Living Loving Breathing Boys

I feel sick to my stomach.

Is it sympathy pains?  My Max is still throwing up after every meal.   This is week eight… Ridiculous.

We are off to Sick Kids in Toronto today.   I was hoping and praying that it would just be gone… this thing that has him throwing up.  We had such a busy weekend… and through it all Max was a trooper.

Last night we went to the Mongolian Grill to celebrate Sammy’s birthday…  with a few of his friends and my brother’s family.  Max ate and then threw up.  He ate more than threw up.  He ate and then threw up.

This is my Max.

Resilient.

I am feeling the stress of this day.  I want answers.  I want a fix.  Yet I have this fear of the unknown.  I have this fear of the dreaded IV.  I have a fear of the answers too.

Last night I tossed and turned as I dreamed of taking Max to the hospital.  It was a crazy dream of mismatched bits.

I am asking everyone to pray… if you don’t mind.  I won’t lie. I am scared.  I know that once I get there, to the hospital, I’ll be in a mode.  I will hold my babe’s hand as they do things to him.  I’ll be strong… and find that super strenght that comes from only above.

And yet… I’ll be scared out of my mind.

I asked him… “Max, did you swallow a  hockey puck?”  He denies it.

My brother and family are leaving today.  It is the first week of summer.  It’s not the way I saw summer starting.  Yet… it’s the hand that we are dealt.  So I will have to deal with this reality.

Dear Jesus,

I am coming to You, scared, tired, so exhausted for my Max.  Jesus, he has been sick a long time.  Please help us help him.  Please equip the doctors with knowledge of what is wrong with Max.  Please heal him.  Please.

Keep things calm at home while I am off...

Jesus… please heal my baby!

Please! I love you, Jesus.

So much.

Amen.

And Thank You!

✟

Sweet 16!

Is it sweet sixteen when you are a boy?  My Sammy is turning sixteen years old in a few hours!  How is that possible?

I remember being pregnant with him, pacing the living room, 5 days overdue, ready for him to make his appearance.  I was having contractions, timing them, wondering if this was really it because the pains weren’t really bad and I had been anticipating the worst! Little did I know!

We went to the hospital around 2-3 am in the morning.  I can remember it so well.  Everyone was there.  EVERYONE!  My parents, my in-laws, my brother-in-law, Sanj’s cousin… all waiting.  I remember being so scared.

I was so ready for this moment… to be a mom.

I remember my first glance at Sammy… he had all that white gunk on him and looked a bit strange.  I can’t lie, I was a little worried about how I was going to love this strange looking being!  Then they washed him and yes, he was gorgeous … but once we made that first eye contact, it was just simply love. He was all mine.    Life after that was truly all about Sammy.

Not much has changed over the years.

lol

My boy is becoming a man.  I am so proud of who he is becoming.  Oh, don’t get me wrong.. he drives me crazy many a time… and yet I love that we can come out of that moment or days being back to “us.”

Sammy … my sweet boy soon to be man… I love you with all my heart.  I always will, no matter how much you drive me crazy.  Alway know that.  The whole world is in for a real treat as you make your way into in as a man… on your own terms.  Show them what  you have, my baby boy!  You are amazing!

I love you!

Happy 16th Birthday, Sammy!

“Choose you this day, tell me who will you serve ..

Let nothing stand in your way

Give the praise He deserves

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

As I busied myself Friday, readying our house for this special day, the day that my boys were to be baptized and demonstrate their love for Jesus in front of all their friends and family… this song kept going through my head.

I love a party.  I love being surrounded by the people I love so much.  I love food, fun and fellowship.  I love hearing the laughter waffle through the air… the easiness of which people drop their worries and just relax.

Add to this mix that my boys were making a stand for Jesus… that they love Him and chose to live their with Him by their side… made this a very special, extra special, day.

Our family from the States came up.  Our family is very special to my boys.  They are loved by their aunties and uncles unconditionally.  The boys adore them back.  Having them here was like Christmas for the boys and they were the presents.

There were obstacles.  Many of them… the weather… thunderstorms were called for all day… the skis were ominous.  The grey clouds hovered all around us throughout the evening and yet despite the bits of spitting rain, the storms held off.

There was Max and his health.  He is still sick… throwing up… still.   And yet, God granted him strength to keep strong through this weekend.

It was incredible.  I think we had over 150 surround my boys as they stood with their brothers in the freezing waters of the pool and were baptized.

