Living Loving Breathing Boys

It is morning… all are still asleep, except Sanj, who has been off to the gym a while ago.   I love this time of day.  It is perfect weather to snuggle into my blanket and shut my eyes and relax.

I am going to vent for a minute. I have bathroom issues. Most people have issues with public bathrooms. That is perfectly understandable. It is even normal.

If your life has any involvement in sports, you have definitely heard the phrase… “Follow through with your swing!” It is said in baseball and golf. I am sure it is used in other sports too.

I am sitting down with the urge to write. What to write I am not sure… but just as an alcoholic needs a drink, I am feeling the need to write.

Change! It is a word that can cause all sorts of discombobulation to a soul! Over the past couple of years our school has had to go through significant changes. It has changed the essence of our school.

Last night I went to see Julie and Julia. I loved it! Both actresses were fabulous!

Today is my mom’s birthday.

Tonight while I was at hockey camp with Zachary, I heard people mumbling about tornadoes nearby.  As we headed home, sure enough we could see ugly clouds.

Have you ever watched that show Fear Factor? I loved watching it. It made people do things that made me shut my eyes to keep from watching. Eating gross things, driving a car off into a pool of water and then getting out…

I have made a huge attempt to move from the past and live in today and the future. Yet I can’t help but bring up the past as it is so much of who I am. I am this person today, made from all the good and bad moments of yesteryear.

So I go back for a bit in this blog… I have to. I have to write and release and yet really hope if one person reads it and it makes a difference, it is to that person I write.

I went to see my aunt and uncle yesterday. Theirs is a relationship of abuse. Physical and emotional.
My uncle was very hard on my cousins, they got butt-whopping too. Not that this makes a difference but I do believe their were beat when misbehaving… though the beats they received were hardly appropriate punishments. My uncle was a very hard man. He grew up this way and I suppose that this is the only way he knew. He has a fierce temper.

Their marriage was one of craziness. While I don’t know all the sordid details, I believe at some point, both had affairs. My uncle had a girl… a young girl … that was the “love of his life.” This lady was the third person in the marriage, to this day.

While I don’t know all the detail, while visiting them a few years ago, my aunt came into my room, crying. She just kept saying “please pray for us.” Then she started sharing things I didn’t want to know.

When with them, I still feel like I am 12 years old. They always treated my well and I loved them.

My mom made the offer for my aunt to leave all the “stuff” and come live with her.

My aunt will never leave. There is money and that keeps her as well as the grandsons that live in a sad cycle too.

My uncle is mean to her. She is beaten, emotionally. She responds to him with fear and no willpower.
He makes derogatory comments and she just tightens her mouth.

I felt so sad and helpless.

It made me feel the helplessness I felt as a child.

So here is the thing. There really is NO good reason (that I can think of ) that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship.
If you are being beat… that is AGAINST THE LAW. If you think staying for your children is a good enough reason… IT ISN’T.
If you are being beaten EMOTIONALLY… there is freedom just a phone call away.

Is it going to be easy? NO! It will be the hardest thing you did. Yet you are strong enough… how do I know? Because ANYONE who has lived with what you are… can only be strong to have survived.

Do I wish my mom left my dad years ago? YES!!! You have no idea how strong a YES that is. Yet I am proud that she left him when she did. She was the only one to really benefit by this point, yet she still lives with people casting judgement on her.
People do not understand the life threatening reality that it is.

It is so ignorant of people to judge when they have not walked in those shoes. My aunt often tells my mom how lucky she is.
It is amazing that situation you will allow yourself to live in because of fear.

As a child of abuse, living it and watching it… It is a part of my everyday. I am not in danger nor do I live with abuse of any kind (accept laundry)… yet there isn’t a day that goes by that it is not a part of my day. NOT ONE DAY!

Today I took a trip down memory lane.

My aunt and uncle are here from the States for a visit. I took the boys and went to see them. They are staying in Toronto in the area I grew up. Willowdale, by Bathurst and Finch.

