The Letter

Posted on 2010-03-24 by Reema
I had a rough couple of days.  Cramps from hell.  I was swearing at Eve quite violently this morning.  Sigh.  Since my baby days are DONE… I am counting down the months/years till menopause.  🙂

Yesterday 3 strangers asked me if we would have more kids?  People, my youngest is 5.  No… we are done!  Pick on someone else.

I just got a letter from my dad today.  Well, it may have been in there a bit longer, since I don’t check our mailbox every day.  (Really, usually it is just bills, bills and more bills.  It was a big envelope.  Inside was his wishes when he dies.  It was a bit weird.  Yet at the same time, it was a bit of a relief.  No fighting over who and what when that time comes.

He wrote me a hand written letter, the writing was very shaky.  Before I read it, just looking at it made me very sad.  This is my dad.  I wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for his part.  It is weird when I put it that cut and dry.
He wrote a lot of the usual.  Then he wrote he loved me very much.  He wrote, “Forgive me all the mistakes I have made.”

Wow.  I have waited forever and yet here are those words.  Love you and forgive me.  

A part of me wants to cry, actually bawl my eyes out for all the pain and heart ache that has been over 4 decades and yet even longer.  What made it so complicated and hard?  Why?  I have always said I knew my dad loved me.  Yet, I always said actions speak louder than words.  It is a rule that I try to live my life by.  Don’t just say the words, show it so that there is never any doubt.  Too many of my dad’s actions belied those words.  Yet, today, I read them in black and white.  Today, I really do believe the words that I stare at in that shaky handwriting.  Today, right now, I wish I could climb on my dad’s lap, without reservation and have him hold me and sob like a baby.  God, how much I love my dad.  How much I wish he had a normal, safe presence in my life.

Tears are flowing as I type this simply because there has been so much pain and loss.  There has been so much waste.  I wish that my dad was the same all the time.  I wish I could be safe with him.  No, I am not scared of him physically anymore but I am emotionally.  His instability causes me so much up and down emotions.

It is a typical letter of his, though.  There are other things that he writes.  He always has said that he stayed away because of my mom.  She wouldn’t be there if he was.  There is always the factor of blame that is in his letters.

As usual, contact with him leaves me confused.

Dear Jesus,
You know my thoughts and feelings even as I can’t make sense of them.
My dad, I love him.  Thank you for bring me into the world.  Thank you for the traits that he blessed me with.  Thank you for loving us so unconditionally.  I know You love him so much.  I know You see him as he was meant to be without sin.  I can’t wait to meet that man in heaven.  I pray that he is there.  I pray that You wrap him with that peace that only You can give him.  Comfort him.  
I am so glad that I have you, God, as my Father that I can count on.
I love You!
Amen
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Where Did My Max Go?

Posted on 2010-03-22 by Reema

Today on the way to school I had major attitude to deal with.  Name calling was happening and I was not impressed.  What surprised me was the child that was mouthing back to me.
Max… my sweet, gentle Max was upset about not finding his backpack.  If it was hung up where it was supposed to be, he wouldn’t have had this trouble and not to mention I am not interested in this problem of his when we are all in the car, waiting!
He was upset.  He was name calling to one of his brothers.  I said, “Max, quit using words.”  (Of course he knew I meant mean words.
My 10 year old said to me with some serious attitude,  “Do you want me to use sign language then?”
I was a little surprised at his ability to come back so quickly.  I was also shocked that my little one was obviously not so little or sweet.
He is still working on the lines he had to write after he came home.  🙁
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IMS!!!

Posted on 2010-03-21 by Reema

(Notice Sanj’s eyes… they are a little possessed!)


Here it is, Ladies…
IMS… Is your man angry, anxious, hypersensitive and irritable?
Irritable male syndrome (IMS) is a term for a set of symptoms thought to be caused by a drop in testosterone levels in male mammals.  One of the most consistent symptoms is anger and sullen withdrawal present in men between the ages of 40 and 60.   Men with IMS often experience mood swings, stomach cramps and even hot flashes. These symptoms and others are caused by a drop in the male hormone testosterone.  IMS can manifest at any time because, unlike women who experience monthly hormone cycles, men experience a daily hormone cycle. Males’ levels of testosterone are highest after waking and fall throughout the day.   (Plagiarized, with thanks, from Wikipedia)

It is that time of month again for me.  Yet again, my hubby asked that infamous question of “What’s wrong?”  

Yet what do you ever wonder what is up with the opposite sex?  They can get moody, sullen, annoyed, irritable and unreasonable.    I did a little research on the male anatomy and discovered quite interesting stuff.  They have their issues too!

As I read up on this subject, I realized that we are given a bad rap as women.  PMS is ugly.  Yet, IMS goes unknown because most women have learned coping skills to deal with the raging hormonal changes that occur in men… yes as teenagers yet again as mid-life comes along.  Yet this attacks men between the ages of 40-60 years old.

I am pretty sure that my husband is IMSing.  He is irritated at the most unreasonable thing.  He is annoyed that the lights are never turned off, that the basement is messy again, that the boys do not do enough around the house.  He is hypersensitive to the noise of 6 boys.  He expects that noise level to keep at a two kid noise level.  Every thing annoys him.  I think I am the biggest annoyance.  