Each child had someone special speak of them and their character and left them with a special Bible verse.

It is one of those moments… that words can not express the joy and pride that flooded my heart as I watched my babes go under the water.  I felt tears as I watched the youngest of the bunch, my Zach, grab my  brother’s arm (my youngest brother did the baptism), a look of vulnerability passing his face as he held on ready to be baptized.

How much I love my boys.   As I thought of this and felt my heart overflow I had to pause and only imagine how much my God must love me.  I can only imagine if my human nature allows me to love so deeply,  how much more God must adore me in His greatness.

I can only image the celebration in heaven happening, as we celebrated here at home.

It was a beautiful moment.

It’s all over!

Josh has leaped over the jump rope from SK onto Grade 1.

We are leaving Sk behind forever.

Hard to believe.

All Done.

There is a rumblie in my tumblie…

I am feeling a little discombobulated… this morning.  Yesterday was one of those perfect days… the boys were in the pool having a blast, my mom had made a delicious supper of curry and the weather was spectacular… and then I had to nag and call the boys out of the pool and to get into bed when just vegging out would have been just perfect.

This morning my tummy is rumbling.  As I have written, Friday there will be a 100+ people here to celebrate the baptism of the boys and end of school year.  This is an outdoor party.  The forecast as of this morning on the weather network is calling for thunderstorms and 70% chance of rain.

Here’s the thing, I really do have faith… I believe that God cares about worries, even of the little kind, such as weather.  And yet, I am being put to the test…  I told Sanj the weather forecast and he looked at me, smiled and said, “I thought you had faith.”

Darn.

I do.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  (Heb. 11:1)

Funny how these verses just pop into my head.

I believe, Jesus.

This morning I am off to Oshawa to see my dad for a little visit.  That always causes some rumblings in my tummy.

This evening Josh will jump, crawl, leap or skip over the rope into Grade 1.  This is causing some rumblings in my tummy too.   I feel all these emotions flooding my heart.  Six of my boys will have jumped over that rope after today.  That’s it.  No more Sugarbush trips, no more Apple Orchard trips, no more Secret Sacks or Show and Tell…

My son is so excited to wear his tux tonight.  He will be styling… it’s what he does.

He will be grinning his toothless grin.

He will no doubt be silly.

I hope he behaves.

Goodbye JK.

Thank You, Mrs. Herder.

My tummy is rumbling.

It’s going to be a full day.

Faith.

Is.

The.

Substance.

Of.

Things.

Hoped.

For.

❤

My Max is a special sort.

He has such a unique sense of humor.
He is actually hilarious!

Max had a very special Father’s Day present for Sanj.

Sanj has a very special love for his truck.  The Denali is his deep dark secret love… whether he admits it or not… we all know the truth.

Max came to me and told me what he wanted to buy Sanj for Father’s Day.

When he told me, I laughed so hard.  I was actually jealous that he came up with this gift.

Here is the story in pictures, despite the fact that the photos aren’t the greatest quality:

(The first expression… appalled.)

(Can you see the gift?  It’s a Hula Girl for the dash of his beloved truck!)

(Sanj seeing the humor in this gift!)

Missing is the picture of Sanj crying when he sees the Hulu Girl actually on his dash!

I love my boys!

Happy Father’s Day…

My kids are so blessed and for the most part don’t even know it.  That’s one of those blessing… when you are blissfully unaware of how good you really have it.

The boys have a dad that is smorgasbord of all the qualities one can wish for with  just a dash of imperfection that makes him human.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…

Of course I could keep adding photo after photo but I’m sure you can see, there are many sides to this wonderful man my boys have the privilege of calling Daddy.

Thank You, God, for this wonderful man, Sanj… who completes our home with his endless love and devotion to our family.  How much I love him!

Thank you for the gift of fathers!

Amen

For the next week, I will be stalking the weather… since I will have a 100 people at our house on Friday.  I need a beautiful day… preferrably not too hot or rainy.

Thursday it showed possibility of thundershowers.  Yikes.

Yesterday it showed a sun/cloud mix and high of 19 Celcius.

Today it is showing sun/cloud mix with a high of 21 Celsius.  This, I can live with.

So… begins my weather prayers…

(Please, Dear God,  in between all Your really important stuff, could You please bless us with a beautiful day on Friday… Please? Thank you ahead of time! I love You.  Amen).

While talking about Friday.. 6 more sleeps till school is OUT for my younger crew!  Yahoo!!!