It is funny, because as I drove by the old neighbourhood, I felt warm fuzzies.

I lived there from age 2 – 10 years old. It was the area my parents came and settled after moving from India.
Not much has changed in the neighbourhood. Everything looks aged and a bit more run down. Then there are the properties that have been torn down and replaced with new structures.

I have so many memories of this area. Walking home from school with my brother, throwing snow balls and ducking out to avoid pelts of snowballs. The big piles of snow after a snow storm, and falling into the pile and disappearing… Going across the road and getting the best pound cake at the bakery (that was gone now).

When I think of this time in my life, I have child-like memories. I think during this time, I did have worries about my dad’s temper tantrums but life was busy and full and I was busy being a kid.

I have memories of swimming in the pool at our apartment (no pool there anymore), walking home from school, discovering a milk pod (I love those things), hanging out with my friends, who lived next door to us in the apartment.

I love how I was unaware of how wore out the buildings were. Bugs were just a part of life. Everyone dressed in mismatched clothes. I don’t remember wanting for things. I remember feeling content.

Maybe that is why I love driving back there. I don’t go there very often. So it is always a neat feeling when I do go back.
I have this distant memory of walking across the street to the store with my dad, holding his hand. That memory always comes back. I have another one of my having a febrile seizure around the age of 9, and my dad carrying me to the ER. I have this distinct memory of being held by him in the elevator. I didn’t want him to know I was awake, so he would continue to hold me.

Funny, the things that creep back to memory. It was a nice morning, going back down memory lane.

Yesterday we were in the car and Zachary says “I look like a teenager… with pimples!”
(He got some kind of rash on his face probably from the heat).

Then this conversation was along the lines of teenagers and kissing.

I said, “Zach, not all teenagers kiss. I was out of high school when I had my first kiss.”

Zach looks at me and says so honestly… “Yah, but you were kinda geeky with your big glasses and all!”

Out of the mouth of a babe… and the truth does hurt a bit! lol

Today’s lesson was unfairness taught on the golf course.

Sammy and Tyler both played in the club championships today. It was really hot out! Humid. Hot! Very Hot!

I admired that they stuck to it. I would have had no qualms to say forget it!

As they were finishing their games, we could see that they weren’t happy.

For whatever reasons, heat, the pressure (that they put upon themselves), just the way the game was played… both of them had a “bad” game. They were very frustrated and disappointed.

I guess as much as it is “just a game” it never is.

Every year they play with one of their schoolmate, every year this child cheats.

Everyone know it.

To add to the boys frustration was this child and his cheating.

The sad thing is this child lives with the pressure of his parents. The dad rides the course with him during the championship.
The cheating is obvious. What is this child learning? To win at any cost?

It is so heart-wrenching to see your child’s disappointment. It is a proud thing to see them finish despite all the obstacles.
It is one of those lessons… that in life there will always be cheats. You have to know that you did your best… and when your best is not good enough (for you) then thankfully there is tomorrow.

Club Championships … Day 2. Another hot day is in the forecast. I simply prayer…

God, please help my boys understand that all You expect is our best. Help them to see the gifts they have and not judge their abilities on just a day’s effort.
And if you don’t mind…God… Please let tomorrow be a great day for them… and their game!

FORE! (Golf terminology, I think)!

I start this blog out with a disclaimer… I love my boys and husband. I love my life as I know it… 99.4 % of the time.

This is that .6% that is speaking.

I am sure many of you know what I am talking about. I am pretty sure it is normal… and if you say you never have felt like this… I would say you are lying or unique.

I wonder what it would be like to just get in the car and go. Leave life as I know it behind. If it was possible to take away the emotions of missing and loving all that I would leave behind…. what would I do? Where would I go?

I love driving. I love no destination. I would love to just get lost. Maybe New York City or some bayou somewhere?

I really see myself by water… usually the ocean. I see myself truly relaxed and feeling peace. I would probably munch on some peanut brittle, have a diet Coke handy and a book. It wouldn’t be too hot and there wouldn’t be too many bugs.