My flaws to date… buying things that I don’t need;  being an overall mess; never getting things done my TO DO list;  sleeping in; not being a morning person;  it continues I am sure but I tuned him so I did not hear the other things I need to work on.  🙂

I understand I am difficult to live with.  I commend him for surviving 15 years with me.  I am wiling to release him of his obligation to me.  Yet he is a glutton for punishment.

It has been quite a weekend with him.  Joy.  Well, not really.  It has been a bit stressful to say the least.  I have been trying to stay out of the way.  This afternoon, I was up helping Sammy with his Algebra (yup, me!!!).  Sanj was in the house and it was a little too quiet.  I realized that he was nesting.

You know,  sometimes when pregnant, you get the urge to organize and get things ready.   Well my hubby attacked the mud room closet.  It was hideous.  It took him a few hours.  He seemed a little calmer.

I asked him if he felt better.  His response was that there was a lot more house to get to.  Hum…

I probably won’t show him this post till tomorrow or whenever his IMS is done for the month.
Or maybe it isn’t a monthly thing.  If you read about it, it seems to happen more often for men.  Hum… that explains a lot.  

Midol… is there something out there that I can slip into his drink or food?


Dedicated to all my lady friends with IMSing husbands.
My IMSing husband has apologized for his swing moods.
So… here is to the calm before the next storm.
I do love him for always being able to be sorry.
Sigh.





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Shop Till We Drop (or Run Out of Cash)!

Posted on 2010-03-19 by Reema
Retail Therapy!  Who said it was for girls?  I am raising a bunch of boys that just love it!  They had so much fun!  They didn’t even try to get more stuff and stayed within the limits that I set before we went in.

I was also taken with the fact that each of them has a distinct style and taste.  They are so similar and yet so different.  I loved watching them match up stuff, scrunch their noses at something I may have pointed out and they didn’t like or watch them pick out stuff that Sanj may like.  Actually, that part, I am on to them.  The older 3 can share some of their dad’s stuff.  Poor Sanj, he is soon going to have a very empty wardrobe. 

I picked up a sweatshirt for myself… from the men’s section (as the stuff in the ladies section at these stores seems to be for teenagers.  The mediums would fit my one thigh)!  I love comfort.  I love how the men’s stuff isn’t clingy and gut sucking!  Yet as I had it in my hand, the older boys eyes lit up.  “Who is that for?  Can I borrow it?” I was asked.  Suddenly I realized that  there really isn’t much hope of it really being mine.  Back on the rack it went.
Funny though, the reaction I get when I wear their sweatshirts! 

I love shopping with the boys!
I was proud of their good attitudes and grateful hearts.

Then it was the hideous 2 hour ride home! 
I don’t understand how there aren’t more insane people out there that have to sit in rush hour traffic crawling at 20 km/hour.  Seriously!  It was tortuous!  
We stopped at Grandma’s house for supper to break up the pain.
Yum.  A good ending to a good day.



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Too Fast!

Posted on 2010-03-18 by Reema
Spring Break is  going by at an alarming speed!  It was extra special that Sammy’s arm wasn’t broken!   It is probably badly sprained and will likely hurt when he plays hockey etc at bit till it heals.

This week was make extra special from a visit by my sweet Jessica.  She is the one time little girl I used to babysit and lived with their family while in university.  Their family became an extension of mine over the years.

She came to spend some of her Spring Break with us.  All week I have been torn between wanting to hang with the boys and yet wanting time with just Jess.  Last night we went and got pedicures and went out to dinner.  We were able to talk about all sorts of things.  All things are the same love, family, hurts, wanting, dreaming… and yet there is the change that comes with today such as constant need to text.

Here’s the problem with the week… I have realized that I am getting old.  First of all, looking at all the pictures we took… there is a lot of grey hair on my head!  I really don’t mind it but it was a little shocking to see that quite a few more had popped up since last time I noticed.  Then there is the fact that Jess and the boys were laughing at me due to the fact that I was out of the loop with the lingo that is out there now.  They were laughing at me!  Then there is the fact that Jess sleeps half the morning and then stays up most of the night.  Me… I need my bed by 11 p.m.  I just can’t do it!  Josh is up every morning before 7 a.m.  Today he stood up on my bed to demonstrate how he wanted me to GET UP!  

We have had amazing weather this week.  65+ degrees!  We spent a day at the zoo (with half the kids on spring break)!  Yesterday the boys went to the ski hill and had fun skiing with a sweat shirt.


Today, I say bye to my sweet Jess.  I am so thankful for the relationships/friendships that have lasted the test of time.  I am so glad that this friendship is one that my children are blessed with.  I am said to see her go.  I am so touched that she came and spent time with my brood and the flies that are infesting us now that spring is upon us.

I LOVE YOU, JESS!