Last night we went and say Mr. Popper’s Penguin… I am not a Jim Carrey fan but he did good in this movie and the movie was very cute.

Jim Carrey’s character is a divorced dad who has an apartment that would make a OCD person cry for joy.  I looked over at Sanj and said, “That’s your dream, isn’t it?” He didn’t even lie!

Then Sanj looks at me after a few minutes and said, “It’s going to get all wrecked.  I hate when they wreck a neat place.” I turned away because I wasn’t sure if he might start crying! lol

My poor dear… life in a house with 6 boys and a wife who really doesn’t cater to the needs of an OCD person must be really hard to cope with.

I keep telling him, there are pills out there that would help!

It’s gorgeous outside!  The pool is up and absolutely FREEZING yet some of the boys braved the frigid waters just to be in it.  Brrr…

My sweet Max is still throwing up but it has definitely improved from earlier in the week.  At the movies last night, Max had one hand with his popcorn and the other hand for his throw up container…. and then some point in the movie, he spilled the vomit on himself.

Oh My Goodness!

&

Lord Have Mercy!!!

xoxo

It’s Friday… I’ve missed a whole week in the real world!

SO MUCH TO DO!!!

(My Sammy long boarding… I have to be sneaky taking the pictures as he is too cool to be photographed normally!)

Monday… Josh graduates from Senior Kindergarten!

How is that possible?  I suppose that it has been a good thing that I have been so out of touch with reality because I haven’t had time to focus on things such as my baby is moving onward to a full day of school.  He will be jumping over the jump rope into Grade 1.  My days will be void of any of my babes, next year.  As much as I am ready for this phase of life… I find my throat tightening and my heart racing.  I fill like I am empty nesting in a weird way.  Josh wants a tux for his grad.  I love this kid!  He is so crazy… in every sense of the word, good and bad! lol

Sunday… Father’s Day!

Guess I should back up… there is the weekend to get through, first.  Saturday my mom comes… so that means help is on the way for laundry and meals.  Yah!  It is also my father-in-law’s birthday so we will go there to celebrate this.  Then there is Father’s Day… this is a day full of hockey as this is the first day for 3 on 3 Hockey for the boys. (Ugh).

Tuesday to Thursday…

I am sure there are many field trips for the boys as the school year wraps up… and I will be juggling this in between getting our house ready for company…

Friday…

We will be having all sorts of family and friends joining us for the baptism of the 5 older boys and a BBQ to celebrate the end of the school year!  There are a lot of folks coming, which is awesome… and yet right now, there is rain and lightening in the forecast.  Please… could you pray with me…
(Dear God… I really need this today to be perfect… there are too many folks to fit into our house and it is a celebration that needs to be outside.  Lord, please bless us with a perfect day… and thank you ahead of time for answering this prayer! I love you! AMEN)

Did I mention that in 10 sleeps my little guy, Sammy is turning 16 years old?

How did that happen?  Is that possible?

Where did the time go???

How badly I have needed to write… and yet I didn’t have access to internet and WiFi for the last 4 days and I forgot to grab a notebook.

Maxwell, my sweet, easy going #4 child was admitted on Sunday afternoon… with major vomiting of anything within a few minutes of entering his tummy.  There were  IV stresses, harder due to his dehydrated state… and add that I HATE needles… I told him to squeeze my hand if he wanted to and yet ended up squeezing his hand so hard as they stuck him that I am not sure which hurt more! lol  There were the rounds of X-rays, the barium swallow, ultrasounds and blood work…  all which showed up normal (Thank you, Jesus).

(Max, feeling at home, notice the socks on the floor already!)

Then there was the admitting, the realization followed by the scamble of how how to make life continue for the other 5 boys as smoothly as possible.  There is the constant fear of what if?  There is the realization that a cot will be my bed for the night(s).

When you have a family our size.. it really does take a village when life presents a bump in the road.  We are so blessed to be part of an amazing community… that goes above and beyond to lend a hand.

It is humbling and overwhelming all together.

Each of my boys has a family that I know I can call and “farm them off” if needed… that is so reassuring knowing that they are happy to be off… especially on a school night.  The others came and hung out in the room with Max, playing Wii.. they had there.  I was usually kicking Sanj and the boys out every night as they battled each other on the Wii every night.

(Brotherly bonding over a little Wii.)

It’s been a rough few days, I won’t lie.  I am not cut out to deal with vomit, period.  And yet, the last days I have been handling it ALOT!  My own stomach has been feeling off… but I realized it is just stressed with the constant handling of the vomit.

