Living Loving Breathing Boys

It is 6:33 am… have I mentioned that I am not a morning person? Actually I have been up alot this past night. My brother and family are here to celebrate American Thanksgiving with us. All three of their kids are up and a couple of mine.

Morning… then last night I forgot to take my sleeping pill. Grrrr… this means not only do I not sleep soundly but I have bad scary dreams. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

So, as a busy day is awaiting me, I begin it … tired.

But I am still going to get my butt up and go to the gym… I am not sure I have felt the surge of energy everyone talks about that comes from exercise.

An a positive note… my dear loved husband is a hideous snorer. He can fall asleep at the drop of a hat… and I can’t. So I lay there listening to his not so melodious noise… getting annoyed.

Since he lost 30 some pounds, he does not snore any more. Wow… silence. It is a weird experience. I sometime wonder if he is alive or mad or what?

Oh well… all this to say … I am tired, grumpy and wishing I could SLEEP!

It always amazes me how as adults we tend to naturally become cliquish. Is this intentional? I don’t think so. Yet, if people feel excluded or unwelcome is it a clique?

A friend of mine mentioned that she thought a certain group of ladies were kind of cliquish. What was interesting was I was feeling a little uncomfortable with this group or being linked to them as a group. So it made me think about how it would appear to the outside looking in. If these folks had any idea this is how they were viewed… I had to believe that they would be disturbed. I am giving them the benefit of doubt.

Then I also had to ask… do we become friends with the “non-christian” midst a group of professed christians… to “witness” to them? Then what?

I am not saying this is all based on any facts… I am just looking in a window… and I see this group that has become a small unit.

It always disturbs me to see friendships go by the wayside. Especially when there is no reason. Most of my friendships … are lifers. You are stuck with me. We may not talk daily etc…. but if I love you… you are stuck.

So I wonder if we as Christians are cliquish? Is it easier to be friends with a christian verses a non-christian? Should that be even taken into account?

I would have to say no. If you are my friend, it is because I enjoy you… the whole person. We may have different beliefs… I am not a animal lover… you may be. You may eat octopus… I will not hold it against you…

I have a hard time with the concept of witnessing … by befriending. The best witness of Christianity is just by being. No one should have to ASK if I am a christian. I truly hope it is in my spirit, my actions, it is just a part of who I am.

Yet… being a Christian does not make us better than others. I know that many people will be in heaven because they live a true Christian life just being who they are every day.

My kids love super heros… you name it Superman, Batman, Spiderman… they love them.

Do you have heros in life? People that you really look up to? I had to stop and think about it.

There are not very many people I would put on a pedestal simply because I know that at some point, we all come crashing down.

Yet there are people in my life that I admire…
My girlfriend, diagnoised with MS… here I am complaining about pricking my finger to check my sugar… yet she is being stuck with a needle once a week… then braves the side effects on the weekend and is back at work Monday morning. Yet the whole time never stopping from the role of mom to 2 boys.

My friend who has a daughter that has Down’s Syndrome… she is in her 20s now. She is suffering from a bunch of various issues… that can be life threatening. She is in constant pain and her liver is failing. Her mother is there 24/7… helping her cope with the pain, fighting for the best health care she needs, looking for answer… She is never really thinking of herself.
She can only live on moment at a time with her daughter.

There is a friend who has a child dealing with autism. She loves her son so much… testing, reading and researching… trying to understand and find ways to give him the best life he deserves. She deals with people looking at them in public, when he is melting down… the judgement. She has put her whole life into her son.

I can go on, of course… any one of us can continue this list. These people are my heroes. I appreciate their attitude in which they choice to face their giants head on. I pray for strength for each of them, peace and hope.

We don’t need super heros when all around us there are real life heroes that we can learn so much from.

Thank you, my friends, for giving me inspiration! You are my hero!

This weekend I went to a girlfriend’s cottage. What a wonderful treat! There were 4 of us in total… all I can say is was we plopped ourselves on the sofas… and I began to decompress… to just let go and feel it all slowly relax… and really have only myself to think about (for 48 hours)… I felt a headache coming on. This is what happens whenever I get a chance to be away alone.

