Living Loving Breathing Boys

It’s Boxing Day… which is one of my favourite days of the year.

Everyone is calm, relaxing and playing with their loot.  Sanj is off work and we are all just vegging out.

Last night I had one of my dreams.  I woke up in pure fear.  I was having one of my dad dreams… it is the dream where my dad loses his cool and every fiber of my being quakes with fear.

I could feel myself in a dream, just as he was coming at me with acid… which he was going to throw on my heart.

I was “home” and my dad was there.  I was an adult visiting.  There was a lot to the dream and then my dad loses it.  He is upset that I didn’t want him in my life.

Then he starts to lose his temper… his voice rose, body shaking with violence and he is walking towards me.  He said he was going to pour acid on my cold heart and teach me a lesson.

There is that moment between the land of dreaming and reality… I was on the edge.  I felt myself reaching for Sanj… and yet I was so scared that the dream was going to grab me back in.

This is part of my life… dreams that take me back to the moments of absolute fear that was once my reality.

The fear stays with me the rest of the night.

The scars of living with abuse are life long.

There is relief when it isn’t part of your everyday life… yet there are the scars… they stay with you forever… even in your most restful place… your dreams.

From our family to yours…

Merry Christmas!

Thank you to all that read my blog.

Thank you to all that entered the draw for a $50 Starbucks gift card!

I fanned all the cards out, presented the backs of the cards to Josh… my little man…

and he picked…

Tovah!

Congratulations Tovah!

I did promise a little something to everyone that sent a card so look out for it just after New Years!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas…  I love how it makes me feel inside…

I realize  that may sound a little corny… but I do.  I love that I am taking my boys out shopping for their brothers… and they put so much heart into some of their gifts.  I love how they forget about how much money they really have… and are thinking of the excitement and delight their brother will have getting such a great gift.

I love the thought and love behind gifts.  I love buying or making or putting together something for all those I love or who have touched my life in some way.

Tonight I gave Sanj one of  his present…  OK, this is tradition for us… I buy his present and then just can not wait to give it to him!  I just love giving him gifts.  He is one of the greatest gift in my life…  he has changed my life since  those days of him pretending to not know I was crazy for him…

Tradition is that I try really hard… I really do… to hide his gift, to wait until Christmas… I have given his gifts to friends to hold and not give in to my demands early.. yet every year, I give him one gift early.

Tonight was the night… Sanj was tired… fighting a cold and had to deal with his wife begging to give him a gift early…

He has lots of self-control.  He can wait with the best of them.

Me … not so much.

So tonight I gave him a present.

Why break tradition?

He loved it!

I love him.

What a gift… this man I am blessed to call husband and dearest friend.

Happy gift giving… remember it isn’t about the money… but the thought… make a plate of cookies… sprinkle some love on it… and touch someone’s heart.

By the way… I have LOVED, truly loved getting your cards. I have enjoyed reading your thoughts… they have touched me.  Thank you for being part of my life…. and good luck to each of you!

xoxo

Do you send Christmas cards?

I have to say that one of the best things I love about Christmas is getting cards in the mail.

Oh, I know, there is the mass emails and Facebook greetings that I get from friends, yet there is something really special about getting a card in the mail.  In this day and age, there is never anything exciting in the mail.  The art of writing a note and putting it in the mail is long gone.   Those that do it are very special kinds of people.

I saw this comment on a facebook friend’s status:

“Really trying to put some meaning into this…I needs your help answering this questions…Why do you really send Christmas cards?”

So, first I want to ask, do you send out cards?

I send out Christmas cards with a family picture on it… to a bunch of mismatch of people.  My aunts … this is their way of seeing my family at least once a year…

There are some family I send it to…

There are some friends I send it to…

All to say, I love you, miss you and am thinking of you… even if just once a year I take time to show it!

Half of them don’t send cards back… and that’s ok.

I never order cards that say “Merry Christmas” because I know that the likelihood of the cards being mailed on time is very little.  I have the best of intentions… yet usually find them being mailed between Christmas and New Years!

🙂

It’s the thought that counts, Right?

So, I am asking, do you mail Christmas cards out?

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

It’s definitely a snowy one this Christmas!  I am not a huge fan of winter…  I think what I dislike most is how quickly darkness comes upon us every night.  If I don’t come straight home from picking up the boys, as is usually the case, it is dark when we pull into our driveway.  I dislike the cold wetness that comes with snow.  There is always a trail of salty footprints on the hardwood in the family room.  I hate when snow gets into my boots and I have wet socks the rest of the day.