The boys and I are off to their favourite mall in Toronto.  Lord, have mercy.   It will be a day full of “Can I have this?”  It will be a day of choices and happy faces.  I am sure there will be tears too.  It is going to be a good day and we will come home tired but happy.  Nothing like retail therapy! 🙂
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The Visit with the In-Laws…

Posted on 2010-03-15 by Reema
It’s Monday of March Break… A bit of sleeping in, a big breakfast and some lounging  in the pyjamas.  My in-laws just left.  They spent the night.  Sanj’s brother and family are out of town so they were alone.  It is such a different dynamics when it is just us and them.  It is even different with Sanj off to work and it is just   his parents and myself.

It wasn’t always this easy.  They didn’t like me.  I felt like I was always on the defence… watching my every move as I never knew what I would have done wrong. I had stomach aches every time we went to their house.  It wasn’t really a good time.

I am not sure what changed.  They probably realized that I was here to stay.  Maybe it was my winning personality that finally won them over.  🙂 lol  Maybe it was just time.  We all found our places in the family.

Today as I listened to them, they were reminiscing  about Sanj when he was little.  Of course I heard these stories before.  Yet I am always moved by their love.  They were telling the story of Sanj’s dad having to leave for a year.  Of Sanj holding on to his dad at the age of 3, not wanting him to go.  They were apart for a year while his dad came  here to get thing settled.  My father-in-law had tears in his eyes, again, as he retells it.  Love… it just shines so bright as his tears do.

My mother-in-law tells the story of Sanj having a seizure.  She runs out of the house screaming that she doesn’t want to see her baby die.  They both tell of praying over Sanj as he is burning up with a 105 degree fever.

I guess as I watched Sanj’s parents this weekend, I see a couple that is fighting against the reality of growing old.  I see them trying so hard to hang on to yesterday as that is where they have lived and remember.  Today the folks that are on the outside are not who they feel on the inside.  I see these folks that really do love and hold family dear.  It is just that their love language isn’t mine.  It is about accepting what they offer and meeting them half way.  Sometimes, it is about meeting them where they are at.

Sometimes ones personality is what it is.   Maybe they really can’t change it.  Maybe they don’t mean for it to come across as it is.  Maybe in the midst of a complaint is a thank you.  Maybe in the midst of a demand is a plea for help.  Maybe in the midst of hug is a “I love you.”  Maybe sometimes the past is all one really has or knows.

I have been blessed with so much.  I think I am at the place where despite all of the things that bug me or annoy me, I can say that I appreciate these folks that are part of my life in so many ways.  I owe them so much.  I want my children to see the rich heritage that is theirs in their grandparents.  Someday they won’t have it right there.  So it is up to me (and Sanj) to foster that feasting of the past.

It was a good weekend.  I put a lot of pressure on myself when they are here.  It is just me.  I want them to feel loved and appreciated and maybe spoiled.  Maybe I am working on them feeling cherished.
Yes, that is it.  Cherished.  I am sure God expects that of us.  We are to cherish those that were before us and fought and blessed us with the life we know.

Maybe after all these years, what I am feeling is love.  I am feeling love for Sanj’s parents because if they did not live as they did, I would not live as I do… with a happy home full of hope for the future.
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Shooting, Death and Heaven!

Posted on 2010-03-13 by Reema


Today is a day we have NOTHING calling us!  That hasn’t happened in forever!  We are going to my in-laws for supper to celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday.   I love not having to cook and knowing that I will have some good food to boot!

 Last night we went and played laser tag for Zach’s birthday.  It was so much fun!  2 other family friends joined us and has 20 minutes of chasing (but no running), shooting and being tagged.  It was a great activity.  Josh had a blast!  He was so funny.  He told Sanj he was his partner and kept following him around.  At the end of the game, of course the winner was Sanj.  As he checked out his score sheet, Josh had shot him 10 times!  LOL

All the boys had a great time and were already planning when they could go again!  We then went to Kelsey’s for dinner.  It was a great evening to just relax, hang out, eat lots of good food, and enjoy.  Zach had a great time too.

It was a little scary but I did find pulling on that trigger kind of thrilling and therapeutic.  Hum… I was thinking it would be a great ladies night out!  🙂

So Josh came home from school one day and asked me if I wanted to go to heaven?   

I said, “Yes, I can’t wait!”    

He replied, “Then just lay on the road and let a car run over you.”

Me… Quiet, feeling disturbed and anxious that this is coming out of my babes mouth.

Me… “What do you mean, Josh?”

Josh… “Well (insert name of a boy in his class) told  us that if we lie down on the road and die, we will go to heaven.”

Wow.  The thing is how come what Little Preacher Boy says at school is right over what we tell him?  He just doesn’t seem to understand that death isn’t the only way to make it to heaven! 🙂
Mrs. Herder… HELP!  (That is Josh sweet and wonderful teacher)!!!

I love my boys!  They certainly keep my world interesting!

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Life On Other Planets…

Posted on 2010-03-12 by Reema

Yup!  This is my first born snuggling with his mommy!  What a sweet moment!

It’s the first morning of March Break… it is 6:05 a.m.  and I am awake.  What is wrong with this picture?  Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and yet I am awake!

I love breaks from school.  I love hanging with the boys and relaxing.  It, of course comes with the bonus of loudness, fighting and teasing but I love the bits in there that remind me why I love being a mom.