Max is a trooper.  He is brave… resilient and calm.  He is patient and tolerant.  I am so grateful of his calm nature in dealing with this… it has made it so much more bareable.

The verdict was still possibly reflux or viral gastroporesis… which means they are not sure what to do then let it run it’s course.

The nurses on the ped floor were fabulous.  They were so kind, gentle and reassuring.  They went out of their way to make our stay there alright.  They gave tips on what to ask the doctor or called him themselves.

Sigh.

We are home.  Yesterday, Max had a really good day.  It felt so good to leave and come home.

HOME!

The vomiting has started again… so we will see where we go…

and yet through all this God has showed His goodness through the notes of encouragement and the promise of prayers on behalf of Max.

Thank you!

Today is a big day for me…

Drum Roll ♩♫♬♬♬♩♩♩…

Today I stepped on the scale that awaits me every morning (yes, I know I shouldn’t weigh myself everyday… but I do)  and alas… the numbers finally showed what I have been awaiting a very long time for…  I am finally at the number that I was before I had Josh!  Wahoo!

It’s no secret I hate exercising and have a love affair with food… so the battle of the bulge is pretty pathetic!

Now… I still have a bit to go before I reach the number or look I have in mind.  Sammy asked me, as he heard me bragging to my brother, “Are you as small as you were before you had me?” Hum.. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!  I was a size 0…  and couldn’t gain weight even if I try!  That’s not my issue now… trust me!

Anyways… I was pretty delighted.  It may not a significant difference to those that see me everyday… but I hope when my brother comes for the baptism… he’ll say.. Wow…Great job!  (Hint)

It’s been a rough week emotionally… I was feeling pretty beat up.  Yesterday, since as my shorts were literally falling down… I decided it was time for some retail therapy.

I am looking for something to wear to Josh’s SK graduation.  This is  MY LAST ONE that will jump the rope into Grade 1.  🙁  How is that possible?  And yet I am ready … I think).

So, this morning I went to the mall having an hour to kill before I had to pick up one of the boys for an appointment.

I met a former Rhema mom in the food court.  They were at our school just one year… we ended up chatting and she was very helpful in helping me find things to try on.

We got talking about breast reductions. (Don’t ask why…)  I told her I had one before Josh… and as she asked if there was too much scarring.  I was wearing a button down shirt and before I could think it through, showed her my nipple.. discreetly, of course.   (Well, I hope it was discreet… the store was pretty empty).
My Filter failed me.  I asked her something and she said, “Well, you just should me your nipple.. so I am sure it is fine.”

Oh dear… I guess until she said that I didn’t even clue in that this could have been  uncomfortable.  Yet, she said that just made her really like me… lol

Sanj, on the other hand, was appalled.

Of course, I do live to see his appalled looked! lol

Sigh.  I am struggling a bit with my diabetes, which means I need to go in and see my doctor and really get serious about exercising 30 minutes at day.  That seems to be the only way my sugars stay in the range their are suppose to be.

Genetics can suck.

I am rambling… but it feels good.  Big storm last night… lots of trees down, power outage everywhere and the boys were sent home at noon due to these issues… especially the lack of water!  My lunch plans were put on hold… It can be a full time job keeping up with all my buddies. lol

Since it is 14 days till school’s out, I am not going to feel guilty about my little time outs.

Yikes… how did it get to only 14 days?

OK… I am off.

Night.

☽

I am wondering at the extreme opposite it seems that we are as men and women.  I am not sure if this is a gender thing or a personality thing.

Does the man in your life (or DO YOU… if you are a male reading this) have a best friend  that is a male?  I mean a real friend… that they can bare their hearts to?

Why is it that this is such a rare thing?  I do know some men that do have that best buddy, so it isn’t impossible.  Yet it seems that when men get together there is such superficialness in their friendships.  How come?  How long can you talk about the Stanley Cup playoff or what ever issue is in the news, or their vehicles, or their kids or golf or any other topic that doesn’t bare their soul?

Or do men not have that need to be more than superficial?

I remember my girlfriend saying that her husband finds this so hard, as he is not into the usual male bonding stuff of sports etc.  She was saying how he wishes that he could have what we, as girlfriends have… a real relationship that goes beyond the shallow stuff.

Do women have this?  I have this with a few people… I hate the superficial stuff.  I want to know you… I want to know what’s in you and want to have that trust and friendship that allows for this true real relationship.