I slept (but did not slept IN, much to my chagrin… my body rejected that idea…), watch some chick flicks, chatted about life, love and being part of the 10-18% of a special group… went on a wonderful walk… saw rabbit prints in the snow (keeping an eye out for the bear(s)…) then saw a rabbit and fox prints…. for a while… and then aw… just the fox’s prints… Life!

We eat great food… read a bit… even shopped a bit… then more girl stuff… and then before I knew I I felt a headache coming back… just as my body began regulating itself to returning to real life again.

I had a lovely time being in the company of special people. I am blessed with generous friends, that fill my cup of blessing overflowing. Thank you, God.

Back home… I am loving the “mommy is home… I missed you…” It is good to be missed.

Thank you a wonderful husband who just did it all. As I blog, he is downstairs cramming for his class… that ends tonight.

He will be needing a getway!

It is 6:59a.m. Our house is so still! Our house is so COLD! Last night something was up with the heating… and of course the temperature dropped and it snowed a bunch. SO the thought of getting up from my warm bed is highly unappealing.

There is no hot water, since our heating system is connected to the heating of the water… so I guess I can let the boys sleep for a bit more. Then there is the thought of going to the gym… do I really want to go?

Yesterday… I had an amazing workout. I really pushed myself to work out at levels I haven’t before. Guess what, no cardiac arrest!!! I struggled with the last few minutes… but really over all I was so surprised that I could do it!

I felt good… really good that maybe I am not a wimp after all. Maybe it is all so IN MY HEAD!!! Maybe I am just lazy! Maybe obtaining a body I am satisfied with is doable!!!

When I began the attempting to work out about a 2 years ago, my rest heart rate was over 100! I was so unaware of how BAD that was. Now… it is at 68!

My blood sugar levels are normal again. I hesitate to use the word again, because I am not sure how many years they were out of whack! I still have to take the med… but I really believe that once I beat my addiction towards comfort food… and continue to exercise… I will reverse the diabetes.

I am so glad that God made my body so forgiving.

I realize that as a foodaholic this will be a life time battle. But at this moment in time… I am feeling optimistic for the first time in a very long time.

So… I better get over the fact that I am freezing, it is so cold and snowy outside and I am going to have to be a serious nag to get the boys up and out!

A healthy body is calling!

One of the chores I hate that come with parenting is the whole meal thing. You have to feed the babes. Yet what do you feed them? We all know the million and one things that they shouldn’t eat, the things that are disliked that they should eat… and then that is just one meal. Then it begans again.

Oye! At least breakfast and supper are meals they usually eat in my presence. So I know exactly how much nutrients is getting into their little bodies.

But lunches… how I hate making lunches. Actually I don’t even hate making it … if I knew it was going to be eaten. WHY DON”T THEY EAT??? No wonder they come into the car grumpy… because they haven’t eaten properly. It is so maddening. No matter WHAT I send… it doesn’t seem to matter.

Are they just too busy? Do they really not have time??? WHAT IS THEY PROBLEM??? How I wish our school had a hot lunch program!

So… as I continue to make lunches, look for creative solutions… I continue to grow frustrated. I have thought to just put a picture of a starving child in their lunch and write a note that says…” This child would love your lunch!”

Any ideas??? Yes, they have made their own lunches… but still I have the problem that food is not eaten.

Yet on pizza days and days I buy Subway… they usual eat.

Hum… maybe it is just my cooking!

Leave me your thoughts… I have gotten so many emails saying that you would leave a comment if you knew how…
SO I have made it easy….
STEP 1… click on the word comment… and then you are taken to the next part…

STEP 2… write out your comment (BE NICE)!!!
STEP 3…under CHOOSE AN IDENTIFY… just click NAME… and type your name… so I know it is YOU I should thank for the NICE words…

STEP 4… click PUBLISH YOUR COMMENTS

So it is easy… YOU CAN DO IT!

Love your thoughts and feedback… if you care to leave it!