We don’t have big plans this break.  But all the little plans add up to a  nice break.  Today we  are going swimming at the Y and then having lunch at friends.  This evening we are going to celebrate Zachary’s birthday (that was in January).  We are going to the new Lazer Tag place in town.  My boys are so excited, the big ones and the little ones!  We are just going with a couple of families and a couple of friends.  Then we will be going out to supper.

A bit of this and a bit of that and then it will be over.  I hope to finish a few books over the  break too.  Our yard needs a tidy up of all the things that were hiding in the snow.  It really does look like spring is here.  I can’t believe it.  Usually there is always a dump of snow around now.

I feel like the boys are growing up too fast.  Yesterday while at school, a friend commented that Sammy was taller than me now.  What!  How did that happen?  Sammy was, of course, thrilled!  He said, “I feel taller!”  Cute!  He is a mix of sweet and sour still.  But how I love to be with him, if only to get bits of that sweetness a few times a day!  I love that kid!

I have warned him not to have kids, ever, though.  You know what they say, “Payback is a  Beep!”  I have a feeling the Good Lord is gonna bless him with a dozen moody girls!  lol  Actually, LOL… that would be so sweet!

I love watching the results of teaching for years.  I love getting to a door and the boys automatically hold it open, even Josh.  I love seeing the bits of gentlemen-ness in them come out.  Someday, some ladies are going to be so lucky.  I hope their parents are working hard on them too! 🙂

Sometimes I just stare at them.  I love looking at my boys knowing that somehow, through that incredible miracle, they are a bit of me.  I see myself in them.  It is a scary thing too, of course.  Sammy… is a  bit too much me.  That is why we fight and love so hard.  I love holding the boys hand, while they are in the front seat as I drive.  All of them oblige.  Sammy is too big to do so now.  Yesterday, I agreed to pick him up from school and take him to lunch.  I reached for his hand.  He scrunched up his nose…”No.”  I said, “How about one minute?”  He gives me his wonderful Sammy smile/pout and said, “30 seconds.”  It was the best 30 seconds of my day,  holding my little yet not so little anymore son’s hand as he watched his clock and counted down.

Tyler, my big man with a bigger heart is growing up, being the teenager that he is.  Yet that heart of his is ready to apologize within minutes of being a turd.  I love that about him.  I love that he comes and lays down with me every morning.  He is such a wonderful boy.  I just love him!

Jordan… this child of mine is stuck right in the middle as is Max.  He is not a demanding child.  He loves drawing and playing his guitar.  He is a very thoughtful child.  He is always willing to do the errand no one else wants to.  He is also quite the gentleman. He is the one that gets out of the car and comes to help me put the groceries into the car.  I love this kid of mine.  He is his own person.

Ah, then there is my Max.  He isn’t as quiet as he once was.  Nope.  I kinda miss having that quiet child. He is the child that has to say something to every situation whether it involves him or not.  He loves is addicted to the computer.  He loves hanging out at recess and being everyone’s “bestie.”  Max is growing up.  He is becoming a boy with his own thoughts and never ending opinions.  I love this kid!

Zach is my 8 year old with the desire to be 14.  He never lets being one of the youngest keep him from trying stuff.  He has a love for expensive clothes.  Where did he get this from??? (His Dad)!  He is not your typical kid that wants toys.  He wants clothes… preferably from Abercrombie.  He is so independent it is almost annoying.  He sets the bar so high that often his older brothers fall short!  Zach is one of my boys that I love watching live life.  He lives it to the fullest.  He is such a treat!  I love him to death!

Do I even need to go on about my Josh?  He is such a gift from God to me.  He loves me unconditionally.  Even when he gets mad at me and says, “I hate you”  (yes… the effects of having older siblings), he loves me as he is wanting to hate me! lol  I love this kid.  I love his love.  I am always hoping that I can love him back just as he needs.  He is a baby that never seems to grow up and yet he is a big boy in ways that are frightening!  Josh is my baby.  He will always be my baby.  I love him.  It’s so simple.

This is why I love breaks.  I love being able to be with my boys.  I can’t imagine it any other way.  They are like  creatures from another planet… one that is made up of boys and brothers.  It is a noisy space that is usually discombobulated, noisy, messy, noisy, physical and did I say noisy?  I am like the scientist that is allowed there… to observe, play referee, wipe soggy noses (that is what Josh calls it), try to teach new tricks, figure out what works and what doesn’t.  I am one of the few people that is allowed in this place.

And yet, there are people that don’t believe that there is life on other planets.  Hum… they haven’t been to my “house.”  I love the break that allows me to be keeper of the zoo full-time!

Happy March Break!
Posted in Boys, motherhood | 2 Comments

Parents… and Know It Alls…

Posted on 2010-03-10 by Reema

I always have something to say… but I think I have stumbled and a true case of writer’s block!  Scary!  What if all my thoughts keep running away?  🙁

On the flip side, I just have to hang out with my husband a few minutes and he usually gives me plenty of material to write about.  In fear for my marriage, I have to pick and choose what is acceptable to  complain  write about!

One of the most annoying things about Sanj is his know it all attitude.  He does not know it all.  Yet, if he has an opinion, it is right.  Well, so he thinks.  I have very rarely seen him sway from a belief.  Do you know how annoying that is?