There have been so many times when we have gone out with a bunch of couples that one of the men wanders over to where the ladies are chattering simply because our conversation is much more titillating.

I notice that so many men need to have that beer, it seems, to go with their guys night out.  It seems that there is always that awkward few minutes of companionship, till a drink works it’s magic and then it seems that the men just can be… they are total different beings.

Why is that?

It seems that men need to be doing something.. golfing and hanging or shooting pool and hanging … they seems to need to do something.

I apologize for clumping all men in this catorgory… I realize that isn’t true.

Yet… it still remains that there are so many that do not have a buddy they can just hang with.

I so often see women hanging out and clicking with each other and then looking at their men… and then  we do what we do… “We should really get the guys out… they seem to be having a good time…”

Do we not?

Maybe our men are happy as they are… maybe they don’t need that bonding thing.  Maybe they are happy living life as what we would see as maybe lonely.

Who knows.

If you do, I’d love to know…

Men are forever saying it is so much easier to be friends with women.  And yet, once married, is it appropriate? Do we want our husband having a best buddy that is female besides us?   Probably not.

As I raise a houseful of boys to men… I wonder about this.  How does it work?  How can I raise my boys to be healthy men with strong friendships?  Is it important for males?  I do hope, as I have said many a time before, that my boys become friends… real friends as they grow up.  I hope that they have a special bond with one of their siblings.

My boys make fun of the number of times my brother may call me in a week… and yet I hope that they see that specialness there.  I really think it sucks when brothers, who love each other, make no effort to be more than blood relations.  🙁

So… Is this a gender thing?  Or a personality thing?  Can you explain it to me? Or men just happy being as they are …or do they yearn for that friendship with a fellow buddy?

♥

It’s Monday… usually I do not like a Monday but today I am home!

I usually would not add an exclaimation mark after saying that I am home today, but it has been a long time since I have been just home.  There is so much to do that I haven’t been around to do.  Just after a weekend, the house is usually left like a bomb exploded… and there is always laudry to sort through and stuff that I need to sort through…etc.  Since we will be having a ton of company at the end of the month… I am feeling a little bit more motivated.

Did I mention my boys (some of them) are getting baptized?  We are doing the service in our yard, in our little pool (which I’d better set up and make sure there are no leaks… ) and then a BBQ to celebrate the boys’ decision and the end of school, the start of summer.

It has been interesting for me to go through this journey with the boys… especially being raised an Adventist and moving away from a specific faith and raising my boys to love Jesus and understand the meaning of being a real Christian has been such a journey for me.

I have been frowned upon, dismissed, and chastised if you will by many for this choice… and for a while I felt hurt from that response.  Yet as I have studied with the boys, as we talk about why and what of our faith… I have learned so much.

I have learned that rather than being hurt, I feel pity for those that do not have an open mind.  I feel embarrassed (and saddened) for behaviors of those (especially family) that put themselves above others just because they believe their “faith” is superior.

I find it fasinating that many know that some of the doctrines they grew up with are weak and yet still due to “tradition” follow because it is easy.  I am sometimes in shock of what I learned as a child is still with me, even though I know it not to be true.

An example of this.. my father taught us over and over… If you do something wrong and don’t ask for forgiveness, you will not go to heaven. Yet… as much as I know this is not true… I still struggle with that thought often.  I still feel guilt over sins that I have done… and have asked forgiveness over and yet… worry over my salvation.

It is so hard for me to re-train my head to know that I will be saved because of and through Jesus’ love.  I find it hard to remember that Jesus isn’t looking at my daily mistakes and waiting for me to fail and remember to ask for forgiveness.

What a relief!

Do you ever find yourself dreaming of heaven?  Of leaving all this “stuff” here on earth and just living as we were meant to?

I do.

And I know in my heart that God has a special place there just for me… and you.  It isn’t about my works… about my deeds… but about my heart.

As I raise my boys with this thought, this knowledge, I am relieved to know that they don’t have to worry about their deeds… but they are loving Jesus and it is that simple.

I am raising my boys to be respectful of all religions and beliefs … that one is not better than another.

I wonder is some will be surprised at all the various faiths there will be in heaven?

I am so grateful for the freedom there is in Jesus… not in a church.

I am teaching my boys about being a Christian.

I am teaching my boys to love Jesus.

Really, it is that simple.

I love that!

♥

“Mommy, what does HOPE mean?” Josh asked as we walked to the lite up sign that spelled HOPE.