I often write about my husband in different ways… but today as I left my coaching session, I left knowing that I am so blessed to have found my best friend in my husband. He is the person I miss if I am not around him for a day or chatted with him at least 5x’s … despite the fact that he is at work.

He is such an absolutely loyal man. He works like a dog to make sure we always have the things we need and also the things we just want. He is someone whose opinion matters… I want him to think I am smart (despite the fact that my grades may have said otherwise…) I want him to think I am beautiful (despite all the freckles that have taken residence on my face), I want him to love me forever (despite the fact that I can be -itchy, naggy and extremely hyper). I want him to miss me and need me and want me (despite the fact that we are polar opposites).

I left today with the knowledge that Sanj is the best thing that has happened to me ever. If I won the lottery … it would be meaningless if I didn’t have him to share it with. I can’t imagine life without my best friend.
He is the other missing link of me. He fills my life with irreplaceable fullness.

I am realizing that one of the best gifts in life is love and friendship. If that goes hand in hand… it is a rare thing.

I love you, Sanj, all of you.

Toady was my coaching session. I had the assignment of “What does my soul want?”

My answer was quite simple.

“What does my soul need? In one word, REST. Rest from things that torment or hurt me. Learning to accept the family and parents I have, forgiving and letting go of those things that have really hurt the core of me. Learning boundaries are OK and setting them for those that drain or hurt me and not feeling guilty about it.

Giving myself permission to live the life I want… despite what society and family have dictated or suggested.

Guilt … not to be driven by it. To be freed of guilt and be ok with it.

I want to be one with God constantly and not feel the voids that seem to come.
I want to find REST in Him. Maybe that is my control issue.

My soul wants peace. Maybe that is unrealistic… I am not sure at this point if my wants and needs are unreasonable.

So in one word… REST from a unrestful life.”

I realized that my life within my family… Sanj and the boys… is a place of rest.

Maybe a lot of people don’t get it… but it is. Busy yes, yet restful, safe and a place of contentment.

I also realized that I am different. Most people seek time away from their children looking for rest. I don’t need that. Yes, a few hours alone is fabulous… an overnight getaway is an extra special treat… but I am not one that needs a lot of alone time. I probably am too social to even really enjoy it.

I think people that make judgement on our life don’t realize it isn’t ttheirlife. No need to stress… and please don’t stress for me.

I also learned that I need to really listen to my gut. It usually leads me in the right direction… and I need to stop trying to fix things for others or make peace in a situation that really does not work for me. This is hard to do especially when family is concerned.

Yet as I listen to my heart… and continue to act on its leading… I feel good. I do find it a restful place to be. I need to listen to where my heart leads and stay within my zone.

Then there is the fear factor… growing up in an abusive family… fear is a part of my life. Loud voices make me nervous. After 14 years of marriage, I know in my heart of hearts, Sanj will never ever raise his hand on me. Yet… if we are fighting… as his voice raises… so does my irrational fear. Yet… I know I will always stand up despite that fear… fight back… no matter what.

Yet there are still people that bring fear to the surface by just being around them. My father and middle brother… their presence is not a simple thing. It comes with fear that I will be hurt… physically or emotionally. As I discussed this… my doctor and I came to the conclusion that all fear is not bad. It is fear that keeps me cautious, in a protective mode… when with persons I need to have protection (in what ever form that may be). I tend to allow myself to feel sorry and feel the need to bail out… yet this is usually only a behavior of enabling.

So fear in my heart is a protector of my soul. I found that kind of interesting. I am not always smart enough to listen to my gut or warning bells that are ringing loud and clear. So … fear… which can be paralyzing is my body or mind’s way of keeping me safe.

I am learning to let the past go… learning to truly trust God to bring justice to those that have hurt me… in His time and LET IT GO. I no longer feel that I need to save the invisible… why have I been so consumed with watching people who have hurt me, continue to be successful… and allow my anger to hinder my growth and happiness?

God sees the big picture. I am only looking at today and possible tomorrow.

Trust is a huge factor in seeking REST… rest in my soul. I have to trust that God is IN control even when I am not feeling it. I have to have faith in my husband that his love is forever. I have to except my limitations as a mother and what I can do for my children daily. I have to really seek God’s will in my life… then the REST will just BE.