Even as he was reading this (for his approval of sorts) he suggested that  instead of saying “when he has an opinion, he is right.” that I should write  “when he has an opinion, he is compelled by it…”  See… he has something to say about EVERYTHING, even what I write about!

Today, as I was complaining about my writer’s block, he said, “I have a topic you can write on.”  He proceeded to suggest that I write about How well does one really know their parent?


He was saying that  we really don’t know our parents as people, only as parents.  I disagree.  I think that I know my mom as a person and as a parent.  I have spent a lifetime watching her as a person, interacting with people, knowing by her behaviour that she feels safe with a person or not.  I know her when she is in the role of a nurse.  I know her when she is tired, irritated, stressed and sad.  I know when she is happy and excited.  I know when she is angry or dislikes someone.

I know my mom.  Of course there are qualities that pop up that often surprise me but then again, as human  being we change. So when a new trait pops up, I can add it to my definition of her.

Sanj has a very different relationship with his parents.  He left home at the young age of 16 years old and went to a boarding school.  He then went away during the summers to work at camp and then was off to university.  He never really lived at home full time since being 16 years old.

You never really know your parents?  Hum…  I disagree.  Do you have an opinion?  (Please take my side)! lol

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Sun!

Posted on 2010-03-08 by Reema

There is nothing like waking up to a sunny day!

Yesterday the boys spent a good part of the afternoon outside.  Sanj was grabbing snow from wherever it was and packed down the jump for the last of the season’s snowboard runs.  The younger ones bounced away energy on the trampoline.  I went wearing my crocs out!  That makes me so happy… to go without socks and the confines of shoes.  I need to wiggle my toes!

This morning the boys were ready in record time and outside playing!  I love that!!!  It is only plus 2 outside Celsius yet the promise of a sunny day with a high of 8 degrees is as good as 70 degree weather after a cold winter.  You can see people in shorts around town.

March Break begins this Friday.  I can’t wait!  As much as the warm weather is welcomed, it does take away from the activities such as skating and skiing over the break.  So… we shall see.

I have to have a few of Zach’s friends over to do a very belated birthday party.  These kids don’t forget anything!  Then there will be Josh’s birthday that he has been waiting for since Christmas!  The big number 5!  He is so excited!

Sammy will have to go and get his arm looked at.  Thursday will snowboarding he fell and hurt it.  Sanj ended up taking him to ER to get it looked at.  They put a temporary cast on it but today I will have to call the orthopaedic guy to get him in to take a look at it.  I am praying it is not broken as he is already going crazy wanting to itch it after just 24 hours!

Josh was out playing this morning and came in crying after skinning his knee.  It is amazing how much a bandaid can fix things.  To bad there aren’t bandaids for life’s hurts.

One kid’s (Max) hockey season is done!  Yah!  He is sad.  I don’t mind hockey, I am just looking forward to having a bit more of a social life again.  We haven’t had friends over in so long.  We haven’t even gone to a movie or dinner with grown ups.

Sign up for soccer is happening.  Then there will be summer hockey. It’s all good.  Today I will be working out the details to our Rhema Women’s Retreat.  I am really looking forward to that!  It is amazing how when you leave it in God’s hands how it all falls into place!  You’d think I would learn that by now!  Friday we were still thinking of speakers… by Friday night, it was all in place!  Thank you, Jesus.

Last night I watched a bit of the Oscars.  There was a clip of movies from the 80s, such as 16 Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and then they had the actors and actresses on the stage.  Wow.  How did they get so old?  Does that mean I am old?  Disturbing… Sanj kept telling me to turn it off… he was so disturbed.

Enough stalling!  I am off to get some things down and be productive!  Happy Sunny Monday!

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I Felt A Nudge Today….

Posted on 2010-03-07 by Reema

I have deleted many half written posts this week.  I think of things I want to say yet then stop before finishing it.  Then I delete it.  I have been feeling restless in my writing and thoughts.  Maybe I am putting pressure on myself for no reason.


I have come a long way since I was the little girl I once was.  There was so much bursting inside of me and yet most of it was trapped.  Now a day, there isn’t too much that I don’t say.  Sanj is forever scared of what is going to come out.  Yet, I don’t apologize.  If I ask it, I really want to know about you.  I am not into pretences or beating around the bush.


Last week, I went for a ski lesson.  I went without any of the kids.  I went without distractions. Ha!  I did go with a girlfriend, who never had even been to a ski hill.  She was a natural.  Me… I was the one the very patient instructor worked with.  It was O.K.  I just need to practice… alone.  I need to conquer my fear of the chairlift… of getting off it.  I was proud of myself.  It really was not an easy thing for me.  It wasn’t even fun.  It was stressful.  My friend and my instructor kept saying, “You just have to believe in yourself.”  I thought I did.  Obviously not enough!  Then as I was at hockey with one of boys, a man I didn’t know came to me and asked how the skiing was?  I assumed that he knew Sanj and my hubby told him.  Nope.  Well, he knew us, his kid is on the same team.  He was there.  He saw me.  Hum… then he didn’t have to ask how skiing was… did he!  I am still proud that I did it.  I will go again.