Friday night our school property was the site for the Relay for Life event.  I love this event because it is something that the children can be part of.  Our school had 2 teams… one that Tyler was part of, the alumni group (very cool) and a group that Jordan was part of, made of the 7/8 classes this year.    Sanj and his partner in crime, Allan Hill braved the rains that came during the night to supervise the kids.

Last year at this event I was there, walking around the track with a fellow mom, who was in the midst of the fight for her life… battling breast cancer.  I remember the heaviness that filled my heart.  Her head was bald from the effects of the chemo and radiation.  She was sporting a knit cap that her sister had given her.  She was someone that I felt such admiration for… she didn’t complain… she just fought… hard… for her kids.  Her youngest daughter was in Tyler’s class… about to graduate from grade 8.  My friend has dreams.. big ones that surpassed watching her daugher’s 8th grade grad… dreams like being there for her high school years, watching her grow into a woman and see her walking down the isle on her wedding day, enjoying her grand babies…

My friend had dreams… those dreams that every mom has… and as we walked around the track remembering those that had passed, celebrating those that had won the fight and cheering those that were fighting, I found myself praying really hard… a mom needs to be there for her child.

I had faith and hope in a miracle.  I needed to believe in that miracle… for her and yet for me.  I needed to see God in this story… there have been too many loses… it seems and this story… I really needed a happy ever after…

This Friday, as we walked around the track, my friend and I, with her hair, a sweet little do… as her hair continues to grow back… she was smiling from inside out and on this day as we walked around the track… celebrating another year in her daughter’s life… I saw and felt what hope was… I saw and felt what faith was…  I was holding the hand of a walking miracle.

As my sweet Josh asked what HOPE meant… I wanted to say to him… Just look at Mrs. Zwart… she is HOPE… she is FAITH… she is a MIRACLE.

My friend… she still has treatments every 3 weeks and continues to heal.  And yet… that’s because her story will keep on going.

And yet… there are so many that have lost a dear one… there are so many tears.. there are so many loved ones missed…

As we were walking around the circle, the crowd stopped… and it looked like everyone was looking at this cross that someone had put up… Sanj whispered to me.. “Who put the cross up?  It is very cool.”  It was like God was there whispering comfort… someday soon… we will all be together, reunited with all those that the diease had taken.

The interesting thing was it wasn’t a cross.. it was the hydro pole… yet the lighting fell on it just so… giving the illusion of a cross.

A God Thing.

We must continue to fight, to raise funds, to support, encourage and do all the things that need doing to support those that are fighting this awful disease…  we must continue to HOPE … for a cure… for that miracle… and know that one day… it will all end.

This life here is a short one… we must keep the faith of the life that is coming… where there will be no more sickness or pain.

I can’t wait!!!

Sometimes life is about getting hurt and learning to get up again…

I remember when I was in grade 4 or so… seeing my aunt out on the playground during recess and running to her…  I stumbled on the gravel and hit my forehead really hard… hard enough to go the ER and have them check me out.  I was fine but I had the worst scrape on my forehead.

I remember being in grade school and hearing one of the snotty girl in my class making fun of my brother’s clothes… right in front of me.

I remember not being asked to a banquet (the SDA version of a dance)… and pretending it was ok.

Hurts… then there are the big ones.

My first broken heart.

The first time my parents let me down.

Child Labour.

Then it all changed.

Suddenly, when I became a mom, my hurts seems bareable compared to when one of my babes got hurt… physically or emotionally.

Sammy’s first shots.  (I think those hurt me more than him).

Leaving Tyler at school for those couple of hours… JK… as he cried… every day for 6 weeks… and going to my car and crying my own tears.

Watching Zach having his appendix removed.

Here’s the thing… I never realized how much my heart would break as I tried to kiss their hurts away.

Last week, I watched Zach, as I was walking towards him during Track and Field, as he had just finished his big race.  800m?  His face was in pain.  The tears were just streaming down his face.  I thought he was hurt.

He was hurt… he came in last after running his hardest.  He gave it all he had.  My heart hurt so much… I actually thought maybe I was having a heart attack.  It sucks to not be good at something.

Now I am watching one of my boys struggle… really struggle.  He has always been a big boy.  Yet that is not what he would chose.  He hates his bigness.  Words… all those things that you can say don’t matter… He does not want to be big.  Now in high school it matters.  Who wouldn’t want to be one of those boys ( you know the obnoxious ones that walk around with the shirts off because they can…)?