Oh, there are plenty of woes to living in a country known for its winter wonderland.  Yet this is where we live.  If it is going to be winter, if it is going to be cold, there may as well be snow.  My boys love the white stuff.  They love being in it.  Snowballs are always happening.  Yesterday, Sammy threw a snowball at me in the kitchen from upstairs.  Huh?  I won’t even begin to guess why or where that snow ball came from upstairs!

Being the boys they are, snow just means forts, skiing, skating, hockey… it means playing outside.  I love watching the boys on the rink, a boom box blaring and they’re acting like they’re having a pool party on ice.  There are always a pile of coats, discarded of to the side of the rink as they build up a sweat.  Dinner means coming in, putting skate guards on and eating.  It is too much work to take off the skates and re-tie those crazy laces.

Snow means my boys are busy.  Snow means I have tired boys ready for bed sometimes before bed!  I love tired boys!  I love knowing that they had a good day.    I love looking out the window…. it is so beautiful!  The whiteness just looks so pure.

I still love the anticipation of a snow day.  Remember waking up and looking outside and then waiting?  That is such a great moment when you hear your school’s name!  The boys school now has no snow days… ( which is ridiculous … but I won’t begin).  So… if the high school boys’ buses are cancelled… it’s a snow day.  We live in the country.  We live in a snow belt.  It is always 10xs worse.  If the buses are not driving… I am sure it is not safe for me to drive my bus.

Snow means rink!  They go hand in hand.  If it is snowing, it means it’s cold enough to possibly freeze.  The rink is my husband’s other full time job.  Only if you have built a rink, do you realize that it is like another child.  It needs constant attention to survive.  It needs watering, shoveling and tender loving care.  If you are lucky enough, you have moments of  the Perfect Ice… I think that means it is like crystal.  (I personally don’t get it… )  The boys aren’t allowed on the perfect ice for bits while Sanj preens and glows with pride.  Then the boys are on it…scarring the surface with their sharp blades. lol

The ice is one of the places where male bonding happens.  Nothing but ice, skates and sticks, hockey sticks that is.  It’s where they deek, check and score.  It really is another whole world out there.

So.. as we count down 8 more sleeps till Christmas… I am grateful that  it’s going to be a white one this year!  🙂

One of my favorite songs is “I’ll be Home For Christmas.”

I’m not sure why this song has such a sentimental holding on me yet it does.  I really have to say that for the longest time home eluded me. What does that mean?  When I hear the song, I have this vision of home which means all those I love.  I see family, happy families hanging out together.

Maybe this is my Hallmark ideal image in my head that has never been fulfilled.  See, even though I have my own home with my own family… there are those missing every year.  I have never had a real Christmas with all the trimming with my whole family.

If you have read my blog over the years, you know that my father managed to ruin every Christmas.  We used to celebrate Christmas in true tradition… when I was little.  I don’t remember it really well yet I have this faint, very faint memory that what we didn’t have in money, we made up with love.  I have this distant memory… a picture of us, happy.

Then my dad banned Christmas.  No tree, no gifts, no anything.  It became awkward from here on out… when my mom did her thing on Christmas, sneaking presents to us or what not, my dad would eventually leave.  This was disturbing as anything.  He was gone all day.  This, of course, ruined Christmas, in itself.

When he would come back we would all pretend nothing was weird.  We would bring him presents and open them for him.  He would be all stiff.  Sometimes we would get a thank you.  Never… ever, did he give us a gift.

Funny how after all these years, that pain just lies under the surface.  My dad is spending Christmas alone this year.  I thought he would go to his sister’s or my other brother’s.  He is alone.

I hate that it bothers me.  He still has a effect on my Christmas every year.  Why?  Well, part of my being home for Christmas is that we are all together.  Happy.  It is a yearning that never goes away.  He will never be HOME for Christmas.  Sadly, it is all his doing.

I hate that I feel so much of this never ending want… due to my father’s poor choices.  Due to his choices, we all suffered and as much as we can pretend, continue to suffer.  The pain of childhood is one that seems to carry over into life as a grown up.

Every Christmas, I think of my dad.  I have moments of feeling pain for all that is lost.  I am glad that my mom is able to be home for Christmas.  I guess that is always part of it too.  We (Sanj and I ) don’t have parents with their own home.  Maybe that is part of Christmas that is missing.  The Going Home part.