I went to church today.  OK… I lie.  I did go to church but didn’t actually sit in the service.  I was helping with a chilli lunch that the boys were part of.  Sammy and Tyler are going on a Serve Trip this summer.  It is a mission trip of sorts to one of the towns in Ontario about 4-5 hours from here.  So the chilli lunch was a fundraiser.


Still it was church.  I have to admit I was feeling nudges.  I was annoyed.  I couldn’t really ignore it.  O.K., God.  I get it.  It is time again.  Church is and has been a sore point for me.  Many reasons.  One of the biggest is that there have been huge hurts.  Disappointments.  I did not get fed there.  No one’s fault.  My own hurts to work through.   I just didn’t feel Jesus there. When I say there… I mean church as a place, not specifically  our church.   Sad.  I feel Him in other places, like the boys school.


I did not miss church.  Yet I feel the nudges.  The boys need to go.  (I hear you, Doreen).  It is not about me.  I know.  So,,, I went to church.


I need to look only upward.  I need to focus all my attention upward and not look to man for God.  I had a huge hurt by a church person… a pastor.  It was a long time ago.  It still is there.  I know that they are only human yet when you are young, impressionable and need guidance, it is easy to assume that they are godly.  They are humans in need of God too.


So… the nudging…  I felt it.  I heard it.  Can you hear a nudge?  Let me tell you, yup!  If God is trying to get your attention and you are pretending not to hear or feel it… He will make sure you do!  Ouch.


I feel like crying because I so miss that faith I had of a child.  I so miss that ease of going to church.  I miss that feeling of knowing church was a safe place.  It’s too bad someone stole that.  Yet, it was a human disguised as a godly man.


There are Godly men out there.  I see them.  I can’t help but scrutinize them.  Are they real?  Here’s the thing, if they only claim to be human, in need of God, searching for Him… then yes, I think they are real.
I am thankful for the real Godly men in my life.


Please don’t take this wrong… church is a great thing.  I have some of my best memories there.  I loved church.  I hope that you love it.  I hope that it is a place where you see God, hear God and feel Him.  I am working on getting it back.  I think that is what the nudge was.  It is a nudging that it is time.  I am going back to the basics again.


In the mean time,  I am so glad for all the places that I can feel God, see God and hear God.  One of those places is in my child’s eyes.  I love looking into their eyes and seeing God, hearing God and feeling Him.  How awesome is that?  I feel God everyday. Today, I felt His nudge.  It’s time.

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So Sad!

Posted on 2010-03-07 by Reema

I haven’t written in many days.  I start to and then just stop.  I haven’t the words to say what is on my heart. I don’t want to sound preachy yet I can only be honest of my thoughts.  So… I can’t stop thinking of Jesus’ coming.


My brother, Kumar, is in Haiti.  He left Wednesday for a week to help drill wells at one of the orphanages and see what else they could do.  I have been following the  work their blog.  I feel so much pain in my heart.  I can’t stop thinking of the sadness and pain.  He wrote my mom saying, “It is all so sad.”

   


“This girl’s name is Evangelista. Her mother died in the earthquake. Our medical people believe she has thyroid cancer that has metasticized . We took her to Port au Prince and was turned away because they are not to equipped to help.” (Taken from Kumar’s Facebook page).



I can’t stop thinking about her.  Let’s just process the fact that her mother just died.  How does she cope with the pain, sadness and fear?  Then take the cancer… does it hurt?  What is going to happen to her?

We live such a different life.  I am hunger so I go to my fridge and grab a snack.  I also know that I will be complaining about what to make for supper in a bit.  I will not be worrying about filling the bellies of my babes.  Yet, just on the other side of the world, are moms worried and sad as they listen to their babes cries for hunger.

I feel like screaming.  I feel the helplessness of not knowing how to make it all better.  I hate that all we can do doesn’t change the fact that there are so many hunger and sick.  There are so many children… like my babes that I adore,  that will not have a meal, that are missing their parent that died… that are alone, sad and scared.

As I think of heaven and God, as I get so frustrated and sad… I have to hold on to the faith that there is a heaven and a God who is in control and will come down and take us to a better place.  I have to believe.  I have to have faith. 

I am not sure what will happen to this sweet little girl.  I can only pray that God holds her so tight and she feels the love of God and finds courage and strength to deal with each day as it comes.


Dear Jesus…
I can only be grateful for all we have.  I can only be shamed when I complain of the little stresses in life as children, people, on the other side, worry about food, shelter and feel pain of loss so huge I can’t even put into words.


This little girl has grabbed my heart.  Oh dear God, please…. show them how to help her.  Please.


And if it is OK… please just come, now.
Amen.

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Tyler Believes!

Posted on 2010-03-03 by Reema
The great thing about the Olympics is that it inspires!
Tyler is my cautious one.  He hates to fail.  Many a time this holds him back from trying.
Not today!  Here he is imitating Frédéric Bilodeau.  
“Mommy, if I get hurt, you’ll take me to the hospital, right?” asked Tyler as he readied himself.

Special thanks to my sweet talented hubby for putting this video together for me!
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Is It Time?