Yesterday it was close to 100 Degrees Fahrenheit  and my son had a sweat shirt on.. to hide in.  We fought about it.  I drove him to school and couldn’t help notice other kids doing the same thing.

I came home and wept.

My heart is breaking.  I have a boy who is hurting so much and I can’t fix it.

(Pls… I know and we are working on diet, exercise and all that… but this is not the issue.  This is how he is built.)

He has so diligently been working on “diet” while all around him folks eat the pizzas,  ice creams, pop, etc.  And he deprived himself of it all… Just to see the numbers go down on the scale.

I HATE that he can’t be a kid… and eat that treat without worrying or feeling guilty.

I hate that society is so focused on ones’ size.  The comment is ALWAYS there… “Wow, he is a big boy!”

When your own grandparent comments on your size, in an ugly manner… how am I to convince him that my words matter not those mean ugly words?

I know the stats.  I know that this is so serious.  I know that along with this comes self esteem issues, comes depression and so much more scary stuff.

I thought I knew what pain was… but I didn’t… not until I am forced to watch this child that came from me… hurting … really hurting and I can’t put a bandaid on it.

I find myself begging God…

I find myself angry when I step on the scale and lose that pound (as much as I want this…) because really, I’d give that to him… if I could.  I would take him unwanted weight and carry it if I could.

So… as we continue down this road together… I feel that pain, that sharp pain that seems to just spread… trying so hard to pass on that salve if only to dull the ache for him until…

Until what God?

Please… Help Me… Help Him.

What a weekend… it went so fast!

Before I knew it, it was Sunday afternoon, 5 p.m.!  Monday was fast approaching and I wasn’t ready.

The boys each had a friend over this weekend…  well except Josh.

(Missing in this picture are Sammy and Tyler…)

We had pizza for supper and then went and saw Kung Fu Panda 2 with the lot. Lesson # 1 from the weekend… it certainly isn’t “cheaper by the dozen.”

Once we were home, everyone found their thing and it was hard to believe that there were a dozen boys in the house.

Lesson #2 from the weekend… I have good boys.

Saturday was a day spent being with their friend…  eating, hanging out and eating some more.

Lesson #3 from the weekend… Boys can EAT… Lots! (Couple of dozen eggs, 3 dozen sausages, a dozen croissants, a melon, 2 containers of strawberries, 2 cartons of OJ…).

We had a campfire… that was really hard to start due to the wind.  I had bought HUGE marshmallows…

Lesson #4 from the weekend… Bigger doesn’t mean better.  These were the nastiest marshmallows ever.  Ugh.  They were only good to burn…

Some of the boys left Saturday evening.  Sammy had a female friend over for the campfire.  Most of the boys went to bed by 10:30 pm as they were exhausted.  Sammy’s friend was to leave by 11 p.m.  At 11:15 pm I went and gave a verbal nudge… “Susie, Do you have a ride?” She makes a call home.

I hear Sammy trudging up with stairs… “Um, Mom… her mom kinda forgot about her (she is at her boyfriend’s house) and has been drinking.   She is going to call her dad.” I am looking at Sammy in disbelief.  I am feeling for this child who has been forgotten.  I am wondering how can you leave your daughter at a boy’s house with no worry about her and if I didn’t go and let it be know that it’s time to go home… what would have happened?

What happens when parents forget to be parents?  What happens when kids are left to parent themselves?  Trouble.

Lesson #5  from the weekend… pray harder.

Sammy’s Facebook Status Update:

Sammy Sukumaran

I’m spending the night with 12 males… Lord have mercy!

This evening was spent with my boys and one of their friends.  They each invited a buddy… we went to get pizza and then saw Kung Fu Panda 2. I was on my phone updating my status on Facebook to read “I’m spending the night with 12 males… Lord have mercy!” Then I posted it.  Then I realized that it was not posted on my page.   Sammy had signed in and didn’t sign out!  Oops… this is what was posted on Sammy’s Wall!

Insert here heart pounding delight of a little payback …

I was dying!  As I verbalize what had just happened, the van full of boys… busted out laughing so hard!!!  Sammy was appalled! He couldn’t help but laugh a little too despite his discombobulation at what his peers may think and say!

Me… I loved it.

I have warned them and warned them to sign out of my phone and sign me back on… just a little pet peeve of mine to get on my phone and have to constantly log in.

Hum… we’ll see if this lesson sunk in!

