children ready for us… the company?

This couple, the husband ended up cheating on his wife and his 4 sons. I remember being in shock as a older young adult digesting all this…

I think now of all the husbands that are out there, working their tails off, just to provide the people he loves most the things of life. I think of the pressure that they must be under to provide…. materially and financially and yet have enough left over at the end of the day to meet the emotional needs of those in his life.

I think of the family that I criticized (in my head) of spoiling and loving her kids too much. When I grow up… I am going to make sure I make my kids clean up after themselves…

Sure I am … that is what parents do. We TEACH our kiddies… yet there are also the many times that I am tired and know it is much faster for me to tidy up and let them watch TV so we can all be done… FASTER and WITHOUT NAGGING and BICKERING.

I didn’t know back then that YOU CAN NEVER REALLY LOVE TO MUCH… it is just something that happens…. Loving your child.

It is something that happens, when parents have to let go of a child because there is nothing they can do… but let them mess up and learn on there own.

So as I look back at 4 decades of thinking how much different I will do it with my own kids, I realize that I don’t do it much different. I am a nag, whiner and annoying. I pick up after my kids, love them too much and at the end of the day hope that I did make them pick up enough, loved them enough, spoiled them enough and where I have fallen short, they love me enough to forgive me.

I am so thankful for all those families in my life that should me what a perfect family really is… REAL… A perfect family is one that has the yelling, bickering, messes, dusty spots and tupperware cupboard that you better thrown it in quick and slam that door!

A perfect family is a family that is loving the best they possibly know how (most of the time), living the best they know how (most of the time) and making moments that they laugh so hard tears come.

Most people are complaining about the heat or the absence of it. I have to admit that I don’t mind. I love the absence of the humidity and sweating.

Yet I know… summer is all about that heat and sweat.

Right now it is cloudy and a lovely breeze is blowing in my window. My kids are wondering why I am always hot…. I wonder that too!

Summer has been good… so far. I can’t say we have done a lot of exciting things … because we have not done anything out of the ordinary. We have been home, gone swimming a far bit (finally making use of that Y membership), played at a creek… catching crayfish, golfed at bit (not me) and hung out with friends.

I am thinking of taking the boys camping for a few days. I like the idea of camping but hate the set up and take down. But I love the way the kids are occupied with nothing more than nature.

Sammy has his first JOB. It is a great one especially to get his feet wet in the big world of WORK. He is a play mate to one of Jordan’s classmates while his folks work. One day a week… and really he gets to play.

Tyler is eager to join too. So… if you want a babysitter/playmate, I got one for you!

Are people prejudice against boy babysitters? Not sure… I wonder if a boy would be asked over a girl? I never really had a boy babysitter because I didn’t know of any that were interested.

I remember my first job was a summer babysitting job… a boy and a girl… 3 and 5 years old. The mom was a single lady, pretty and had nice clothes. I was intrigued by her life. I remember seeing her stuff on the bathroom counter and being very intrigued.

I don’t really remember the kids too much but I do remember thinking what trust was bestowed upon me (I was probably Sammy’s age) and with them all day and few times a week. I felt like I was playing house and loved it.

Guess I had an early start at what was my destiny… at least part of it.

I am still wondering what God has in store for me… the next stage. But knowing that summer is only minus 3 months and counting… I am good with the occasion pondering.

Do others wonder what’s next? Or are people just riding the ride? Maybe I am a restless spirit… Or maybe I am just looking to the lotto that isn’t really there.

Ok… I am just having verbal diarrhea… I best get on with a day that has been calling me for a bit now!

Today is my sweet child’s birthday… I hope I will still be calling him sweet over the next bit… as he is entering his teenage years.

Lord, help me! Tyler is a beautiful child with a wonderful spirit. He is full of kindness and warmth. He is compassionate and thoughtful. He is one that is effected by other’s suffering and pain.

As he continues to grow into a young man, I wish him the continued passion which he approaches life (sometimes called obsessing about things….). I wish him the continued gift of gentleness and thoughtfulness.

He has always been my gentle giant. He is wearing a size 10 men’s shoe… He is going to be a big man.

He has not always had the easiest of times but it is his gentle spirit that continues to see him through the rough moments.

God gave you a big heart, Tyler. It is a gift. You make me proud of how you continue to use it over and over.
You are a cherished gift to me. How much I love you and am grateful that you are in my life.
Live each day, Tyler, with all you have.
Love each person in your life will all you have. ( That doesn’t have to apply to the opposite sex)! lol
Laugh that beautiful laugh that lets me know you are happy even when it has been a rough one.