I would sleep till I couldn’t sleep anymore.

I would eat without guilt.

I would reacquaint myself with friends that I only struggle to keep in touch because life gets in the way.

I would just exhale. A nice, long fulfilling exhale.

It would be all about me.

Then I am sure I would get bored.

But that time that it took to really allow myself to exhale was perfect.

I have found me again. Not the mom me, the wife me, the friend me, daughter me, the sister me… but rather the me that was there before every bit of me was being tugged by all the other mes.

Is this a crazy post? Probably. I just sometimes feel like the me that is really me gets so lost.

I forget me so often. I don’t want to do that. I want to have moments where I remember all of me there is.

I was thinking that running away from all the mes would help me do that.

I suppose there is a time when that me will be my focus again.

Right now the mommy-me needs to call my babes in to start ending this day.

It is 3:22 p.m. on Friday afternoon. I am hot and tired. Very tired. I want and need a nap so badly. But then the toilets are calling, as is the laundry. We have a party tonight too.

I love summer. I am enjoying it more this summer. I have found it relaxing and enjoyable. Yet there really isn’t too much of a break.

That is what is missing… recess! 🙂

I had to take Zach to the doctor to make sure that this rash on his face was not something terrible that I was overlooking.

As we sat in the waiting room, Josh sits on my lap.

“Mommy, you don’t have a penis… right?” asks Josh…

The other boys are appalled by his loudness.

I couldn’t help but laugh at their discomfort as well as just the whole thing.

“Shhhh Josh, we have already talked about this… NO mommy doesn’t,” was my reply… and then reminded him to talk quietly.

“What do mom’s have?” Josh just continues…

Oh dear!

I am laughing. I can’t help it. Boys and their toys!

What funny creatures!

No, that isn’t a typo. It means my heart is hurting. I can’t believe that I am going to be sending Josh to school!
I love this picture… I wish it had turned out better… but it captures our relationship. Mutual admiration. Josh and I!

I realized today that this isn’t really about him and if HE is ready… but rather it is about me! (Yah… what’s new)!

Today as I was chatting with his teachers… I was telling them a bit about him and my concerns… and started feeling silly because I realized as it was coming out of my mouth… that it was silly.

He isn’t really good about him and his lack of taking care of his bathroom issues.
He hasn’t really been away from me… and if he has, his brothers or dad where there.
He is a very particular boy.
He is so the youngest. Spoiled… catered too.

How many times have they (his teachers) heard this?

I realized it is my issues. Wow. I can’t believe it. The last four years have gone by very slow for me. Having Josh was life changing. I had to really work through issues and release my heart’s desires to God. I had to really let go of control.

I had this little boy that adored me. He breathe me. He was attached to me to the point that it was suffocating. Yet the more I pushed him away… the more he clung.

Over the last years, we finally found our groove. He got comfortable with me and my love being there… even though he couldn’t alway see it. I think he finally felt it in his heart.

It took this last year for him to start to physically let go. The funny thing is that I missed him. I found myself seeking him out for a hug or kiss.

Now… as he gets ready to leave me for hours in a day, I find my heart skipping a beat. I can’t really imagine my days without his constant companionship. I find myself feeling sad that I am truly done having little ones. Ready… yes, very ready… but nevertheless… feeling a sadness that I didn’t really expect.

He has the greatest teachers in the world. He has the best school there is. He has most of his brothers a few doors down…
yet I feel scared. I never want him to feel alone. I never want him to lose that loveliness that makes him who he is.

OK… I will get over it. He will be great.

Today Josh asked me (as he often does…) “Are you happy that Jesus gave me to you?”

Over the last 4 years, there have been many variations to that answer! lol

Yet today… I just wanted to squeeze him till he felt all the love that is oozing out of me… How glad I am that Jesus gave Josh to me. He wasn’t a girl that I thought I needed… yet God blessed me with this child that loves so easily and forcefully. He loves so hard it hurts if you really process his love. He is such a gift. He is my never-ending gift of love.