It was a weird day today…

It was rainy and grey… made me unsure if I was cold or not.  I was so sleepy today too.  Not sure what that was about but something is off.  My hair is falling out in chunks again too.

I spent the day trying to finish up things on my TO DO list.  One of the things was to fill out the Census form.   Do you know how many times I had to write Sukumaran???

I am reading the newest of Confessions of a Shopaholic, MiniShopaholic… and as silly and funny as the character is… I see a lot of myself in her, which scares me.  Maybe I am a reformed shopaholic as I really do not go out and buy like I used to.

Right now, though, I am wanting to redo (or finish) our bedroom.  It needs to be repainted… and pretty much needs a overhaul.  I want to do this right away.  I looked at the curtains that I bought on a whim, 4 of them, which I ended not really liking.  They have been sitting in the corner.  I lost the receipt and was hesitating to take them in, feeling pretty sure that they had gone on sale and would be worth only half the price… and then I’d be stuck using them.  I muttered a prayer… asking God if He could just work His magic and let them be still full price… (God does care about the little stuff too, you know…) and I was so delighted that they were!  So, as Sanj hates when I think this way… but it was like having a stash of cash (or credit as the case was) for a rainy day! 🙂

The bedding I want, though is a white background… and with the boys always hanging out on my bed… I am so hesitant.  I plan to paint this room a deep red… and accessorize in the dark browns, which is what our furniture is made of.

I need my room to be cozy and right now  it so isn’t.

This weekend I am letting the boys have a sleepover… meaning that each can invite a friend… that means I need to be on top of things… to actually have food in the house for the kiddies! 🙂  My own kids have become pretty good at forging! 🙂  At some point this weekend, we will go and see the Kung Fu Panda 2… the boys have been waiting for this to come out.

We are thinking of whether to buy a new vehicle for me or not… my van is a piece of poop.  I live with the fear of it just quitting at the most inconvenient moment.  I really want just a regular (well… maybe a little nicer than the regular) mini van.  This is doable… especially since the boys are done with car seats and just Josh remains using a boaster seat.  Yet this would mean not having an extra seat… especially when my mom is here visiting or for the extra friend.

That leaves another 12 passenger… which I will not willingly by a GM again.  They are horrible.  We have 2 vehicles… one that is considered a more luxary vehicle and they are nothing but trouble.  So… that leaves me with the Sprinter… that has a Mercedes engine… and make I believe… and seems to be sturdy.  Yet… the boys are opposed to this vehicle.  They seemed even more bothered when I said I’d put my blog picture on the side of the vehicle. lol  I don’t see what the problem is!!!

Actually this is looking more and more appealing to me.  There is cargo room, which my 12 passenger lacks badly… throw in a couple of screens for a movie and we could have a mobile movie theatre! 🙂

Sigh.

I need to check my lotto tickets.  Maybe I could just buy one of those crazy stretch limos!

🙂

Happy Grey’s Night!

I love days that allow for nothing and everything to happen.

After enjoying the long weekend, my 4 younger ones had the day off school today… a PD Day.  Of course as it happens, I had a doctor’s appointment for me booked.  I probably said, “Book me anytime between Tuesday-Thursday, I’ll be kid free.” Ha!

It was the long awaited appointment with my specialist to help me deal  with my painful cramps and temperamental uterus.  He seemed surprised and a little disappointed that the ablation procedure didn’t work.  I wish he knew how I felt!!!

When he asked me my thoughts, I told him that my baby making days are over… and since my monthly is truly debilitating, I am ready to just be done with it.

October 11 is the date.

I felt a little queasy as he was describing the procedure.  I really don’t want to know… just do it, please.

I picked after summer so that the kiddies are back in school… full time… all of them! Wow… what a difference that will be for me!  Most people may add, “God Willing…” my thought was “Josh willing!” lol

So… after months, make that years of hurting… I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I wanted to ask if he could suck out some of my belly fat while he was doing his thing… but he, my doc, is kind of intense… so I kept my thoughts inside my head! 🙂

I know have this prayer running through my head…

Dear God,

Please keep me safe in surgery. Please being me out of surgery safe and sound.

Amen.

I have watched too many hospital shows… you know where the loved ones are waiting in the room for news.. and the doctor comes in, removes his scrub cap and looks sadly at the family.

Ugh.

October 13th.

Could you remember me in your prayers?
Thanks!

I’m thinking this monumental event should call for a party!  Maybe a pre-op party!  Just to keep my nerves in check!

🙂