You are a beautiful boy.
Be proud of all that God has blessed you with.
He made you and has BIG plans for you.
I love you so much.
Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!

As the news of Michael Jackson’s death takes over the media, I have to admit that I loved him.

Not a crazy fan kind of love, but rather I had a fascination of his life, his talent, his creative gifts to the world.
I was taken by his loneliness. I guess I just wanted to hug him (I suppose, like half the world). I wanted to be his friend… for no other reason than for him to have a friend.

OK… so maybe I was a crazy kind of fan.

His music just takes me back to so many different memories and emotions. I remember being sad with some songs, wanting to be loved with others and simply wanting to make the world better with others.

His music is timeless. My boys were just discovering his music… “Hey mom… listen to this song…” It was so funny.

And then he died.

I feel so sad … for many reasons but the biggest being for those poor children who lost a father.

I don’t have a lot to say that is different than all that is out there… just I just had to stop and write …
I just had to say… Rest in Peace, Michael.

I have been in love with Sanj forever. Even when he was too busy checking out the other fish in the sea, I was loving him. I am not sure what changed to make us both look at each other the same way… but on this day, 15 years ago… we promised to love each other.

Sanj is a person that has brought out ever emotion possible from me… and then some. He makes me the happiest, maddest, silliest, craziest, loveliest, ugliest, spoilest, corkiest, loudest, quietest… and on it goes.

I love him. It is just that simple. If I tried to explain, I’d be speechless. If I tried to write it, there would be a blank page. I love him.

I have grown up with him. I am so different from that young girl he dated so long ago. Yet, I am still so much that very person. He would never want that me of yesterday to go very far… Just I as love seeing that man that was just too grown up back then change into a grown up that can still play.

When I look around me … I see the last 15 years, the footprints are all around me.

Actually I see the 6 sets of footprints that follow us, look to us, love us and better us.

Life is such a gift. Each day is a gift. Life with Sanj each day…. is a gift that keeps giving, loving and growing.

To my best friend,
You have given me a life that I couldn’t even imagine back so long ago.
I am so thankful for you, your love, your friendship and your inability to say no to me! 🙂
That makes me thankful for my greatest gifts from you… my boys.
I love living most every day with you… and those that I don’t… well thankful they are only 24 hours! 🙂
I am so glad that God has blessed my life with a wonderful gift of your love.
I hope that I continue to make you laugh and cry. To make you proud and embarrassed. To keep you guessing…. for a very long time…

I love you.
Here’s to another 15 years… maybe a few extra for good behavior!
Happy Anniversary!

Happy Canada Day! It is an unusually quiet day at home. Normally we would have a BBQ and folks over. Maybe because it is the middle of the week or maybe because it has been rainy… it is just us.

So it is that kind of perfect day… rainy and cloudy… perfect for a nap.

I took some of the boys to the parade this morning. Rainy and wet yet it still was perfect. One of the pitfalls of a bigger family and having kids with age differences is that you know you did stuff with the older set with enthusiasm and zest the first time around. Yet the younger set has not had that experience. Example… the CN Tower. I know the older boys have gone up and we have great memories of walking on that horrid glass floor from way up top… yet the younger boys have only seen the Tower.

So as I was at the parade … and saw this look in Josh and Zach’s face… I got the privilege of looking at the parade through their eyes… seeing it all for the first time. “Look at that Horse… the Police… Oh look at the Soldiers!”

Sometimes living something through the second time is even better.

We came home… and are resting up so we can go see the Fireworks tonight. I really hope there isn’t a storm… as in the forecast.
I love nights like this. Just being out with people, waiting, munching, chatting… knowing that at this moment… life is good… actually very good!

Happy Canada Day… thank you to all those that fight for our safety… and freedom… in the Past and Present!

This weekend was full of family fun.
One of Sanj’s cousins came with his family for the weekend.
Our extended family was a big part of my memories growing up. We did alot with our cousins … played, fought, loved and lived.
To this day, they are a part of me.

When my dad was sick a few summers ago, while we were living through a nightmare, waiting for doctors in the family waiting room, in walked my cousin. I had not seen him in years. Yet there he was, flew in from Texas, saying he knew that it was not going to be easy, so there he was. How much that has meant to me. I love him so much for being family… in all that word means.