As we get ready to start this new phase of life… I know we are both going to be fine. (Right)?

Josh… hang on tight…. it is going to be a great ride!!!

Love… it’s about sometimes knowing you are right and letting it go.
Isn’t it?

Love is about spending moments wondering why you are in this…
Isn’t it?

Love is about forgiving again… knowing that they doesn’t see the offensiveness of it!
Isn’t it?

Love is about moments in time rather than days, weeks and months of “perfect” love.
Isn’t it?

Sometimes it seems easier just doing it rather than nagging about it.
Doesn’t it?

Sometimes it is endless. Sometimes it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is just hard. Sometimes it is lonely.
Don’t you think?

Yet I know that for all the moments that these feelings have to be worked through…
I love loving and being loved.

It is worth it. Loving them is worth it. This is just a moment in time.
So I continue onward… knowing this moment will pass.
It is just a moment.

Love IS patient. Love IS kind. Love IS long-suffering.
Yet what would life be like without love.

So I stop and think of all those I love.
I realize that my cup is overflowing.
Life really is good.
I will remember to say “I love you.”
I will remember the moments.

P.S. No, Sanj, this isn’t necessarily about you. It is more for those that are struggling today… at this moment.
Hang in there.

Today I have been thinking of Tyler, my second born. Sammy and Tyler are as different as they come. Every part of them are opposites.

Tyler was OBSESSING about going to the golf course today. He had a really good game on Friday. He is eager to practice and perfect his game. He is so eager to place in the Club Championships.

It stormed … thunder and lightening was happening as he was getting ready to go.

He was not happy. After a bit the weather let up.

“Can I go to the club?” he kept asking.

Fine! I may as well take him and let him do what he needs to do.

He was so happy. “I love you. Thank you for driving me.”

Then he was explaining to me that he had a notebook and had drawn the golf course. At each hole, he works out his average drive (???) I think… which then lets him know which iron he should use. (Not sure if I have used all the right terms )…

Wow. I was impressed. I can’t imagine being out there alone hitting balls into holes. I’d probably get chased by a gopher for putting in his hole! lol

Tyler is so obsessed…. which is the word I would use most to describe him. If he gets an idea… it is virtually impossible to change his course. Today I would change that word to driven and motivated.

I hope he makes it as he deserves it.

Driven! He is a lot like his dad that way. He gets his focus and drive from Sanj… who doesn’t mind working at the same thing over and over!

GO Tyler GO!

How do you handle the wrestling which turns into fights?

This is what one of my friends asked on her facebook status…

I responded… “its constant. It’s worse when Sanj is in there tussling too. All I am worried about is a broken arm… or foot.
I do what all do I suppose… warning them to be careful which I know fall on deaf ears!

When it turns into crying and fighting… as it always will… I just deal with the one that got hurt and say enough. I really don’t have a good answer except that it is part of growing up a boy. You just have to kiss the boo boo away. No help, I know!

And they have to expend that energy. I suppose it is just so natural to use each other to spend that energy.
But I am just a girl, so what do I know?”

That was my immediate answer. But I really don’t have an answer… so feel free to add your input.

But tonight I drove into town to pick up my two oldest from playing a game of golf with another set of brothers.
They had a great game and a great time. They were both in good spirits. They were bantering back and forth. I was waiting for the banter to turn ugly.

Yet they seemed to be in total sync.

These are two of mine that wrestle all the time. They are very physical. It is a constant rumble and tumble that usually ends with someone hurt or in tears.

Sammy: You look like a dork. You have chocolate on your face. ( They just had ice cream).
Tyler: (Giggling…) I have a whole meal, including appetizers and dessert under my wire (of his braces).

I am grossed out, of course. They are dying of laughter.

I am total enthralled. They seem to like each other at this moment in time.

As I am observing this, I think, O.K. may that wrestling and beating each other up is actually a love language?!!!

Maybe it is a language that some brothers share. O.K. Maybe?!!!