Aw… while there is so much that I celebrate, I can’t help but remember that text:  “‘The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation.’”

That sucks.  Despite all the steps I have made to break those cycles that were so destructive,  there is so much that will keep coming, visiting my children and their children.  Often I see traits, especially of my dad, in some of the boys.  They are not traits I would have liked to seen passed on… and this makes me panic.  Then all I can do is pray… beg God… for His constant help and guidance.

So, this Christmas, as I prepare for this wonderful season, to share with my family the joys of the season, I can’t help butpause and think of Christmases gone by.  I can’t help but wonder if my dad remembers…

Are you a giver and a taker?

I have been giving this a lot of thought the last couple of days.  I think that for the most part you are one or the other.  Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part, if you are a giver, you are usually uncomfortable with taking.

Am I correct?  This is my husband.  Sanj is the most generous person I know.  He gives and gives.  He can know you or not.  He loves being a giver.  He is a giver naturally.  He is generous to a fault.  This is a down fall of his too.  What this means is that people have no trouble taking advantage of him.

This happens regularly as a boss.  He has employees that are workers and consciousness.  Yet they can take advantage of his generousness.  This is usually done by asking for time off.  Or an example of this is at Christmas one year, he had a good year and wanted to show his staff his gratitude.  He gave a BIG bonus.  The employee, instead of showing gratitude … complained of the taxes they would have to pay.  The complaining was so offensive that Sanj wrote a check to cover the taxes… but never made the mistake of writing that kind of bonus.

He has people that come in for testing without understanding that they need to pay for services rendered.

The biggest annoyance that I see is when he gives away a pair of hearing aids.  He never gives cheap one.  These are hearing aids that he will have to pay out of pocket.  They are worth thousands of dollars.  I have seen him give away pairs with the person, so used to being a taker, just walking away, not understanding the gift they were given.

Givers have a hard time taking.  It isn’t in their nature.  It may even make them uncomfortable.   Sanj has a hard time with this.  For him to accept something from someone, for no reason, is hard.

Over time, I have learned that there is a lesson for givers to learn.  There is an art of being a gracious receiver.  It is important for others to learn or be able to return the love.

Some people are in positions that make them automatic takers.  Pastors, teachers, principals, doctors are in positions that people want to show gratitude to.

Takers… well, what can I say?  You likely know you are a taker.  Do you accept more then offer?  Then  you are a taker.  Do you think of things you can do for others or rather what you can get from someone?

Takers… you should really try doing something for a giver in your life.

We have a parent/friend at our school.  He is a natural giver.  He is the local Dominos Pizza owner.  He is someone I see folks taking advantage of all the time.  “Allan will donate pizza.”  Of course he will.  Yet… he has to pay for it too.  This is something that folks seem to forget about businesses… they have to pay for it too.  Maybe at a reduced rate… but it is money nevertheless.

So… takers… it’s Christmas time.  Do something remarkable for the givers in your lives.  Be extra aware of the generousness that comes your way from the givers in your life.

Blessed is he that gives…

Are you a giver or a taker?

Mondays are home days for me…

I don’t have to drive the boys to school.   (Thank you, Darlene for  this gift!)  So it is usually a  pajama day till later in the morning.  Josh loves to have this time to just relax instead of me dragging him here and there.   After the boys are off, I usually go on my computer and blog.

Josh hates being away from me, from people, in general.  He is a natural chicken by nature.  If he is in a room alone, he will holler and find where someone is and move all his toys to that spot.  Today, he found me in my office.  Instead of just sitting on the carpet or better yet, on the comfy chaise lounger… (nope… that is too far)  he climbs into the chair with me.  This youngest of mine, is by no means a little boy.  This chair is not made to two or even half of another body.  I can’t even move my hands to type.  He is with me.

He is such a silly boy.

I have been planning things I want to accomplish this holiday.  I love that school is over just before Christmas… so this allows for me to try and get everything ready before the boys are home for their break.  Then in a few days, it’s Christmas!  Then we have the rest of the break to relax and play.

We usually have a New Years Eve party.  I really want to have a New Years Brunch instead.  Yet… it has become tradition.  I am sure the boys would rather be up late and feel like they are partying then just have folks over for brunch.