Posted on 2010-03-01 by Reema
Growing up, my dad preached the end of the world better than any preacher.   I grew up thinking a lot of life in the hills and mountain… worried about the “bad guys” coming and torturing us.  I knew that I loved Jesus and no matter what I could handle it.

I grew up thinking that Jesus would literally come before I was a teenager.  Then that changed to His coming before I would ever get married.  Then I started to have beliefs that were my own and not just because me dad said so.  Things such as The Mark of the Beast, 666, The Sunday Law caused me fear.

My children know that Jesus loves them.  They understand prayer.  Growing up, they have never needed to have Someone be there for them because they have had us.  Yet they have had moments that they needed Someone and it wasn’t us.  I am so glad that they feel God’s presence… that He is there is their mind and heart.

My kids have not been taught to fear the end of the earth.  I am not sure they have even understand that.  They have been taught about heaven.  I doubt that they every really think of a timeline of this though.

As I hear of the earthquakes and tsunamis… all the stuff that is prophetic… I can’t help it… is Jesus going to come soon?  Instead of being scared, it really does excite me.  While I hope that all the stuff that is prophesied can just be skipped and wall- la…. Here He is…. I am not scared.  I can’t wait for heaven.

I can’t wait to just see happiness in everyone I love everyday.  I can’t wait to see no  more sickness.  No more heartache.  I think it is time!!!

My friend was here the other day and we were talking about heaven and knitting.  I said, “there is not going to be knitting in heaven.”  She argued… “Of course there is… there is going to be time to do all the stuff we want to do and just don’t have time.”

I loved hearing her say that.  Not really about the knitting… but rather, I loved the different ideas each of us has of heaven.  What she was wanting and needing was time to do just as she wanted.

Do you ever think of heaven?  I wonder if I will have to ask God all the questions I have or once I get there, will all the answers just be known in my heart?

I wonder what it will be like to meet Eve?  I am pretty sure if I was Eve… I would have eaten the fruit too.  Temptation!  I wonder also, if I had been there in Jesus’ time, when He was here on earth, would I have been one of those people that believe He was the saviour?  Or would I have doubted?  I want to think that I would have believed but what if I was really one that doubted?

Then I think of people that I believe may go to hell because they are bad yet that is the thing about forgiveness… it can be asked even at the last minute!

As I see the world events happening and remember my dad preaching fire and brimstone… I can’t help but feel excited and wonder… really?  Is this event that so many have waited a life time for… here?  Will it happen in my life time?

I am ready!  Just the thought makes my heart pound!
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800 Posts!

Posted on 2010-03-01 by Reema

800 Posts!!!

Who would have thought I would have so much to say?!!!
Thank you for reading my blog!
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Too High A Price!

Posted on 2010-03-01 by Reema

I am not the kind of person that is too much into politics.  I have been thinking of all the things that we as a global have accomplished, learned and changed.  Yet, despite that, why are we still having wars?  Why do we send our troops to continue to fight?  Do you know what I mean?


I get that there are reasons why people fight.  Yet, how come we as educated nations continue to propagate this behaviour?  We are there to help peace keep… but yet we are having people killed.  Families  continue to be destroyed.

It breaks my heart to hear of another solider killed by a road side bomb.  My brother blogged about Mike, a homeless man and his dog.  He is a vet.  He is alone.  He won’t go to the shelters because no one will allow his dog in too.  His dog is all he lives for.  This man has obvious issues.  That is a result of serving his country.  I don’t understand how backs are turned on vets that go off the deep end in a direct result of seeing the kind of things they see.


Is war accomplishing anything and is the price worth it?


I don’t even know if this is politically correct to blog about.  It is just something that bothers me so much.

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The $2 Photo Shoot

Posted on 2010-03-01 by Reema
    


My youngest will never be able to complain that there are no pictures of him.  In fact he probably rivals Sammy in the number of pictures simply because he loves being photographed.  Of course in my opinion he is so photogenic!

Last Monday he didn’t have school so we went to the Peterborough Zoo. I told him that I needed to practice using my new lens and that I would pay him $2 to be my model.  He was a willing participant.




I love Josh’s eyelashes.  I love the many faces of his sweet boy.  Here are some of my shoots… from over the 100 that we shot.  I love this son of mine!

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Proud To Be A Canadian!

Posted on 2010-02-28 by Reema

I am a Canadian, a proud one at that!  We are a country that has shone!  How wonderful to see the country’s GLOWING HEARTS!  It was a perfect end … bringing home the GOLD!  I was mesmerized to watch my family  sit/stand with bated breath.

There are so few moments where one can feel true joy… when that puck went into the net in overtime… the look on my men was beautiful!  It is such a part of their dream.  They will always remember where they were when Canada brought GOLD home.



The Olympics was a great thing for us.  It made us stand up and be proud of who we are…  we are a polite, quieter, friendly kind of people.  We say we are sorry when we are wrong.  We can laugh at our selves when we make a mistake.   We are proud of all that makes us Canadian.
It was a good day.  It is a great day to be Canadian.

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What’s Wrong?

Posted on 2010-02-25 by Reema

Here’s the thing… I am suffering from PMS.  It is not a pretty thing.  When I get to heaven, I really do have some questions to ask God.  For example… Eve ate the apple… I get that … how come ALL of us have to suffer?  Couldn’t the _itchy ones that are horrible people, moms that smoke or drink when pregnant or abandon their babes have PMS?  Could men not have it at least one a year?