So I feel good. I feel glad and grateful for all the blessings in my life. I feel thankful for the strength that is just always a prayer away when I need a boost.

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest.’ Matt. 11:28

Let me tell you about my therapist… aka… friend. This is a friend that is committed to going to the gym despite the fact that she is in great shape. She is there sweating it out with me almost every day. We chat about life, I learn from her wisdom and appreciate her candidness about life.

She is funny, loving and yet the best drill sergeant one can ask for. I would have never even thought to do an hour cardo… she did not give me a choice!

I have learned so much from her. I have had to ask myself hard questions… after leaving her presence. Many a time, my blog thoughts can reflect her wisdom or questions.

Dear God,
Thank you for my friend. Thank you for the extra special blessing she is to me! (She even takes my kids to swimming… so I am not running around like a mad person…) Thank you for the gift of generosity and graciousness. You have blessed her with an abundance of Your Christlike character. Thank you for my friend… for all my friends.
Could you just help my body to stop craving the “bad” stuff so I can see the effects of my hard work???
Thanks!

This is my 300th blog post! I love writing.

I wish I was better at grammar, sentence structure, and all that other stuff I supposedly learned in English classes…. but really when I have a thought or feeling… I just begin to write. It oozes out of me. I have always found writing therapy. Cheap therapy!

I found my journals from University… seeing so and so on the sidewalk, planning my schedule so I would have to walk down a certain sidewalk… yah… to bad much more of my energy didn’t go into my academics!

Then there was falling in love. I love reading those journals. I love falling in love over again… every time I read back into the early days. I love having documentation of our love affair.

I love reading of our fights (which was when I wrote most… when I was upset). I find it amazing how much I have changed, grown up and become me… today.

Blogging was an unexpected pleasure. Thanks Kumar, for introducing me to it. I wasn’t sure if I could really find things interesting enough to write for others to appreciate. But I realized is I am really writing for myself. If I say something that will help someone on their journal… that is an extra blessing. Yet I am the one who has been blessed by the amazing feedback, encouragement and advice I continue to receive from the few of you who honor my with your time.

So thanks… for listening… sharing and helping me to grow.

Birthdays are the one day a year that is all yours … to celebrate your life! Usually the good is praised and the bad and ugly is ignored if just for one day! Birthdays are special days in our house.

Sanj’s family didn’t do much for birthdays… he never really got cakes or parties and in my house my father did not think it was biblical to celebrate. If so, God would have wrote it in the bible, right?

So in our family birthdays are all about the birthday boy. It is an ongoing celebration with family, then extended family and then usually some sort of party with friends. For this day, that child is spoiled. I pick them up early at school, and we go to lunch and then they have the rest of the day off.

Gifts, cake and all the usuals comes with it… sitting in the front seat without “calling it” is a given, and sleeping in our bed is the bonus.

OK… likewise, I believe that calling on day is more meaningful than calling later. Getting a gift is more meaningful on that day.

It means that YOU ARE SPECIAL and I will make the time for you!

We have family that never (that isn’t an exaggeration) given the boys their gift on time. Many years have gone where a promised gift never comes. This is not about the gift. This is a statement that I really don’t have time… you are not special.

I realize that this isn’t the truth necessarily yet this is the message. It bothers me that we never forget or miss a gift or b-day… can my kids not have that same specialness?

I am at the point of saying no gifts. Don’t bother. It means more for you to acknowledge the day … if you can not do that. … then don’t. This way there is no expectations. My kids will not care one way or another. But when a promised gift comes 2 months later… is there really a point?

Maybe I am totally off base… but to me to is about making time for that person on that ONE day that is THEIRS!

Hum…. I’d may be off base totally. Maybe I just have too high expectations.

Yes you can see… Jordan and Max are 5 days apart in birthdays… with an aunt and uncle sharing the birthdays! So busy has been the word of the last weeks.

Jordan Michael Sukumaran has turned 11 years old! WOW! He is my child that loves one on one with us and chatters endlessly when having that time. He is smart, talented and very laid back about life in general. He loves playing the guitar and is usually being begged to stop strumming! He is quite the photographer with a great eye.