The rink is up and judging from the weather the next days, it will be ready for the kids to skate on New Years Eve.  We bought a hot tub for a week at an auction.  I am thinking of getting it, if it available for New Years.  We will see.

Then there is the good ole New Years resolutions…

Do you make New Years Resolutions?

Yesterday, while shopping for groceries…

I picked up the ingredients for Monster Cookies!  Have you had them, especially fresh out of the oven?  Absolutely DELICIOUS!  It has all my favorite ingredients: Chocolate, M&Ms, Oats.  I didn’t make them yesterday… but hope to get to it today.

My list of things to do include:

Addressing and mailing our Christmas Cards.  (I never get cards that say Merry Christmas because I know it will not likely make it before Christmas!)

I have a bunch of packages that I need to put together and mail as well.

I have all the office gifts that need to be wrapped and organized.

I have our gifts that need to be wrapped and organized, too.

I need to go get Sanj’s gift… well, one of them.

There is the never-ending tidying up.

There is supper…

Sigh.

It’s all good, though.  I have to pick up our laundry from the laundry mat and then there will be the endless task of sorting and putting away.

I have a little project for the moms (mine and Sanj’s)… putting together an album for them.  Thank Goodness for the hour photo people!!!

There is so much that I want/need to get done in a day!  I am really looking forward to the New Year where I will actively begin the much talked about writing of my book.  My mom will be here for a bit and so I hope to write her stuff too.

Of course this means me taking NO NEW PROJECTS!  I am hoping that once the never-ending bathrooms are finished… I will have the self control to bury myself in my office and write away.  I am sure that once I actually get into it, I will be hooked.

I am so excited about this!   I also have another project that I want to do… publish my blog into a book… just for me.  There are different companies that do this.  Yet, this means me going through the blog and fixing it up a bit.  It will be a gift to my boys someday, I am sure.  They can see into the mind of their mama.  Scary… I know.

Last night, as the boys were downstairs watching a movie or something, Sanj and I were sitting in the family room, enjoying a fire and the Christmas tree.  Max was there, playing on his iPod.  I mentioned that the talk would be happening soon.  We were laughing and and chatting and the atmosphere was so relaxed.

I said, “Max, let’s have the talk right now since Daddy is here too.”

It was the funniest thing!  I am not sure who was stressed out more… Max, who shot out of his seat or Sanj, who changed three different shades in three seconds! lol

Max said, “Ah, I want to be taken out of school and to lunch.”  (As is the tradition, his 3 older brothers have had before him).

After Max wondered off, I begin telling Sanj the talk.  I told him that since he is too chicken to be part of the talk, at least maybe he would like to know what I said.  (Insert his very discombobulated face here).  And I began… “When moms and dads are married… and love each other, sometimes they show each other…”

As I was finishing up, Sanj looked at me and asked, “Do you not have a filter?”  LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!

Me, a filter?  Apparently not.  This is one of the reasons he loves me so much!  No filter!  Whatcha see is whatcha get!

Happy Monday!!!

It’s the best way to wake up in the morning….

To a winter wonderland!  There is something spectacular about the whiteness, such beauty!  It snowed a ton!  Not a 100 cm but I will take it.  It is so fresh and crisp.  The boys didn’t waste any time getting out into it.  It is just 0 degrees out… so it is very mild.

Thank goodness Sanj put up the rink yesterday.  It was mild and not windy as it had been other years.  This is will my sweet husband’s worry the next 4 months… keeping the rink alive.  He is the pro.  He is Dad #1!

It’s now later evening.  I am working on supper… a simple broccoli, rice, chicken and cheese casserole, with my little spin of chili flakes and spices.  Yum!  Add bread and it’s a meal!

Last night we went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday.  It was a fun, relaxing night.   I really enjoyed the adult time out.  🙂  We used to do this more often but now Sanj plays hockey on Saturday night.  There just never is time, it seems.  Time…

Due to the snow and yucky road conditions, my sweet hubby chaffuered me into town to do the necessary errands that I was  needing to do.  He also took the laundry to a wash, dry and fold service.  Needless to say, I was delighted!  Hopefully the dryer will be fixed 100% tomorrow!

We first went to the mall so I could pick up the Christmas cards I ordered… Sanj was able to slip in a haircut and Zachary got his shopping done.  We simply took the 2 younger ones with us.  Our little 2.2 family for the afternoon!