I have a lot of cousins in Maryland, and we would visit. I was always jealous of the fact that I did not have all those ties that they had with each other… Yet family is family. In the last years, there have been many trips there to say goodbye to aunts and uncles.
Despite the fact that we did not grow up there… we still have that connection. It is something that is evident as the years go bye.

So… as my boys grow, I wish them that definition of family as I have learned to appreciate. Uncles, aunts, cousins… it is such a wonderful time for the boys when they are surrounded by that special bond that comes with heritage… a shared history… a past and present.

This is how we spent the weekend. The boys enjoyed getting to know their cousins who are quite a bit younger than them. They loved playing with their uncles and aunts. It is one of those days that despite age differences there was bonding and building of relationships. I loved watching the connections made and develop.

This is a picture of the Indian Road Rally (so it looked like) that was happening!

Today I find myself in a snit. As I am cleaning (no doubt a huge part of being in a snit), I realize that I am coveting. Does the 10th Commandment not say, “Thy shalt not covet thy neighbor’s….” Yet I find myself coveting.

What am I coveting? Lots of things… buy mainly a simple life or rather a cleaner life. I also think that money would solve all my woes. Yet I know that not to be true. Yet I can’t help but want to find out.

I would buy housekeeping serves… full-time…. this would include cooking, cleaning, laundry and groceries.
So what WOULD I do? Play. I would love to play with my kids… rather than nag them to clean… pick up and just be helpful.

I would love to write all the time… I would take some classes…. I would travel… I would just be…. without worries.

OK… I realize that money comes with a whole new set of problems… but I would like to find them out myself. lol

I am whining. I let go of my cleaning lady… in efforts to save those pennies or spend them elsewhere. But even though it hasn’t been a full day… I am cranky. I guess I have this picture in my head of a house that runs efficiently after I say things once. I guess I have this image of the boys making their beds, picking up towels, tidying up the bathroom, doing their laundry all without being told.

Yet here it is only a few hours after my little “loud talk” of being more helpful and thoughtful…. and I am not sure I have been heard.

Yet, I want my sons to be men that take care of themselves and their things well. I want to raise men that do without out needing to be told or nagged. But I know that part of my job as their mom is to nag now so that someone else will reap the rewards of my efforts. lol

So as I covet my neighbour somewhere that seems to have it all… I will continue to be in a snit for a bit longer and then we will go play… till there is reason to be in a snit again.

My baby is 14 years old. Wow. I can remember drinking castor oil with hopes that this being inside of me would begin the process of wanting to come out. I was 4 days over due. There was so much anticipation of this babe. He was the first grandchild on both sides as well as first for the uncles. Excitement! Fear! Joy! Love!

Sammy was my world. How I loved enjoying the FIRST of everything. How I loved being mom to him. I was so in love with him. I hated handing him over to allow others (and there were plenty of others) to hold. I could have held him forever.

Lots of years later… I feel that same way. I love this boy of mine. He can make my day with a “I love you, Mom.” He can rattle my world as I know the time is coming to let him grow into who he is meant to be. I can only imagine the man he is sure to grow into… the lives of many he will continue to touch.

So… as I remember those days so long ago… I can see the growth in both of us. I thank God for this wonderful boy and the joy and love he has added to my life.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy. How I love you and wish you so much love and happiness for so many years to come.
You are my special treat from God.

Honesty… that is what I hear over and over… when I get a comment about a blog I have written.

The one I wrote not to long ago called…. Crazy . Sanj’s comment was “honest, very honest.”

OK… here is the thing. I am writing with the assumption that there is not a perfect family out there. I am writing with the assumption that most parents mess up. Now I realize this may not be the truth for some… but I am pretending that perfection is not a reality.

Maybe I am in denial… but if so… those of you with perfect families and perfect parenting skills… please just be quiet and let me live in my world.

I assume that most people love their children to death and would do anything for them… yet can’t help but be driven crazy by them once in a while. Or maybe this is just me… with kids that outnumber me!

I assume most people have families full of issues. But maybe I just make myself feel better thinking this.

Regardless… I write for the number one reason to express and release emotions. I love how writing leaves me feeling like I just had a good yawn… a great exhale of breathe. I love how I understand myself better as I read what I wrote. Silly, but I may not always know the thoughts that will come out … yet then realize that is just what I needed to vent.

I write for me. Sometimes I write for my kids. Sometimes I write knowing that someone I love needs to hear my thoughts.
Regardless… I am a “what you see is what there is” kinda person. If you want to know… just ask. Because chances are, if I want to know, I will ask you.