He loves hanging out with his friends. He loves hockey and is quite a good skater.

Jordan, you are loved and cherished. You are full of gifts from God and I hope you take time to discover and embrace your gifts.

You are a loved son and brother. In Josh’s words…”Jordan, you are my best friend!”
Happy birthday my dear georgina ballerina!
I love you.

Today is my baby brother’s birthday! He is 35 years old! WOW! I can still remember being in the waiting room at the hospital and being told I had another brother. I was devastated and remember crying and carrying on!

He has been a gift from God … and been my sanity, growing up in our family. I am glad that God has blessed him with blessings that continue to overflow in his life.

Kumar, may God continue to bless you with all of your hearts desires!
Happy Birthday, my dear brother.
I love you.

It is pouring rain out! It has been all day! Unfortunately this day has had us out all day. In a bit, we are off to my in-laws to celebrate my sister-in-law turning 40!

I am tired… because I was too lazy to go back down stairs to take my sleeping pill. Yet when don’t take it, I either have insomnia all night or really bad dreams because I am not in deep sleep.

Frustrating… SO frustrating. Oh well I suppose I will sleep tonight.

I am eager to start putting out all the Christmas stuff. I have a lot of my shopping for gifts done! How good does that feel?!!!
I love Christmas!!! It is such a special time of year. I love that it is such a homey holiday! For me, it is about being home… enjoying the feeling of giving and being.

I am trying really hard to appreciate the fact that I have a home I love, and a family that is everything to me. I have been trying hard to not focus on the things that are missing… such as normal parents with a home etc.

I hope that I am creating memories that my children will cherish and hold on to as they grow up and have families of their own.
I enjoy making traditions with the boys that are silly as well as meaningful.

It isn’t a season that is really about money as much as attitude. It is about loving fully without holding back. It is about giving from your heart… till it hurts. It is about being thankful for all you DO have… even the “simple” things like having good health and love in your life.

Gifts that are wrapped are just the icing on the cake. I do love icing!

Tis the season to be JOLLY!

Last night we went to Bowmanville to watch Sammy and the Rhema team play in the volleyball tournament against other schools. I was impressed with the performance of the Rhema team!

It was a very close game… Sammy was asked by the ref is the ball was out of bounds or did he touch it? I was so proud of his honesty. “I touched it,” he signaled to the ref.

I am so proud of you for being honest, Sammy! I am proud of your sportsmanship and ability to have fun.

You can thank me later for your athletic ability that you got from me! LOL!

One of the things I am trying to do is embrace my body as is… while constantly trying to change it. Today after working out (Alone!!!) I went to have a steam. I have never do this alone… but thought I will give it a try. So I boldly went in alone!
there was one person there… naked.

I laid on my towel and felt myself begin to relax. The other lady leaves and I am alone. So following one of my workout buddies example from last week… I dropped the towel.

OK… I have to admit… I may not drop the towel while with anyone… but it felt pretty darn good! I felt exhilarated. I even stayed in longer then usual.

Boldly going where I haven’t gone before! Hum… what is next? Sky Jumping?

My brother wrote a blog on balding… realizing the thinness of his hair. I am more sympathetic to this issue as my own hair started to fall out in serious chunks.

He had a link to something about men who are proud to be bald. I thought this picture was hilarious.

I love Costco! I just love the STUFF they have! I got a bunch of Christmas shopping done there. I found stuff I “really” needed, just didn’t know it till I saw it! I got Christmas deco, lights and wrapping paper. I didn’t even do a food shop this trip in!

I just love a bargain so if you know your prices… it is a great place to be! I saw a ring for $18,000 there too. HUM… not sure if it was a deal but I really did like it!

I am so glad Costco came into my life!

Josh has a style all his own. He loves dressing up. He loves wearing a tie… a suit would be even better. He loves button down shirts and is annoyed when he is dressed down.

I don’t really care if he dresses up… I figure he is making the most of clothes that are worn only few times and remain newer than worn out.

I got this picture of Josh checking himself out!