Zachary has been saving his $40 that he got from his aunties.  He wanted to spend it on a present for each of his brothers.  What a generous heart!  I love this kid’s insides!  He is kind, generous and thoughtful.  As we stood in line to pay for his goodies, he saw the ladies sweatshirts and said, “Do you want to pick one up for yourself, mom?”  Did I say I love this kid?

Josh has been asking if Santa can hear him?  I think he is confusing Jesus hearing his prayer to crossing over to the whole Santa thing.  Very funny!  Then he asked about the elves… I think he sees them as he does the angels!

The three gifts… A WANT, A NEED and a SURPRISE!  I got this from a blog I stumbled upon.  It goes well with what I am trying to accomplish.  Reducing the amount of unnecessary stuff and waste-age.

It’s Sunday night… everyone is in there nooks, playing videos games, reading and what not.  Soon the week begins with the rat race…

Are you ready?

It’s 9:07 am and I am still in bed!

(I love this picture of Josh, even though it is out of focus.  How I love this child).

My favourite kind of morning!  Last night we were out and didn’t get home till after 10 pm.  Pooped!  Our church was showing “How to Train Your Dragon” so the younger boys and I went while Max and Sanj went to hockey and Sammy and Tyler… well, they are teenagers with a whole life!

It’s a great movie.  I have only heard this movie many times in the van but never seen it.  Cute!  We got home and there in my door way was a new TV.   I mentioned to Sanj that I really wanted a working tv and dvd for our bedroom… our tv is on the blinks with the color all distorted and issues with being able to watch movies etc.  My Saturday nights, when Sanj is at hockey are spend watching a girlie flick and I have really missed that!

This is my husband… my wish is his command! Love this guy! HD just keeps getting better and better.  Kind of scary how clear ones face can look!

Remember my broken dryer… well it is still broken.  Here’s my issues… why is it that so often tradesmen do not do what they say they will?  I don’t think I am stereotyping because it seems to happen over and over.  First of all, my saying that this was an emergency didn’t seem to matter.  It took over a week for the dude to get back.  Then he didn’t come when he said yesterday.  Today, he called saying that he was going to be later, after I rushed home to meet him.  Then he seemed to be annoyed that he was here after hours.  DUDE… I have 6 boys, many many loads of laundry just waiting for me.  After doing whatever, he was surprised that it was still not working.  THE MOTOR!  Grrr… now I am waiting till Monday.  I really feel that we could have bought one in this time… but apparently we are still cheaper with fixing this one.  Do you know that we have a lot of clothes?  I put them into bags and counted 10… 10 bags of dirty laundry.  Of course this means sheets and towels too.  I am feeling a melt down in the works.  Again… my sweet husband, who know doubt, does not want to be in the laundry mat more than me told me to take it to wash, dry and fold service.  This better not be my Christmas present! lol

Yesterday, Josh and I went to Play Street for a play date for the both of us.  We were having a great time.  Josh was enjoying playing with his buddies and I was enjoying chatting with my girlfriend.  All of a sudden there was this wind of air that flew by me.  Another mom was in in a huff, saying, “Your child just pushed mine.”  Then she went over to Josh and in a not so nice tone told him not to touch her son.  I was in a little bit of a shock.  Was this all so necessary?

Of course, now, my girlfriend and I had our eyes glued on the boys.  Funny, what we saw was her son bothering Josh.  He was taking away the car Josh was already on.  He was pulling on Josh.  Her other son was out of control and every where.  Hum… really they were all just being kids.  If Josh pushed her son off, it was simply to pull away.  The other boy just wanted to play and was not sure how to do so.

Funny, isn’t it?  It is always that kind of parent that reacts.  Watch  your own kid, lady!  Please don’t speak to my kid like that.  Actually, please don’t speak to my kid.  Tell me.  I have to admit, I wanted to turn around and stick my tongue out.  Well, actually I wanted to show her one of my fingers.

I am so not a reactive person, especially when it comes to my kids and play.  I understand that kids are kids.  They will work it out.  I also usually encourage the boys to walk away rather than engage in confrontation, whenever necessary.  She, that mean lady, kind of messed up my play date.

Sigh.  It’s all good.  I feel sorry for her.  These kinds of people are usually lonely because they lack the necessary social skills to survive in society.

Josh… please don’t push.  Please be a good boy.  Share.  Please don’t fight back.  Walk away.  Be a good boy.  Please.