So I am not scared of saying the things on my mind most of the time… because it makes me feel better. It has a similar effect of diving into a bucket of mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Honesty … sometimes it is all there is.

Today is my dad’s 75th birthday.

It is quite a miracle that he has made it to this date. He literally was on death’s door, the doctors had all but written his time of death… and then there he was… back.

If you have been following my blog, you know that my relationship with my dad has been one of many mixed emotions.

I thought of him today …wishing him a happy day… and felt good about the place where my emotions lie.

It is still a mixture of many feelings that day to day… week to week… month to month.

I am glad that God gave him these extra years, if for no other reason than for me to work it out in my head and heart.

My dad is so complicated. I am sure even he does not figure himself out. But as I reflect on this man that is a part of my being
I can celebrate survival… I can appreciate the me that is from him… I can even understand more of those pieces of the puzzle that make him.

I am glad that God sees in him all things that are bright and beautiful.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Life is full of stuff. Good stuff, like this weekend… celebrating fathers. Not everyone gets to celebrate that … it especially sucks when it is a child. I saw this posting on Facebook of one of the children from a family we hung with. Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad has chosen not to be around. It hurt me to read this. Nothing and nobody can make that moment better.

So we need to teach our children to love their dads that are loving them actively each day. It is a gift.

One of my favorites spots at home is around the fire pit. I love it. I love fire. I love poking at it and throwing things in it. I am a bad example for my kids… but yet again, I do understand their fascination with the fire. I love the relaxation that the fire pulls out of me. I love watching the sunset, the clouds go by and the smell of smoke that is seeping into your being.

Then there is the stuff in that is just a bummer to deal with. I was thinking of some of the battles some child have to fight. Some kids just have the whole package… maybe. Others have to fight with various issues. As I watch some of my children deal with issues unique only to them, I feel so helpless.

I wish my genes were perfect. I wish that life was just easy. I wish that as a parent, I had stronger will power or that “stick-to-it” ability. I wish I did all the those I knew/know to do. I wish…

Yet all I can do is continue to give my children the tools to empower them, tools that will teach them how to be the best they an be… or almost the best they can be.

I was thinking of love… what a gift that is. Love for a child is a gift to a child. Not everyone gets that loving parent. Not everyone gets a lesson in how to… sometimes it’s just a guessing game. Sometimes you get to see why God made children so forgiving and resilient.

I was thinking of goodbyes today … there are so many changes in our lives right now. Lots of changes at school and then this weekend we said good bye to our pastor at our church. I wasn’t really ready for the assault of emotions that flooded me. Yet, this church… and more specifically our pastor… helped me find my faith. What I mean by that is to see Christ, church, religion all for me… a grown up and what worked for me… not because my mom/dad told me so.

Finding my adult relationship with Christ was first about finding the true meaning of Christians. It was understanding that they didn’t belong to a particular faith… but rather it was all about relationships. It was such a scary step… to walk out from all that was “safe” and seek what I really believed and needed.

When we started to go to this church, what I so appreciated about our pastor was he did not try to convert us. He listened and understood us and the journey we were on… Looking for a place to Belong, Believe and Become Like Jesus. I loved that.
I love that we didn’t have to fit to belong. Does that make sense?

So as I sat in church… I was surprised at the flurry of emotions that came forth. I am so grateful to this man for the acceptance we received. It was that lack of acceptance that caused us to walk away from church as we knew it, in the first place.

So… as I continue my own personal battle with church… and me… I appreciate the people that God put in my path to help me grow. So… I was sad to say bye. Yet excited as I know God will use this family.

So I had a lot of thoughts today! 🙂 Not to mention it was the beginning of the first week of summer. It was a full day. Yet it was a good day.

Happy Father’s Day!

Dads make the world go around! Dads build, fix, wrestle, teach, hug, play, race, demolish and love. There are so many verbs that can be listed. If you are lucky enough to have a dad that is a Verb… this day is for them!

My boys have an amazing father. He loves them with all he is. He works like a dog to give them a good life. He plays just as hard… golf, hockey, paintball… I am not sure who is the better kid when they play.

There are so many things that I hope that my boys inherit from their father…
His ability to love… and his loyalty. Don’t mess with his people!
His work ethic…
His stick-to-it ability.
His love for fitness.
His love and talent for music.
His love for school.
His love for all things neat. (OCD… lol)
His selflessness.
His good genes.
His love to play.
His love.

If my boys are half the man their father is … this world will be in good shape.
Happy Fathers Day to my wonderful hubby.