Since I was a teen, every single month (minus 6×9 months) have I had misery.  It hurts.  A lot.  I feel like someone has taken a thousand knives and keeps twisting them in my belly.  If I am really lucky, I get reminded of back labour  that I had the privilege of having 6 times.  That feelings like bits of broken glass that has been pressed into my back and someone keeps walking on it.  Once in university, I passed out in the bathroom of the grocery store from the pain of the cramps.  911 was called.  It still stays on as one of my most humiliating experiences… cramps… people… I just had cramps!


For me, day 2-3 are the worst.  Yes, I have tried many a thing.   Right now, nothing is working.
The fact is that I tell Sanj it’s that time.  He acknowledges and then I see him tuning me out.  He doesn’t want to know anymore.  All he knows is he is out of luck for the next week.  I know he is not listening about my cramps from hell.  He is not listening to that fact that I am miserable.  He just looks uncomfortable.  You would think after 15 years of marriage…   126 times of the me he loves and knows being taken over by the ugly thing… he would know.


He knows it is that time.  I went into his office this morning, really suffering, needing bed and drugs.  I looked pretty bad, I am sure.  If I could be pale, I was.  He looks at me… and says, “What’s wrong?”


Seriously?  WHAT IS WRONG????  That question makes me so  #@!% mad!!! What the  @#$% do you think is wrong?  He asks this of me every month!  EVERY MONTH!!!


The man is working on his Doctorate!  He has an IQ of a genius! Yet every month I get, “What is wrong?”


Seriously?


Sanj grew up with no sisters.  I am not sure if he will learn that there is a certain time of the month that you don’t ask what is wrong!  You don’t ask, “Is it that time?”  Keep a calender.  Be intuitive.  Understand that any kind of touching… ANY KIND is not really welcomed or wanted.  Well… a kosher back rub is probably o.k.  Also understand it is not personal.  In a few days, you will be loved again.  Chocolate… is the best medicine.  Carbs are needed.  The moods… the anger and annoyance… it can’t be helped.  It is a demon that takes over and there is no action that works except riding out the ride.


I don’t hide the fact that it is that time from my boys.  They all know!  They all know not to touch me or jump on me.  They all know that cramps are not fun.  I keep asking them… “Do you know what cramps are?”  They quickly respond, “Yes… ” and run.  My boys have no sisters.  So I want to make sure they understand that there is a time in women’s lives that we have to pay for eating that ^%$ fruit.  If we are going to pay… they are going to pay.



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Come Soon…. Please!

Posted on 2010-02-25 by Reema

I had a friend over today for lunch.  It was so lovely.  As we talked about the pains of people in our community, we were talking about Heaven.  Maybe I am getting old but life … it is so full of stuff.  There is so much hurting, sickness and pain.  There is so much in lives that are empty and many don’t have a clue of how to fill that void.

When I feel like that, I go to food.  It feels so good for the moment and then I want to hit myself over the head.  Lately, as the boys were struggling with the stomach flu, I couldn’t help but think… how bad would it be to vomit after eating?  Surely I wouldn’t be one of those people that couldn’t stop…  just enough to lose some of the weight and then I would stop.  Where do these thoughts come from?

In one of my boys classes there was the issue of cutting one’s self.  It became a cool thing to do when one was upset.  I don’t think many did it as much as talked about it… but when was that the answer and where did these thoughts come from?

There is drinking… it does what?  Relaxes and takes the edge off?  This is not appealing to meal, as I don’t like the taste of alcohol but I get the whole idea of looking for a way to take the edge off.

I don’t know what the answer is as each passing year, life becomes more crazy and pressure filled for many.  I see sadness and true despair in beings that don’t even know how to help themselves anymore.  How do you show someone that they are beautiful and full of worth?  How do you show someone that they are not a loser?  How do you get someone to stop calling themselves that?

I get it.  I was there.  I have been through the journey from loserville to believing that I am awesome (most of the time), that I am a prized child of God.  I believe that it is all about me… that God in His awesomeness handles all the stresses and strife in the world… yet… He is all about me, too. I believe He is caring about finding me a parking spot when I need it, He is about answering my weather prayers, my prayers about mistakes that I made and now need His help bailing me out…. He is all about me!

I love Him so much.  I have a small minded faith.  I love God!  He loves me!  How do you help someone find confidence in their self?  How do you help someone see that GOD MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL!  It is imperfect when we see it thorough our eyes.  I can only imagine His frustration when we bring down His creation… when we bring down ourselves.

Today… I am saying a prayer… it is for you… yes, you, my friend, that you stop judging your self-worth through eyes of sinful souls.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Imagine how much God must cherish you, His creation!

Today … I am saying a prayer for you, my friend x 3… that each of you find your job and fulfillment that you seek.  Lord, please lead my friend on their journey.

Today…. I pray for you… hurting, scared, tired and confused.
You are not alone.

Jesus, please come soon.  Please be with my friends as they are seeking and searching.  Hold their hand. Let them feel Your mighty presence.

I love you!
Amen

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